Time Won't Go to Waste

My first week here in Spain was anything but perfect. Yes, I enjoyed my first few days of class, but nothing else felt right. I had the usual complaints: my feet hurt from all the walking, I knew nobody in the program, the food was new. Those things I knew I could soon get over. But, as some know, I have social anxiety. For the past few years, I have been in therapy and have had it well controlled. However, when I got to Spain, any little thing that didn't fit my usual pattern made me quite uncomfortable and beyond anxious. Normally, I know what to do - talk to someone I trust, make an appointment with my psychologist, jump into activities. But here, I had no idea what to do. I couldn't talk to anyone I trusted, because there was no one. I could call someone back home, but phone calls are expensive and I didn't have internet at my host home to Skype anyone. I also couldn't make an appointment because, well, I'm in Spain. And there were no activities to speak of and no one I could do things with.

I knew the first week would be rough - it always is, no matter where you are. The same thing happened to me last summer when I started to work at camp. This 'being uncomfortable' thing was not new. But what really got me was my anxiety. I eventually called my mom and talked with people who work at the Center. After a few days of planning and a few more days of adjusting, things are better.

Discomfort is easy to handle by oneself, which is why I think trips are easy to do. A study abroad, however, goes beyond discomfort. Granted, I have anxiety, but I still believe everyone has that one thing that makes it harder.

I have discovered something new: what was a great plan for one thing may be terrible for another. I had come in with the plan of jumping into things, which is what I usually do, but found it to be a terrible idea. My friend Malyn gave me some of the best advice: "Start small. It's okay not to be okay sometimes. Do whatever feels good to you - don't feel pressure to 'make the most of it'... [time] won't go to waste."

So although my first week was terrible, it wasn't wasted time. Yes, I still have to say to myself, "You made it 10 days!" but those are 10 days I proved to myself that I can do this. 10 days I stuck to my adventure. And I will only have more.

Peace, friends.

-Nicole

Not What I Wanted, But What I Needed

I've been going to camp since I was in third grade. It was a dream of mine to work as a camp counselor and be the absolute best at it. My plan was to graduate high school, have my first year of college, and then start working at my camp for many years to come. Then came time for such things to happen and it simply didn't for one reason or another. This summer came rolling around and since I didn't seem to have anything else in mind, I decided to return to my younger self's plan and work at camp.

I started staff training in May and I hated my decision pretty quickly. I was cold, I was wet, and I was forced to interact with people I typically would never interact with normally. I worked nearly every hour of every day with less than minimum wage. I never knew the schedule for the next day, let alone the next week. I was not a happy camper (or counselor, I should say).

I had expected things to go my way and I had expected things to go along with my plan I had created so long ago. What I now realize was that my plan was created when I was in 5th grade or so, when I never would expect life to change so much. After two years of attending a liberal arts college, my life plans and my goals had dramatically changed even from when I was a senior in high school. My plan for working at camp was trying to fit my old self, instead of my new.

Although my wants of the summer never fully seemed to be met, my summer ended up being exactly what I needed. Here are a few examples.

• My uncle Oliver, who passed away in February, lived in the same area as the camp. Everywhere I looked around camp, I saw Oliver. He built nearly every building on camp and I felt him near throughout the summer.
• Oliver was also to be my "adoptive family" during the summer, but I was "adopted" by Joileen and Roger, dear friends of my late grandma Sis. I was able to re-connect to the side of my family I rarely talk to.
• Every summer, the staff puts on a short musical relating to the summer's theme. It is written and performed by the staff and they perform it every week for the campers and their families. I was graciously allowed to have the lead (plus I got a "Heavenly Nicole" shirt out of it).
• I spent a week or so with my sister and my niece and nephew. And got paid for it.
• I spent nearly every weekend with Angie, my sister's mom. She lived only 10 minutes away from camp and it became my weekend home where I got a hot shower and a house I could rule for a few days.

The list could be much more extensive if I were to continue. My summer, the one I hated with all my being in the beginning, ended up being exactly what I needed. I needed closure with Oliver's passing and camp allowed it to happen. I needed to be able to become closer to Ashly, my sister, and Angie and camp allowed that to happen as well. I needed to be able to fulfill my last "life goal" and camp was it. It truly allowed everything that needed to happen in my life to happen. I didn't particularly grow in who I was, but it helped me realize who I was in that particular moment, since so much change had occurred in the years before.

Change is good, but sometimes being able to reflect on who you are and what makes you who you are is a blessing as well. Sometimes, life doesn't give you what you want, but exactly what you need.

Peace.

-Nicole