Time Won't Go to Waste

My first week here in Spain was anything but perfect. Yes, I enjoyed my first few days of class, but nothing else felt right. I had the usual complaints: my feet hurt from all the walking, I knew nobody in the program, the food was new. Those things I knew I could soon get over. But, as some know, I have social anxiety. For the past few years, I have been in therapy and have had it well controlled. However, when I got to Spain, any little thing that didn't fit my usual pattern made me quite uncomfortable and beyond anxious. Normally, I know what to do - talk to someone I trust, make an appointment with my psychologist, jump into activities. But here, I had no idea what to do. I couldn't talk to anyone I trusted, because there was no one. I could call someone back home, but phone calls are expensive and I didn't have internet at my host home to Skype anyone. I also couldn't make an appointment because, well, I'm in Spain. And there were no activities to speak of and no one I could do things with.

I knew the first week would be rough - it always is, no matter where you are. The same thing happened to me last summer when I started to work at camp. This 'being uncomfortable' thing was not new. But what really got me was my anxiety. I eventually called my mom and talked with people who work at the Center. After a few days of planning and a few more days of adjusting, things are better.

Discomfort is easy to handle by oneself, which is why I think trips are easy to do. A study abroad, however, goes beyond discomfort. Granted, I have anxiety, but I still believe everyone has that one thing that makes it harder.

I have discovered something new: what was a great plan for one thing may be terrible for another. I had come in with the plan of jumping into things, which is what I usually do, but found it to be a terrible idea. My friend Malyn gave me some of the best advice: "Start small. It's okay not to be okay sometimes. Do whatever feels good to you - don't feel pressure to 'make the most of it'... [time] won't go to waste."

So although my first week was terrible, it wasn't wasted time. Yes, I still have to say to myself, "You made it 10 days!" but those are 10 days I proved to myself that I can do this. 10 days I stuck to my adventure. And I will only have more.

Peace, friends.

-Nicole

Hola from Spain!

¡Hola! I have safely made it to Sevilla, Spain and have pretty much settled in. I flew into Sevilla around 4:30 yesterday and then waited around for my roommate Emily to arrive. Although I am thankful my luggage did not get lost, Emily was not so fortunate. She, however, has taken it all in stride. Hopefully her luggage will arrive tonight sometime, like the airport said.

My biggest worry about coming to Spain was, naturally, speaking the language. And so far, the worry is justified. Thankfully, I have been saved by Emily, who is fairly fluent and not afraid to talk. I, however, have always found it difficult to speak, even in English. But, after an evening with Ana, my host mother, and orientation today, I have discovered two things. One: I can understand pretty much everything and two: my Spanish voice does not feel like my own.

When I speak English, it is comfortable and when words get jumbled up in my mouth, it is easy for me to untangle them. In Spanish, though, I do not recognize my voice. It feels like it has been poorly recorded and is playing back through a speaker that isn't connected quite right. And I have always believed it would be like this.

Today, during the afternoon siesta, Emily and I took a quick walk around our neighborhood (which is stunning; see below for some pictures), and our conversation ended up being half in English and half in Spanish. She commented toward the end of our walk that I was talking more and seem to be more comfortable. I realized that I was, in fact, comfortable begun to recognize my Spanish voice. I have begun to realize that I can be myself in both languages and I can have a confident voice.

Well that's all I have for now. Peace, my friends. Here are some photos from around the neighborhood.

-Nicole

An old church next to a modern building.

The front of the apartment building I stay in.

Some of the tile in the Center.

Near the apartment, about a block or so. In the background, you can see the soccer stadium. Crazy close.