I broke down crying in the library last night. The hours previous had been great - dinner and pie with some friends, productivity with homework, beautiful weather - but I found it all to be proof of what I lack. With my hair as a shield from passing stares, I cried about having no one who cares, no one who checks in on my well being, about how unmotivated I was feeling.
As I was journaling last night, my main thing was about how I am not "on the front line" important in anyone's life. As of late, I have been waiting for life to prove me wrong, instead of doing what I was taught to do and prove those thoughts wrong myself.
After I got back from the library, I finally figured out what was the truth and what was my head getting the best of me. I do have friends and I know that I am important in people's lives, even if they haven't told me directly. And I do have people check in on me, but the thing is, I have to do the same. If I am sitting in my room or hiding in the library, how are people supposed to connect with me?
Yes, I did have to start over on making friends and had to seriously re-connect with people, but because I lost one of the most important relationships in my life, does not mean I have no value in anyone else's life. And that is what I have to tell myself over and over again. I do have value and it isn't the world's job to prove it to me. I have to prove it myself.
(Here is our summer series - How To. To keep the blog going and to give you all something to read, I'd thought we'd give you updates in a different way than normal for the summer.)
Steps:
1. Move everything back into place - make it like it was before or even improve. Make sure everything that you don't want in your room at home is stored away from view. Make yourself as comfortable as possible in your space at home.
2. Find a job or at least something to keep you busy.
3. Talk to your friends from college about the transition - tell them it's hard if it is. Just be honest. But find a balance of when to talk and what to talk about.
4. Reconnect or make new connections with friends.
5. Don't be afraid to make plans for the next year.
Ah, summer. It's a wonderful time. Right now, it's about 90 degrees out and sunny as ever. I'm excited that I can finally wear tank tops and shorts and go barefoot outside, but lately, I've been a bit down. The transition back home has been rough for me, as for many of the other writers here and many of my other friends. I've spent some nights crying, some days unwilling to get out of bed, and other days are full of energy and joy.
We spend about 8 or 9 months away from home, determining how we should live our day to day lives, having a life that our parents have no idea what it consists of, unless we tell them. I flourished while in college (read previous posts for evidence). I became closer to people than I ever have and spent nearly every moment of my life in contact with someone. Now that it's summer, it's yet another change. My best friend from high school now lives in another state and my friends who are still in high school are, well, still in high school. It was easy while classes were still session to hang out with people because they were only two steps away in their own dorm room.
In the past few weeks since classes have finished, I've discovered a few things. First, I miss a lot of people and miss them more than I have missed people before. They became a part of me and it really does feel like I've lost part of myself. Second, it's hard to find a balance of communication with people. Not only the frequency, but what we talk about. And third, time alone is hard. It just is.
So here are some solutions I hope will work. First, be comfortable. I still have some of my dorm stuff sitting in my living room (my microwave, a shelving unit, etc). And because I'm in my living room a lot, it just reminds me of people and events and such. The more stuff I put away, the easier it is to enjoy my summer. Second, keep busy. I started my job about a week and a half ago and it makes me tired as ever and keeps me busy. I don't really have time to miss people. Third, talk to people about how you're doing. And it's ok to tell them you miss them. I've found that chances are, they miss you too. But don't just talk about that - talk about what you did that day and such. Also, find a balance of communication. If you are staying up or delaying an activity to wait for them to respond, something's wrong. Focus more on other relationships. Which leads me to thing four. You had 8 months to build relationships - they can be put on slow-mo for a few months while you develop other relationships. I'm really excited for when the high schools are done because then I have more people to reconnect with. Oh and take pictures! Document your epic summer to show people when you get back to school. And the final thing is make plans for next year. Just get excited.
Yes, this transition has been hard. Yes, I've had days where all I want to do is sleep and watch movies and cry. But there are beginning to be more days where I can't wait to see my friends at work, learn new things, or start a new project. It's simply a change and this one - summer - is a good change. Soak up the sun. Enjoy life.
1. Anxiety doesn't need a reason.
2. Make yourself uncomfortable.
3. Never forget the value of hot cocoa.
4. You are loved.
Megan here, haaaappy Wednesday. Ohmygoodness, Three things: 1. My writing prof has been sick for the last two days(poor guy), pushing back our schedule a day so I don't have to stress over writing an essay tonight. 2. My Philosophy prof likes to talk a lot and we're now behind, so he's pushing our lecture back a day so I don't have to stress over reading new Philosophy material tonight. 3. My Psychology prof has decided to nix a chapter from our exam on Friday so that's one less chapter for me to stress over while studying tonight.
I cannot believe my good fortune during the last two days! Sorry, I had to share.
It's a long, wonderful, eventful day and I am both excited and nervous to go to the Vagina Monologues tonight, 1. Because I am extremely skittish and sensitive, and 2. Because I know two of the performers. *cough* Nicole and Riah. I am just plain ol' excited to see them perform. Now, upon thinking about how incredibly uncomfortable I'll be, I started to think about my stage fright which is ridiculously awful--it's been mentioned a few times in other posts.
I can't control my public speaking anxiety and it's actually gotten worse as I've gotten older despite my learning and application of various relaxation techniques. I'm starting to experience little bouts of anxiety randomly, even without public speaking, but I'm dealing with it. The thing is I've always wanted to feel comfortable performing and I usually can if I have adequate preparation and passion for what I'm doing. Nothing would make me happier than to perform my poetry for an audience, and I want to be able to do that...but I always let my anxiety hold me back. In short, I stay in my comfort zone instead of enduring the vulnerability and discomfort I experience when I'm placed in front of an audience. My comfort zone will never increase if I keep this up, so I'm going to work on challenging myself and hopefully you'll hear something about me performing in some capacity in the future--assuming the blog continues to run.
We have all of these things that we can't necessarily control about ourselves, anxiety, medical conditions, undesirable personality traits, experiences etc.--they're a part of being human. Sometimes we just cannot change our circumstances. It's not like I can up and decide to shed my humanity for a day or two. Being a human being just comes with certain conditions, and one of those conditions is that you will have flaws, BUT the brilliant thing is that, as humans, we have the ability to work on ourselves and control how we respond to those flaws. Not only that, but we can control how we respond to other people's flaws, whether that involves providing them guidance, positive regard, forgiveness, or simply just telling them they're loved. I think we forget that last one sometimes--the fact that we are loved despite our flaws. If I can't beat my public speaking anxiety, I can certainly work on coping with it and making it a non-issue. It's a cool plus side to that whole "being human" thing.
So accept and acknowledge your beautifully flawed self. Heck they're not even always a bad thing! Strength exists not in their absence, but in moving forward and developing as a human being despite their presence. You are loved and you are human. Remember that.
P.S. If you're ever having a tough day, listen to this song. It tends to cheer me right up.
1. Study for a test because then the test might take you half the time allotted.
2. Re-read your favorite book.
3. Packing for a trip is difficult.
4. Crying isn't such a bad thing.
I have cried so much in the past few days - it's slightly insane. It's quite embarrassing, actually.
And I'm not talking about sad tears (we'll get to that later); most of them have been out of pure joy. On Monday, at 5:31pm, my sister Ashly gave birth to my new niece Presley. I wasn't able to be there, but I got plenty of pictures and messages about it. If you don't know my story, let me give you some background: I grew up an only child, but then last summer, shortly after my 18th birthday, my mom told me I had a half sister on my dad's side. She is 9 years older than I am and at that time, had a 2 year old son named Cash. Let's just say it was quite the shock and then it turns out she was pregnant with another. It's been a whirlwind experience.
So then Monday comes along. Shortly after Presley was born, I got a text from Ashly: Presley Kay 9lbs 9oz 21 1/2 inches long along with a picture. I was just about to head to dinner with Megan and the rest of the crew when I got the text; it was instant tears. For me, happy tears is a new thing. I don't believe I have ever felt so overjoyed to hear anything in my life. It's almost like you are joy, not just feeling it. Then my mom sent me a text saying, "Just think, she's got your blood!" Now that sent me into another round of tears. For most of my life, I have never had anything so little share so much of who I am. Not to mention, this meant I would be in her life until the day I died. I'm going to see her grow up, I'll teach her crazy things - I am forever in her life, her little amazing life.
Presley Kay
Later on that night, I was chilling in my room, trying to finish a speech. I had pretty much stopped crying (I did cry when I saw a picture of Presley's feet) and was trying to finish what I needed so I could go to bed. I was feeling slightly anxious because a few of my friends were hanging out together and I felt slightly rejected and I had spent part of my night at play rehearsal, which was pretty rough. Megan gave me a quick hug before she headed back to her dorm and as soon as the door shut, I start to cry again - this time with sadness and anger and utter fear. I was so terrified - by everything. I wasn't afraid of something happening, but I was just afraid of it all. It was a feeling of utter drowning and being lost. I was eventually pulled up and found, but for a while, I was a pile of emotion.
I don't think I've cried like that since last summer - both the happy and sad crying. Although I hated some of the feelings, I'm glad. The release of emotions reminded me of who I am - what my joys and fears are and who I want to depend on.
Crying shows us at our highest and lowest moments. It gives us the release we need and it allows us to keep on moving. Sometimes we get so stuck and we need to be freed. And maybe we get stuck in a good place, but here's the catch: we're stuck. We can't move on and experience more.
1. Teaching in Spanish is not as scary as one would think.
2. Phone cases made to look like a cassette tape are epic (even better if they glow in the dark).
New phone case!
3. 6:45am does exist.
4. Sometimes it gets worse before it gets better.
Last night was rough - I couldn't stop laughing. It was one of those laughing fits where there is no cause and everything is funny. I am fairly sure all my friends thought I was going insane, but hey, I made them laugh. And because of my laughing fit, I was having a hard time catching my breath.
I've always had issues breathing. I developed allergy-induced asthma when I was about 12 and for a few summers, I had to be on a low-dose inhaled steroid to control it. It's scary when you are having an asthma attack and you can't find your inhaler. Another issue I experience is sometimes, it feels like a large needle is being stuck into my lungs and every time I breathe in, the pain gets worse. When I was little, I use to hold my breath so I wouldn't have to feel the pain, but nearly every time, I had to take a gulp of air in so I wouldn't pass out. My mom told me, after I had experienced a few painful instances of it, that I just had to endure the pain; take a few deep breaths in and soon enough the pain will go away.
I have a few friends who are suffering like I will never know - family members are dying, depression is tormenting them, self-esteem issues are tearing them apart, and other things I may never know about. Even for me, I am having some issues with my anxiety. Although the only thing I want to do is sleep through it, ignore it, and pretend it doesn't exist, it won't help me.
Sometimes it has to get worse in order to get better. Sometimes you have to fall a bit farther to appreciate what you had before and to notice things you couldn't before. But that doesn't mean you should hold your breath during it all. Like when I was little, if I held my breath, the pain eventually disappeared, but it took twice as long for me to not feel the pain any more. And sometimes you need someone to tell you to breathe.
Don't be afraid to fall - it always gets better. And don't be afraid to tell someone about it - whatever it is - they may just help you.
1. Vanilla tea is wonderful at 8am, especially if it is caffeinated.
2. Re-discover old favorite songs.
3. A class in all Spanish (or any second language) is slightly terrifying.
4. Trust in life.
Yesterday was the first day of classes and to tell the truth, it was rough for me. I loved my classes (psychology and Spanish), but something got to me and I had an anxiety attack. Because of the type of anxiety I have (social anxiety), I tend to shut everyone out. Only when does someone directly ask me if I am having issues with anxiety do I tell them; other than that, I shut down. Anxiety attacks also bring a huge feeling of dread and utter panic.
While anxiety attacks are on the far end of the worry scale, I think everyone has these tendencies at times. Life seems to get to be too much for us to handle - we have a paper due, a test, and a huge audition on one day. It feels like too much and we shut down. It feels like we are all alone and no one needs to experience it with us.
Last night taught me something: trust in what life has to offer - including people. I know I have made friends who will stick with me no matter what, but I forgot it and allowed my anxiety to take control and whisper lies. Life wants to be kind to you and I fully believe that. Life sucks at times, but you have to allow good things to happen to you and for me, sometimes those good things are happening, but I don't see it, or I don't want to see it.
There is so much good in life. Everything is beautiful, even if it is a mess. Don't allow yourself to shut down during times of trouble - allow people to catch you and look for the beauty - even if the only beauty you see is a tear falling on someone's face or a snowflake caught on your eyelash.
