Proving It To Myself

I broke down crying in the library last night. The hours previous had been great - dinner and pie with some friends, productivity with homework, beautiful weather - but I found it all to be proof of what I lack. With my hair as a shield from passing stares, I cried about having no one who cares, no one who checks in on my well being, about how unmotivated I was feeling.

As I was journaling last night, my main thing was about how I am not "on the front line" important in anyone's life. As of late, I have been waiting for life to prove me wrong, instead of doing what I was taught to do and prove those thoughts wrong myself.

After I got back from the library, I finally figured out what was the truth and what was my head getting the best of me. I do have friends and I know that I am important in people's lives, even if they haven't told me directly. And I do have people check in on me, but the thing is, I have to do the same. If I am sitting in my room or hiding in the library, how are people supposed to connect with me?

Yes, I did have to start over on making friends and had to seriously re-connect with people, but because I lost one of the most important relationships in my life, does not mean I have no value in anyone else's life. And that is what I have to tell myself over and over again. I do have value and it isn't the world's job to prove it to me. I have to prove it myself.

Peace!

-Nicole

National Suicide Prevention Week

"The most authentic thing about us is our capacity to create, to overcome, to endure, to transform, to love and to be greater than our suffering.' -Ben Okri

Hey there.  It's Megan.  I hope your Monday is pleasant.  I'm going to put a trigger warning on this post because of the sensitive nature of the subject.

So last week was National Suicide Prevention week and last Monday was World Suicide Prevention day.  A lot of people showed their support by wearing yellow or supporting the organization To Write Love On Her Arms by well, writing "love" on their arms. next to support of the LGBTQ community, suicide prevention is the biggest cause I fight for, and it's a pretty significant reason why I chose to be a psychology major and contemplate working as a school psychologist. On the blog this year, I'm fighting against the urge to sugarcoat my posts or only talk about more positive topics, but just because we're college students doesn't mean we don't have experiences with things like this.  Through friends and family, I have more knowledge and awareness than I ever wanted to have.

The last time I'd checked, 1 in 5 teens will seriously contemplate suicide, and roughly 1% of all teenagers make an attempt. Suicide is complex, and I don't have the answers. So I'm going to focus more on the stigma and the aftermath of contemplating or attempting.

In psychology, we discuss Nature vs. Nurture and what contributes more to who we are as people.  In this case, nurture would be a genetic predisposition, a family history, a chemical imbalance, what have you. It's anything built into the genetic makeup that would predispose someone to depression and/or suicide.  The nurture aspect would be the environment or events such as bullying, abuse, death of a loved one, rejection due to LGBTQ status, etc. It's anything exterior to the person. In my opinion, a genetic predisposition is certainly not helpful in situations like these, but such things are often triggered or exacerbated by the environment.  There are exceptions I'm sure, but actual events often serve as catalysts capable of sending someone into a tailspin. However; in the same way that the environment has a huge impact on whether or not a genetic predisposition may lead to contemplation of suicide or a suicide attempt, so too can the environment help to heal and improve the situation.

So I'm going to make a small call to action. Too often we focus on the negatives here.  Maybe we offer pity and blame, focus on the events or situation that led someone to contemplate such a drastic action, or try to cover up the problem and pretend like everything's "normal."  I'm going to tell you right now that that isn't very helpful. Many times we jump to medication and medical intervention which I want to stress is VERY important, but I think there should be more emphasis on how we can structure environments beneficial to those who have struggled with suicide.  

1. Start by ending the stigma. People who have gone through this or who are survivors of it all have their own personal stories. They're people, and what happened in their past does not, and should not, define their future. 

2. Love.  A loving and supportive environment helps to heal a lot of wounds.  Help to make it understanding.  At the same time, try to understand that this experience does not mean someone is broken or damaged.  It's a life altering experience to be sure, but as the quotation says, we are capable of being greater than our suffering.  Just because someone has endured this does not mean they are incapable of standing on their own two feet.

3. Get people the help they need.  Sometimes we just can't provide the kind of support or answers someone requires.  I know I've had to step back from a few situations and put it in the hands of someone more capable and trained to handle the situation.  Even if you know someone will fight you on it, it's better to have someone upset with you and there, then be in their good graces but have them gone.

The environment someone is immersed in can push them to the brink, but it can also pull them back. The good thing about environments is that they can change, either through time or through our own doing.  A horrible environment can give way to a wonderful one. Family, friends, a school, an organization, even a cause can all be a part of a system that gives meaning to someone's life.  Never underestimate how important the environment can be in someone's recovery. 

If it weren't for my environment over the last five years, I wouldn't be here typing this. 

Be safe, be kind, be well.

-Megan

Keep Your Heart Open

1. Conversations with strangers are not always scary or awkward.
2. Sometimes you need to be extra gentle with yourself.
3. Real, deep conversations can change a person's way of thinking.

Hello! It's Malyn again. This week was...incredible, and incredibly busy.

Being a political science major who's passionate about a lot of things, especially during an election year, is a blessing and a curse. There is ALWAYS volunteering and voter registering and phone calling to be done (By the way, if you aren't yet registered to vote & you either live or attend school in MN here's a helpful website: the MN Secretary of State's page) ....yeah. Even in writing a blog post I can't truly escape it :)

And actually, I find myself enjoying it. This Saturday morning, instead of sleeping in, I went and did phone calling, working to prevent the "one man-one woman" marriage amendment from passing. I've done my fair share of calling for campaigns, recruiting volunteers and figuring out who people are likely to vote for, but this was completely different: We were sharing our stories and information about the impact of the amendment, and actually trying to change minds with the power of honesty and reflection, and questioning the views you've always held.

It wasn't bad. It wasn't even nerve-wracking. In fact, I truly enjoyed being able to share my story. It felt REALLY good to have an impact.

As I dealt with my learning curve and taking in new information, I thought a lot about letting myself make mistakes, forgiving and learning from them. I've struggled with depression over the past few years, and so the tendency to get angry with myself is still something I'm learning to quell. "Let it go" has become a new mantra for me.

Then, in the midst of being busy and making some mistakes, I caught the cold that's been going around campus. While musing that Voldemort's actually really lucky to not have a nose that gets stuffed, I took things slowly and gently, allowing for the fact that I didn't feel great. I even bought myself a slice of chocolate cheesecake, because the most comforting thing when I'm sick is good food.

Peace and have a fabulous week! :)

-Malyn

Keep Calm

1. Drink lots of water when you're sick.
2. If you do drink a ton of water, be prepared to go to the bathroom a lot.
3. Horton Hears a Who is a great way to spend a Saturday night.
4. Keep calm.

It seems to me that all of my friends - as of late - are falling apart, which leaves me wanting to fall apart too. It seems easier to let myself fall than to face the fact that my friends may not be well and I may not be able to help them. I'm getting the point where all I want to do was throw my hands up and say "I'm done" - done with the negativity, rude comments, emotional roller coaster.

But I can't do that; if I were to give up, I would lose everything good about my relationships...and that would surely send me into a hole. Plus, I can't blame them for anything; what they are going through is über hard.

Here is what I have found to work:

I know, a bit over-done, but so very true. The best thing for my friends and for me is to take it day by day. Each day brings it's own challenges and worrying about tomorrow's will only let the challenges of today grow and they will eventually become the worries of tomorrow. The best thing I can do for my friends and anyone who is going through something really tough is to see the pain and acknowledge it. If I ignore it, the pain will only become worse. I can't fix everyone, nor do I want to be the repair person; my job is to be there for them and give a hug when needed and to make them laugh when they need to be pulled out of their own heads. Heck, if I do that for them, it pulls me out of my own head and the viscous thoughts that can occur.

Life gets tough, but things do get better - maybe not in the way you planned or it is an unexpected outcome, but things do turn out.

Keep calm, breathe, and see the goodness in life.

Peace!

-Nicole

Can't Breathe

1. Teaching in Spanish is not as scary as one would think.
2. Phone cases made to look like a cassette tape are epic (even better if they glow in the dark).

New phone case!

3. 6:45am does exist.
4. Sometimes it gets worse before it gets better.

Last night was rough - I couldn't stop laughing. It was one of those laughing fits where there is no cause and everything is funny. I am fairly sure all my friends thought I was going insane, but hey, I made them laugh. And because of my laughing fit, I was having a hard time catching my breath.

I've always had issues breathing. I developed allergy-induced asthma when I was about 12 and for a few summers, I had to be on a low-dose inhaled steroid to control it. It's scary when you are having an asthma attack and you can't find your inhaler. Another issue I experience is sometimes, it feels like a large needle is being stuck into my lungs and every time I breathe in, the pain gets worse. When I was little, I use to hold my breath so I wouldn't have to feel the pain, but nearly every time, I had to take a gulp of air in so I wouldn't pass out. My mom told me, after I had experienced a few painful instances of it, that I just had to endure the pain; take a few deep breaths in and soon enough the pain will go away.

I have a few friends who are suffering like I will never know - family members are dying, depression is tormenting them, self-esteem issues are tearing them apart, and other things I may never know about. Even for me, I am having some issues with my anxiety. Although the only thing I want to do is sleep through it, ignore it, and pretend it doesn't exist, it won't help me.

Sometimes it has to get worse in order to get better. Sometimes you have to fall a bit farther to appreciate what you had before and to notice things you couldn't before. But that doesn't mean you should hold your breath during it all. Like when I was little, if I held my breath, the pain eventually disappeared, but it took twice as long for me to not feel the pain any more. And sometimes you need someone to tell you to breathe.

Don't be afraid to fall - it always gets better. And don't be afraid to tell someone about it - whatever it is - they may just help you.

Peace!

-Nicole