Can't Breathe

1. Teaching in Spanish is not as scary as one would think.
2. Phone cases made to look like a cassette tape are epic (even better if they glow in the dark).

New phone case!

3. 6:45am does exist.
4. Sometimes it gets worse before it gets better.

Last night was rough - I couldn't stop laughing. It was one of those laughing fits where there is no cause and everything is funny. I am fairly sure all my friends thought I was going insane, but hey, I made them laugh. And because of my laughing fit, I was having a hard time catching my breath.

I've always had issues breathing. I developed allergy-induced asthma when I was about 12 and for a few summers, I had to be on a low-dose inhaled steroid to control it. It's scary when you are having an asthma attack and you can't find your inhaler. Another issue I experience is sometimes, it feels like a large needle is being stuck into my lungs and every time I breathe in, the pain gets worse. When I was little, I use to hold my breath so I wouldn't have to feel the pain, but nearly every time, I had to take a gulp of air in so I wouldn't pass out. My mom told me, after I had experienced a few painful instances of it, that I just had to endure the pain; take a few deep breaths in and soon enough the pain will go away.

I have a few friends who are suffering like I will never know - family members are dying, depression is tormenting them, self-esteem issues are tearing them apart, and other things I may never know about. Even for me, I am having some issues with my anxiety. Although the only thing I want to do is sleep through it, ignore it, and pretend it doesn't exist, it won't help me.

Sometimes it has to get worse in order to get better. Sometimes you have to fall a bit farther to appreciate what you had before and to notice things you couldn't before. But that doesn't mean you should hold your breath during it all. Like when I was little, if I held my breath, the pain eventually disappeared, but it took twice as long for me to not feel the pain any more. And sometimes you need someone to tell you to breathe.

Don't be afraid to fall - it always gets better. And don't be afraid to tell someone about it - whatever it is - they may just help you.

Peace!

-Nicole

Just Be

1. Secret Santa gift exchanges are exciting.
2. The effects of five-hour energy drinks are funny, especially if you are watching it happen to someone else.
3. Don't skip breakfast...not a good thing.
4. Just let yourself be.

Talking feels like an effort today. It is like I feel like I have nothing to say to people and everything I would say would be trivial, self-centered, and tedious. I know that whatever I say will be a bit hurtful (which I don't want to happen). All I want to do is stop talking and just ignore my own thoughts. I'm not quite sure why I'm in this mood; it just is. I am normally the bubbly, weird, and energetic person who can carry a conversation fairly well, but today, not so much.

Sometimes we just need a day to just be - to listen to conversations, watch interactions, and let the world spin around you. I think we talk too much. Over the past few months, I have been finding my voice. I am now more vocal in social situations and I'm not as afraid to make a fool of myself. But sometimes it goes a bit more beyond that and becomes a "listen to me!" thing, which I have never really been a fan of. There are times when we should use our voice - to speak out on injustice or to bring new ideas to the table. But days like today make me realize that there are other ways to speak out: silence.

In theatre, I've always been taught that silence speaks more than actions and words. When I competed in speech, I was always praised for my use of pauses. It gave the audience time to react to what my character was saying and anticipate what was coming next. So many ideas are thrown around and no time is given to ponder them and wonder what is next.

I also think that we lose touch with each other - in the emotional and physical sense. We get so caught up in the daily adventures that we don't allow ourselves to just be together. Emotions are easy to sense in each other when you sit in silence. Human contact is an amazing thing too. I love having physical touch - innocent and loving. Even simply sitting close to each other so that you can feel their warmth and pulse or even holding hands. To know that they are there and living and breathing just like you is one of the greatest comforts.

So maybe the weird mood I'm in right now is a good thing, provided that I use my time to just listen, watch, and feel another's pulse.

Just allow yourself to be in people's presence.

Peace!

-Nicole

Don't Hide

1. Remember to blog, even when you're busy.
2. The first snowfall is really pretty.
3. Lazy days are good.
4. Face emotions head on.

When I was little, I had a tendency to hide. It wasn't because there was something to hide from, it's just I like to run and hide from people. It was like a big game to me, even though no one was playing it with me. When my mom would come home from work, I would sometimes hide in my closet. I would then get bored and walk out.

I want to hide today. I don't really want to hide from people, but I want to hide from my emotions. I want to hide from people asking me what is wrong, because I don't really know what's wrong myself. I don't want to face the fact that I am feeling a bit off today. I simply want to toss these weird emotions aside and wait for them to disappear.

One can try and hide from what they are feeling, but for me, I never seem to be able to run away from them. I can block out one emotion but then another emotion takes its place. Like today, I am feeling sad, but once I try to block it out, I become frustrated and bit angry. Now I have to work through this frustration in order to deal with the sadness.

Some feels do disappear with time, but if you work through them the first time, less chances are they will plague you later. In Buddhist teaching, one isn't supposed to ignore pain (physical and emotional) in meditation. Instead, one is supposed to take that pain and work through it. By working through it and figuring out what's the root of this pain, then one becomes more enlightened and free from suffering.

So next time you are feeling an emotion that really sucks, face it head on. And don't become angry with it. You are feeling this emotion for a reason; it might suck, but know that after you do face it, life will be easier and you'll see things a bit differently.

Feeling is a part of being human.

Peace!

-Nicole

Free Hugs!

1. Flying through assignments is always a good feeling.
2. Discovering you can go home a day early for break is awesome.
3. Don't do weird accents during class...you might be heard.
4. Hugs. Are. Beautiful.

"Hugging is a beautiful Western custom...When you hug...if you breathe in and out three times, your happiness will be multiplied at least tenfold." - Thich Nhat Hanh

This quotation is from the book Peace Is Every Step, which I am reading for my Buddhism & meditation class. When I got to class today, I wasn't fully prepared. I had only read half of the text and I wasn't too excited to be there in the first place. But then we started to discuss the text. Someone pointed out a section entitled "Hugging Meditation". This caught my attention.

Megan gives the best hugs. If you ever come to see us, ask her for a hug. I think I ask her for a hug at least two or three times a day. Your mood tends to become happier. This is pretty much true of all good hugs. Whenever I was having a bad night and I was an emotional wreck, a hug from my mom always made it a bit better. Or even we were kids. If we fell down or someone hurt us, a hug would tend to make it better. Hugs are the magical medicine.

Not all hugs have been great. Take the example of the kids I babysat. I have known them for nearly half their lives and whenever I see them, they give me a hug...but it's lame. It's half hearted, distracted, and weak. Thich Nhat Hanh says, "If you are distracted, thinking about other things, your hug will be distracted also, not very deep, and you may not enjoy hugging very much." True, ain't it? I always make the kids re-hug me and then they get it right.

Which leads me to think, why do we give weak hugs? I think part of it is that we are distracted, but I think it is because we don't realize how much of an effect we can have on people through our actions. A hug is a very simple thing; so is holding the door open or helping someone pick up something they dropped. But it can make or break a person's day.... "Actions speak louder than words."

Put all of yourself into whatever you're doing. Nhat Hanh talks about a parent ignoring their daughter. If they turn their focus on her, they become a real person. And, "when you become a real person, your daughter becomes real also. She is a wondrous presence, and a real encounter with life is possible at the moment. If you hold her in your arms and breathe, you will awaken to the preciousness of your loved one, and life is."

So the next time you hug someone, be there, not distracted by other things. You never know how long they will be there nor do you know how it is affecting them. And you never know, it might have an effect on you.

Peace!

-Nicole

PS You can now comment on the list of simple pleasures....so please let me know what to add!

Going Crazy

1. Laundry - it might be good to do that.
2. Inspiration can be found in the weirdest places.
3. Sometimes staring at the ceiling is a good thing.
4. Be a bit crazy.

Megan and I have a saying: "Let's do it." whenever a crazy idea comes up. I don't particularly know how it started, but I do know we say it quite often. We now have started a list of crazy and not-so-crazy things to try. The list now includes things like getting a tattoo, dying our hair random colors, chasing squirrels for an afternoon, and moving to New York and becoming starving artists. Most of the things on our list are random and don't really make sense. But maybe the list isn't an that crazy or ridiculous idea. Maybe we all should have a list of crazy things to do.

We all have some sort of bucket list. I know for me I have shortened my Bucket List because most of the things on it were unattainable. My dream list became my realistic list. So what's the point of having a 'Bucket List' if nothing on it is slightly ridiculous? Why have I taken out the dreaming in my life? I think it is because I am afraid of failure (to an extent). I don't want to disappoint myself nor do I want others to think I didn't do what I set out to do.

But that's not true. No one will think I failed if I didn't become a Broadway star. No one will think my life was pointless because I didn't publish a book. Nor should I think my life is a failure just because I didn't do those things. My life is anything but a failure. Maybe I won't see the effects of my actions, but the ripples will be seen for quite some time. But I also don't want to settle for being boring. I want to be the big dreamer who everyone thinks is a bit off-kilter. I want to look at my Bucket List and think, "Hey. Let's do it!"with no expectation I will finish or succeed. The point of a Bucket List is to put a bit of spice into life.

And life is about living in the moment, enjoying it, and making a difference. So, let's do it. Let's live.

Peace!

-Nicole

Being Human

1. Melissa and Megan are amazing blog writers.
2. It is amazing to get a text from someone when you didn't have to text them first.
3. Colum McCann is not only an amazing author, but a fantastic speaker.
4. Everyone has a story.

Today was the start of the symposium at my college, which means a ton of amazing speakers come. Tonight was Colum McCann who wrote Zoli, which the whole freshman class read. McCann was funny, personal, and had amazing insight on what it means to be an artist. I loved nearly every minute of it and tomorrow there will be plenty more speakers to come.

Afterward, I spent nearly 3 hours with a friend, simply talking. It was very different from conversations I have had in recent years. In high school, conversations tend to focus on not-so-stunning and in-depth topics. I am not saying college people are immensely better than high school people because in fact, they tend to be the same. But the fact I had an actually decent conversation (especially at night, because often I don't function well at night), was pretty much a miracle. Plus it was with someone I never really expected to be talking with.

It's pretty dang awesome to have a connection with someone and have that connection grow. My mom and I have always talked about having a 'connection' with someone right away when you meet them. For me, people are constantly popping in and out of my life, which has its ups and downs. For a connection to take root and grow deeper by each word, is something I stand in awe of. Not just because it is happening to me, but because it can happen at all.

I also re-discovered the fact that everyone has a story. In our 3 hour conversation, we talked about how when people go to college, they think they will suddenly be someone totally different. This is possible, but if you want to make a very drastic change to who you are, it isn't so easy. Whenever you change a ton about yourself, you often loose a sense of who you truly are, not just what others see. And when one tries to change a ton, old frustrations, fears, and general emotions appear. Those suppressed emotions sometimes gets the best of them. And when emotions run high, stories spill out. And everyone else discovers, contrary to the person's beliefs, that they are not alone in their scars and fears. Everyone has a story and everyone is connected.

And that makes us human.

Well, I have an early morning session to get to. Hope you are enjoying my college journey and lessons. If not... oh well.

Peace!

-Nicole