Feeling at Home

As I was sitting on my computer this afternoon, I had a very odd thought cross my mind: I'm glad I'm home. I stayed out pretty late last night, as is normal in Spain, and so it was nice to be in my room, relaxing. But what was odd about it is that I referred to this small apartment I once hated be in as my home.

When got to Sevilla, I refused to call this small apartment "home". I only referred to it as "the apartment" or "Ana's place" (Ana is my host mom). I was so miserable and wishing I could go home that I did not want to adjust to the differences of my living situations. I knew I could adjust; I just didn't want to. Adjusting meant I was here for a while and it meant that I had to make a life for myself here.

Let's just say I've come a long way. I am now thoroughly enjoying my time in Spain. I've stopped counting the days I've been in Spain. I finally put up my pictures I brought with on my bulletin board (the photos don't make me sad anymore). I have a bus pass and I know the system pretty well. I have my favorite places to shop and my favorite places to hang out. I've discovered that Spanish coffee makes my heart feel like it's about to explode and that I should probably stick to tea. Heck, I even made friends.

So I'm home. I have fallen in love with Spain and what it has to offer. Looking at my calendar, I'm starting to feel like there isn't enough time here. So, I guess I should starting living it large, right?

Peace!

-Nicole

Here are some photos from the past few weeks.

Roaming around Aracena

In Granada

Cathedral in Sevilla

Cathedral in Córdoba

Time Won't Go to Waste

My first week here in Spain was anything but perfect. Yes, I enjoyed my first few days of class, but nothing else felt right. I had the usual complaints: my feet hurt from all the walking, I knew nobody in the program, the food was new. Those things I knew I could soon get over. But, as some know, I have social anxiety. For the past few years, I have been in therapy and have had it well controlled. However, when I got to Spain, any little thing that didn't fit my usual pattern made me quite uncomfortable and beyond anxious. Normally, I know what to do - talk to someone I trust, make an appointment with my psychologist, jump into activities. But here, I had no idea what to do. I couldn't talk to anyone I trusted, because there was no one. I could call someone back home, but phone calls are expensive and I didn't have internet at my host home to Skype anyone. I also couldn't make an appointment because, well, I'm in Spain. And there were no activities to speak of and no one I could do things with.

I knew the first week would be rough - it always is, no matter where you are. The same thing happened to me last summer when I started to work at camp. This 'being uncomfortable' thing was not new. But what really got me was my anxiety. I eventually called my mom and talked with people who work at the Center. After a few days of planning and a few more days of adjusting, things are better.

Discomfort is easy to handle by oneself, which is why I think trips are easy to do. A study abroad, however, goes beyond discomfort. Granted, I have anxiety, but I still believe everyone has that one thing that makes it harder.

I have discovered something new: what was a great plan for one thing may be terrible for another. I had come in with the plan of jumping into things, which is what I usually do, but found it to be a terrible idea. My friend Malyn gave me some of the best advice: "Start small. It's okay not to be okay sometimes. Do whatever feels good to you - don't feel pressure to 'make the most of it'... [time] won't go to waste."

So although my first week was terrible, it wasn't wasted time. Yes, I still have to say to myself, "You made it 10 days!" but those are 10 days I proved to myself that I can do this. 10 days I stuck to my adventure. And I will only have more.

Peace, friends.

-Nicole

Hola from Spain!

¡Hola! I have safely made it to Sevilla, Spain and have pretty much settled in. I flew into Sevilla around 4:30 yesterday and then waited around for my roommate Emily to arrive. Although I am thankful my luggage did not get lost, Emily was not so fortunate. She, however, has taken it all in stride. Hopefully her luggage will arrive tonight sometime, like the airport said.

My biggest worry about coming to Spain was, naturally, speaking the language. And so far, the worry is justified. Thankfully, I have been saved by Emily, who is fairly fluent and not afraid to talk. I, however, have always found it difficult to speak, even in English. But, after an evening with Ana, my host mother, and orientation today, I have discovered two things. One: I can understand pretty much everything and two: my Spanish voice does not feel like my own.

When I speak English, it is comfortable and when words get jumbled up in my mouth, it is easy for me to untangle them. In Spanish, though, I do not recognize my voice. It feels like it has been poorly recorded and is playing back through a speaker that isn't connected quite right. And I have always believed it would be like this.

Today, during the afternoon siesta, Emily and I took a quick walk around our neighborhood (which is stunning; see below for some pictures), and our conversation ended up being half in English and half in Spanish. She commented toward the end of our walk that I was talking more and seem to be more comfortable. I realized that I was, in fact, comfortable begun to recognize my Spanish voice. I have begun to realize that I can be myself in both languages and I can have a confident voice.

Well that's all I have for now. Peace, my friends. Here are some photos from around the neighborhood.

-Nicole

An old church next to a modern building.

The front of the apartment building I stay in.

Some of the tile in the Center.

Near the apartment, about a block or so. In the background, you can see the soccer stadium. Crazy close.

My Fortune Cookie Is Speaking To Me

I ordered Chinese last night. Doesn’t seem to be a too significant event, but I swear my fortune cookie was speaking to me: “Sometimes travel to new places leads to great transformation.” Recently, I have started to question my decision to leave the States for four months to study in a different country and speak a language I don’t fully know. I am scared out my mind sometimes. So when a fortune cookie starts to make sense, maybe I should think things through more.

I recently flew to Oklahoma for Thanksgiving and I realized that the next time I would be going through the Minneapolis airport, I would be boarding a plane for a semester in Spain. I teared up, knowing I would be saying goodbye to my family and friends and I wouldn’t be able to hug them for about four months; I would only be able to see them across a computer screen. I haven’t spoken Spanish in a few months and I have never had to go more than a few hours only speaking Spanish. What am I, crazy? But, as my plane took off, I also realized that, yes, once I walked through the gate at the airport, I will be leaving those I love and my comfortable life, but I also will be heading off to Spain to learn language and culture, and gain a global perspective. I will be learning to love a new life, a new country, and new friends. I will learn so much more about myself than I could ever imagine possible.

I have taken many transformational trips in my life, ranging from two day trips to four week trips. But all of those trips were taken when I was in middle school and high school. Being a near-adult, maybe it is time for me to take another adventure. Going to college was the last adventure I took and so far it has been good, but I am getting a bit too comfortable. I am getting antsy and I need to stretch my legs. Why not stretch them across to another continent, another country?

So Fortune Cookie, although you are not always right, this time I think you are. Yes, I may be scared out of my mind, but transformation is not always bad. In fact, I have found it to be, well, great fortune.

Peace!

-Nicole

I'm Going to Spain!

Did you know I'm studying abroad starting in January? I bet not. For five months, I will be in Seville, Spain, studying culture and the language. It's been hard for me to be excited about this idea and for the longest time, I couldn't figure out why.

I was talking with Megan the other night and feeling sorry for myself. I told her I didn't want to go to Spain anymore, how I didn't want to spend five months on the greatest adventure I would have yet. No one seemed to care I was going away for five months and I felt like they were inconsiderate of my situation - lots of amazing speakers and lots of events were happening during that period and I am going to miss out on it all. I felt like people were just rubbing it in that they were going to experience it all and I was not. Megan, after consoling me for a bit, said that I rarely talk about myself in conversation anymore and rarely anyone knows I'm going to be gone, so how can they be excited for me?

It was a revelation. I don't know if I have tried to be selfless to the point no one knows who I am or what, but Megan was right. How can people be excited for me if no one knows? And how I can be excited for other people if I'm not excited for my own experience? If I'm not excited for my own, I am only jealous of others.

It's time for me to get excited about my five month adventure and time for others to know about it.

Cathedral in Seville

Peace!

-Nicole