Time Won't Go to Waste

My first week here in Spain was anything but perfect. Yes, I enjoyed my first few days of class, but nothing else felt right. I had the usual complaints: my feet hurt from all the walking, I knew nobody in the program, the food was new. Those things I knew I could soon get over. But, as some know, I have social anxiety. For the past few years, I have been in therapy and have had it well controlled. However, when I got to Spain, any little thing that didn't fit my usual pattern made me quite uncomfortable and beyond anxious. Normally, I know what to do - talk to someone I trust, make an appointment with my psychologist, jump into activities. But here, I had no idea what to do. I couldn't talk to anyone I trusted, because there was no one. I could call someone back home, but phone calls are expensive and I didn't have internet at my host home to Skype anyone. I also couldn't make an appointment because, well, I'm in Spain. And there were no activities to speak of and no one I could do things with.

I knew the first week would be rough - it always is, no matter where you are. The same thing happened to me last summer when I started to work at camp. This 'being uncomfortable' thing was not new. But what really got me was my anxiety. I eventually called my mom and talked with people who work at the Center. After a few days of planning and a few more days of adjusting, things are better.

Discomfort is easy to handle by oneself, which is why I think trips are easy to do. A study abroad, however, goes beyond discomfort. Granted, I have anxiety, but I still believe everyone has that one thing that makes it harder.

I have discovered something new: what was a great plan for one thing may be terrible for another. I had come in with the plan of jumping into things, which is what I usually do, but found it to be a terrible idea. My friend Malyn gave me some of the best advice: "Start small. It's okay not to be okay sometimes. Do whatever feels good to you - don't feel pressure to 'make the most of it'... [time] won't go to waste."

So although my first week was terrible, it wasn't wasted time. Yes, I still have to say to myself, "You made it 10 days!" but those are 10 days I proved to myself that I can do this. 10 days I stuck to my adventure. And I will only have more.

Peace, friends.

-Nicole

Rolling With The Punches

"In war as in life, it is often necessary when some cherished scheme has failed, to take up the best alternative open, and if so, it is folly not to work toward it with all of your might." -Winston Churchill

The last few days have been nothing but a change of plans. Due to a water main break here on campus, a dance was canceled, buildings were closed, and now walking routes have been designated to allow for cleaning and repair. Having a water main break with below freezing temperatures causes a lot of issues, but we're Cobbers, and we adapt... or rather, our maintenance staff does.

More pertinent, Nicole's plans have changed. A lot of us bloggers, me, Nicole, Melissa, and Malyn, were all scheduled to make a long awaited trip to this year's MBLGTACC (Midwestern Bisexual Lesbian Gay Transgender Ally College Conference) with members of a campus organization. It's going to be held in Michigan and requires a nearly 15 hour drive which caused us to plan about 4 days consisting of travel, conference, and then travel again. Unfortunately, and resulting in an immense amount of grief and sadness, Nicole will now be traveling to be with family after an unexpected death. I'm sad too, since last year was so much fun and I was really looking forward to a repeat experience. I was actually in the same boat last year with the death of my grandfather, but lucky for me, I didn't run into too much interference with travel plans. Nicole is undoubtedly going to be in the right place, and it just requires a lot of flexibility and adaptation on everyone's part.

Life often times involves rolling with the punches and being able to adapt to things you never saw coming, and probably never wanted to deal with. Things come up that alter your plans for good and for worse, but you have to be able to do the best with what you have, because while it's totally normal to resist that change and resist being put in hard positions, it's going to hurt less if you try to go with the flow.

The trick is you have to accept what you can't change and learn how to effectively change what you can. A death is something you can't change, neither is something like a cancer diagnosis, but you just have to focus your energy on how you can face those situations in a way that provides the most benefit and the least amount of detriment. You have to find the little things you can control and work with those to make the best of your current situation. Sometimes that's just finding a way to take a deep breath without losing it, and that's okay sometimes.

Now, to acknowledge the other side of this, don't let that become an excuse not to utilize your agency in situations you CAN change. Accepting the things out of your control is only one side of the coin. It's equally noble to fight for changes you know are attainable. You can fight to change policy, you can fight to change injustice, and you can fight to change attitudes and beliefs. Don't accept status quo if you can dream of something truly better.

With peace and love,

Megan

How To: Transition Back Home

(Here is our summer series - How To. To keep the blog going and to give you all something to read, I'd thought we'd give you updates in a different way than normal for the summer.)

Steps:
1. Move everything back into place - make it like it was before or even improve. Make sure everything that you don't want in your room at home is stored away from view. Make yourself as comfortable as possible in your space at home.
2. Find a job or at least something to keep you busy.
3. Talk to your friends from college about the transition - tell them it's hard if it is. Just be honest. But find a balance of when to talk and what to talk about.
4. Reconnect or make new connections with friends.
5. Don't be afraid to make plans for the next year.

Ah, summer. It's a wonderful time. Right now, it's about 90 degrees out and sunny as ever. I'm excited that I can finally wear tank tops and shorts and go barefoot outside, but lately, I've been a bit down. The transition back home has been rough for me, as for many of the other writers here and many of my other friends. I've spent some nights crying, some days unwilling to get out of bed, and other days are full of energy and joy.

We spend about 8 or 9 months away from home, determining how we should live our day to day lives, having a life that our parents have no idea what it consists of, unless we tell them. I flourished while in college (read previous posts for evidence). I became closer to people than I ever have and spent nearly every moment of my life in contact with someone. Now that it's summer, it's yet another change. My best friend from high school now lives in another state and my friends who are still in high school are, well, still in high school. It was easy while classes were still session to hang out with people because they were only two steps away in their own dorm room.

In the past few weeks since classes have finished, I've discovered a few things. First, I miss a lot of people and miss them more than I have missed people before. They became a part of me and it really does feel like I've lost part of myself. Second, it's hard to find a balance of communication with people. Not only the frequency, but what we talk about. And third, time alone is hard. It just is.

So here are some solutions I hope will work. First, be comfortable. I still have some of my dorm stuff sitting in my living room (my microwave, a shelving unit, etc). And because I'm in my living room a lot, it just reminds me of people and events and such. The more stuff I put away, the easier it is to enjoy my summer. Second, keep busy. I started my job about a week and a half ago and it makes me tired as ever and keeps me busy. I don't really have time to miss people. Third, talk to people about how you're doing. And it's ok to tell them you miss them. I've found that chances are, they miss you too. But don't just talk about that - talk about what you did that day and such. Also, find a balance of communication. If you are staying up or delaying an activity to wait for them to respond, something's wrong. Focus more on other relationships. Which leads me to thing four. You had 8 months to build relationships - they can be put on slow-mo for a few months while you develop other relationships. I'm really excited for when the high schools are done because then I have more people to reconnect with. Oh and take pictures! Document your epic summer to show people when you get back to school. And the final thing is make plans for next year. Just get excited.

Yes, this transition has been hard. Yes, I've had days where all I want to do is sleep and watch movies and cry. But there are beginning to be more days where I can't wait to see my friends at work, learn new things, or start a new project. It's simply a change and this one - summer - is a good change. Soak up the sun. Enjoy life.

Peace!

-Nicole