At Least I'm Breathing

1. You can never have too much tea.
2. Remember important meetings.
3. Don't scare someone awake - it's not nice.
4. At least you're still breathing.

Today was a struggle. I woke up at 7:15, ended up hitting my snooze and waking up later than wanted. I ran a few errands during the afternoon, but in order to do so, I needed a car...which was covered in 3 inches of snow. I didn't have a brush to get the snow off - I was intending on getting one while I was running errands - so I ended up covered in snow, sopping wet. The roads were quite slippery, which made for a terrible and terrifying driving experience. I nearly locked myself out of my car and I forgot my debit card in my car while I was shopping and didn't realize it until I was checking out. I also forgot I had a meeting for one of my plays I'm in and it lasted longer than I wanted it to.

It's been a rough day. Plus I keep on running into things and in the past few hours, I've slowly started to feel overwhelmed. I am in two plays, trying to get a job (which I need to volunteer for a bit before I'm hired), and oh, I am still a student.

But at least I'm still breathing.

I stopped at home for about an hour and a half today just to relax and drop a few things off. I forgot something in my car and I told myself, "Gah! Everything is going wrong!" But as I was running to my car, I started to list off everything that went right. I woke up - that's a miracle. I had food to eat and I got two meals before 10:30am. I was able to spend a few hours at home. And the best of all - I'm breathing. I am able to fill my lungs with air and feel myself living for just a moment.

After such a rough day, I can't help but laugh at myself. I have so much to be thankful for, even if nothing seems to be going right. So when you're having a rough day, just remember everything that went right.

And at least you're still breathing.

Megan's note to me and someone drew an illustration of it.

Peace!

-Nicole

Beautiful Mess

1. Halloween dances are exciting.
2. Fake blood is hard to wash off.
3. Don't stay up until 6:30am, then sleep, then wake up at 1pm. Doesn't feel too good.
4. It's a beautiful mess.

This weekend was a bit of a mess. Melissa, Megan, and I went to a play on Friday night, then ended up in my dorm watching Dracula. We got half way through the movie, then we all went to bed. Then on Saturday, I worked in the theatre for set construction. Then the three of us went to a thrift store to buy a costume for that night's festivities. Saturday night was our Halloween Bash, which included a haunted house, photo booth, and a dance.

Our photo booth picture
Laura (a girl on my floor), Melissa (as my victim), myself (vampire), and Megan (Trinity from the Matrix)

We had a blast, but when it got done at one in the morning, the three of us didn't want to go to sleep. So, we went back to our dorms, changed out of our costumes, then headed to a 24-hour restaurant. After we got bored of the restaurant, we hopped back into my car, and since we still didn't want to head back to campus, I gave them a 3am tour of Fargo/Moorhead. We finally ended up back in our dorms at 4am.We said goodnight to Melissa then Megan walked me to my dorm, fully intending on saying goodnight. The both of us ended up sitting outside my dorm door, talking... until 6:30am. By the time I went to sleep, my RA was already up and heading to the bathroom to shower. When I woke up I felt terribly ill; I felt like a complete mess.

But I don't regret anything. I am so happy I went out to eat with some of the most amazing people I have ever met. I am glad I stayed up until 6:30, having a conversation that I needed. I was a mess the next day, but it was sure a beautiful mess. It was beautiful because it didn't feel unnatural. It felt natural for us to talk for hours on end. It felt natural for us to drive around town with no destination. It felt natural. But it was also a mess because from an outside perspective and from my logic's perspective, it was probably a poor choice to stay up so late. It was a beautiful mess.

So maybe sometimes life has to be a mess in order for beauty to show. When life is a mess, we tend to be the most vulnerable. I certainly would not have had the amazing conversation I had last night if we had had it at 4pm instead of 4am. When you are vulnerable, it is the time you change the most. It's when you become a new creation and when your beauty really shines.

Life is a mess. Don't be afraid when it is because sometimes, it's beautiful.

Peace!

-Nicole

Going Crazy

1. Laundry - it might be good to do that.
2. Inspiration can be found in the weirdest places.
3. Sometimes staring at the ceiling is a good thing.
4. Be a bit crazy.

Megan and I have a saying: "Let's do it." whenever a crazy idea comes up. I don't particularly know how it started, but I do know we say it quite often. We now have started a list of crazy and not-so-crazy things to try. The list now includes things like getting a tattoo, dying our hair random colors, chasing squirrels for an afternoon, and moving to New York and becoming starving artists. Most of the things on our list are random and don't really make sense. But maybe the list isn't an that crazy or ridiculous idea. Maybe we all should have a list of crazy things to do.

We all have some sort of bucket list. I know for me I have shortened my Bucket List because most of the things on it were unattainable. My dream list became my realistic list. So what's the point of having a 'Bucket List' if nothing on it is slightly ridiculous? Why have I taken out the dreaming in my life? I think it is because I am afraid of failure (to an extent). I don't want to disappoint myself nor do I want others to think I didn't do what I set out to do.

But that's not true. No one will think I failed if I didn't become a Broadway star. No one will think my life was pointless because I didn't publish a book. Nor should I think my life is a failure just because I didn't do those things. My life is anything but a failure. Maybe I won't see the effects of my actions, but the ripples will be seen for quite some time. But I also don't want to settle for being boring. I want to be the big dreamer who everyone thinks is a bit off-kilter. I want to look at my Bucket List and think, "Hey. Let's do it!"with no expectation I will finish or succeed. The point of a Bucket List is to put a bit of spice into life.

And life is about living in the moment, enjoying it, and making a difference. So, let's do it. Let's live.

Peace!

-Nicole