Relief

I went back to my psychologist today.  The past few months I have been feeling the pressure from life. Most of the time, I can figure things out, put systems in place, and continue on. But life has given me a ton of weird, genetically mutated lemons and I don't know how to make lemonade with them. That is to say, my way of dealing with things isn't sufficient any more. "Anxiety NOS - not otherwise specified" is what I was diagnosed with. Next week, my psychologist Amy and I will come up with a therapy plan and go from there.

After the appointment this morning, I felt something I have been waiting for: relief. Or should I say, the anticipation of relief. I am ready for my shoulders to relax, to feel rested in the morning, and to feel a good connection with someone again. I'm ready to do whatever it takes to feel relief.

My life is a mix of everything right now. I love my classes, yet I can't seem to get a good grasp on some topics. I love my family more than ever, but I am also finding more differences. I love my job in the costume studio and might have chances to co-design a show, but it doesn't pay well and takes a lot of time. Not to mention, I am (finally) a very poor college student. It's bittersweet. At around age 7, a child can begin to understand how words can have multiple meanings, but it seems only now am I fully understanding this concept of multiple meanings.

It's mucky right now, but I am slowly cleaning up the mess from the flood and rebuilding the slightly damaged walls. I'm getting there, but sometimes some time, effort, and outside help is needed. 

Relief is coming.

Peace!

-Nicole

Live For Today

"All I can say about life is, Oh God, enjoy it!" -Bob Newhart

Megan here, I'm back!

I was talking to a friend the other day and she gently reminded me of something that I guess I needed to be reminded of.  She said, "No one is obligated to be unhappy." I think I need to perhaps just take a few more moments to reevaluate what makes me happy and pursue that a little bit more.  I'm not going to live forever, and my goal in life should not be to compromise my happiness for other people.

Delay of gratification is simply putting off gratification now in order to reap greater rewards in the future.  It develops in early childhood and coincides with greater emotional control.  My idea is what if sometimes we push the delay of gratification too far?  I am so guilty of living in the future, it's not even funny.  Here's how my life plan has looked so far:

Get good grades > Go to good college + get good grades > Go to good grad school + get good grades > Work a lot to pay off loans and save up for retirement > Retire

Now, that's a pretty good, goal oriented plan.  I think I've done ok so far... but there needs to be space and time in there for me to sit back and be happy.  I know I don't deal with stress well, I just don't.  It's something I am working on, but I am constantly stressing about how well I can set myself up for my next life phase.

So something new for me to work on: live for today and enjoy where I'm at.

Peace and love,
Megan

Definition of Family

1. Writer's block sucks.
2. Walking without shoes on in 31 degree weather is interesting.
3. Chocolate is wonderful.
4. Welcome to the family.

Happy Easter everyone! I hope it was swell and was restful. My weekend was fairly relaxed - did a ton of sleeping, talking, laughing, cooking, and just doing nothing. I was able to see my aunt and uncle, which is always a blessing because they live a bit ways away. I got to spend a whole day with my mother (which I have waited for for a while) and we went to see The Hunger Games, in which I cried buckets of tears. I also got to experience a new kind of family.

My family is pretty small right now, especially at holidays. My mother and I often spend holidays with another family, with whom we are close with. When making plans for this Easter, I simply assumed we would be spending it with that family again. On the contrary, it turns out we were going to have a total of 7 people at our house. My house is small and our table can only handle about 4 people and 6 is squishy, but possible. Having 7 people in our house for a few hours was going to be a feat and having a meal - oh dear, was it going to be an adventure.

My concept of family has always been very fluid. Because I grew up an only child, anyone who I connected on deeper levels with I considered to be a sibling in some sense. I have always had multiple parents because I was always in church ("it takes a village to raise a child"). It hasn't been until recently I've discovered how deep I can be connected with someone and not be related to them. With the addition of my sister, I have gone on a huge discovery process of what being family, especially what having and being a sibling means. My definition became shared experiences and having to deal with one another, despite emotions. At the end of the day, even though one might be angry or annoyed at the other, there is still that desire to be with one another. The other almost becomes a home base. In talking with friends about missing home, the recurring theme seems to be that: the comfort and feeling of home, no matter where or what the situation is.

This Easter has taught me something a bit more about family - it can grow in ways one would not expect. Megan stayed with me nearly the whole break. We spent a ton of time at church and she's gotten to the point where she has developed her own relationships outside of me. Because church is such a huge part of my life, it will frankly be very weird to not have her with me at church this summer. I have a fairly large network of people at my church and Megan has found her own place. It's just a new definition of family - she went from being a friend of a friend to being a sister in many aspects (heck, my mom even gave her an Easter basket).

For the past few months, I have created a family at school. And I expected it to happen. What I didn't expect to happen is the growing of my family at home. Not only has Megan sort of become an addition, it has happened with my mom also. She now has more children to take care of - she has dedicated herself more to relationships with the kids she mentors. I apparently now have about 20+ siblings.

So to wrap it, my definition of family is continuing to grow and change. It seems that anyone I meet may just become my newest family member. And it's pretty sweet.

Peace!

-Nicole

Life Is Like a Box of... Pi?

1. One can have too much Spanish in one day.
2. Sometimes skipping a class is necessary.
3. Registering for classes at 6:30am is torture, but sometimes it does go well.
4. Life is like a box of...pi?

I think it is strange how life can be intensely sad and absolutely wonderful at the same time. Like right now. I have my friend Bekka staying with me from Missouri (which is pretty cool) but the reason she is here isn't so awesome - Bekka's grandma died on Monday. Although I love having her here, I almost wish she wasn't because it would mean her grandma would still be alive. It's a sort of a...bittersweet situation.

My life seems to be complied of such instances: I'm in a play right now, but it removes me from my friends and sleep. I registered for classes this morning successfully, but I had to get up at 6 in order to do so and sleep is scarce right now. I am connecting more with a friend, but she might be transferring out. My life is awesome and there is so much to be grateful for, but there's also a lot of things to hate.

But this is what I have figured out: one must find their quality of life by looking at the good side of things. Sure, there is a lot to want to get rid of, but it's like if you have a ton of coins in your hand - sometimes you see the shiny side of the coin and sometimes you see the dull side...all you have to do is flip the coin to see the shine. The dull side is still there - it's just shown from the other side.

And here is another thing: life is never ending. (In honor of Pi Day...) Like pi, life is never ending. Sometimes things repeat, but ofttimes it comes in different form and orders and it simply never ends. You can try to find the end of things, but it is practically impossible. And it's always changing; things pass and new things come your way. Terrible things don't last for long.

So on this ridiculously warm day (it's supposed to be 61), find joy in things you would never think to find joy in.

Peace!

-Nicole

Energy

1. Chocolate cupcakes are a great pick-me-up.
2. Smash is a great TV show, although it does have some faults.
3. Doing simple math in Spanish is quite hard.
4. Renew your energy.

Well hello there! Sorry for the long hiatus - it was spring break for us last week and this week is "hell week" for the Vagina Monologues (we open tomorrow!), so things have been busy. Life is pretty much back to normal, which is always good.

But to be frank, the weeks leading up to spring break weren't the greatest; it felt like everyone was falling apart and there was nothing I or anyone could do. Energy levels were really low and what was there was very negative. I hated to say it, but I just wanted to get away from everyone. I didn't want to leave campus because I loved the people and the culture of it all, but I couldn't stand the negative energy.

Then spring break came. I ended up spending a few days with my sister and brand-new niece (who, by the way, is my goddaughter). I was hesitant to go because I was so exhausted physically and emotionally. But it was what I needed. What I wanted was to spend a whole week alone in my house, watching movies and doing nothing. But I needed was to be somewhere with someone who loved me, but didn't care about what was going on. I needed to be swept up into a different energy. Being around a 1 week old baby and a 2 year old - one can't particularly think about themselves. It was what I needed and I am so glad I went. (I did end up spending some time alone and some time with friends from high school.)

Presley and I

Each of us influences the energy around us. The more positive people, there are more positive thoughts and ideas - positivity breeds positivity and negativity breeds negativity. Typically, when I felt like I was in a negative situation, I would leave. But because I am so connected with my friends here on campus, I couldn't do that - it would hurt more than help. I needed to 'reset' my energy, bring it back to a neutral level, one that was stable and easy.

Sometimes, we need to get away, we need to be swept up into a different energy. Sometimes we need to stop focusing on ourselves. Sometimes we need to stop trying to fix ourselves because at some point, it loses its effectiveness. And when you do come back to your world, come with an open mind and heart. Connect with friends in different ways and on deeper levels.

Sometimes, we just need to fix the fuse and flip the switch.

Peace!

-Nicole

Keep Calm

1. Drink lots of water when you're sick.
2. If you do drink a ton of water, be prepared to go to the bathroom a lot.
3. Horton Hears a Who is a great way to spend a Saturday night.
4. Keep calm.

It seems to me that all of my friends - as of late - are falling apart, which leaves me wanting to fall apart too. It seems easier to let myself fall than to face the fact that my friends may not be well and I may not be able to help them. I'm getting the point where all I want to do was throw my hands up and say "I'm done" - done with the negativity, rude comments, emotional roller coaster.

But I can't do that; if I were to give up, I would lose everything good about my relationships...and that would surely send me into a hole. Plus, I can't blame them for anything; what they are going through is über hard.

Here is what I have found to work:

I know, a bit over-done, but so very true. The best thing for my friends and for me is to take it day by day. Each day brings it's own challenges and worrying about tomorrow's will only let the challenges of today grow and they will eventually become the worries of tomorrow. The best thing I can do for my friends and anyone who is going through something really tough is to see the pain and acknowledge it. If I ignore it, the pain will only become worse. I can't fix everyone, nor do I want to be the repair person; my job is to be there for them and give a hug when needed and to make them laugh when they need to be pulled out of their own heads. Heck, if I do that for them, it pulls me out of my own head and the viscous thoughts that can occur.

Life gets tough, but things do get better - maybe not in the way you planned or it is an unexpected outcome, but things do turn out.

Keep calm, breathe, and see the goodness in life.

Peace!

-Nicole

Happy New Day!

1. Sifting through old pictures is a great way to spend an evening.
2. Spending time with old friends is a hoot.
3. Being in your element is a great confidence booster.
4. Every day is new.

Happy New Day! Here's to a new day and I have a few resolutions for this New Day. I will be happier, eat as I please, and try new things. It will be better than the one before.

I've never been a fan of New Year's. I don't know why, but it just seems like a lot of hype for nothing but the change of a time. On New Year's Day, I was on Facebook and it was full of New Year's resolutions, such as eating better, moving on from past relationships, becoming more emotionally stable, and living for themselves.

While I agree with some of the resolutions and raise my eyebrows at others, I think it is simply odd we make all of these resolutions on a day that is like every other. Every day has a new date - why should we make the first of the new year any different?

I do think we should celebrate the fact we made it another trip around the sun, but sometimes, it get's a bit ridiculous. Each day we are given a chance to do things differently, to make a bigger and greater impact on the world around us. Every day is like the first of the year. Heck, every moment is like the first of the year. In Buddhist thought, we are never the same person moment to moment. Each new moment, a few cells in our body have died, a new thought is in our mind, different words are being spoken, we are breathing different air - everything about us is different. The only thing we share in common with our 2-minutes-ago-self is our past, but other than that, we are totally different.

Each new year, day, moment brings a new opportunity to change things - about ourselves and the world. So instead of making New Year's Resolutions, why don't we make New Day Resolutions? Why don't we toast each new day with a cup of orange juice at breakfast? Why don't we count down to midnight each night?

We have a brand-new day ahead of us. My resolution is to be happier, eat as much ice cream and cookies as I want, and do crazy, wonderful things. This day will be even better than the last.

Peace!

-Nicole

Fairy Dust

1. Finding an on-campus job is difficult.

2. Don't leave 8-10 page papers to the last minute.

3. Christmas gifts are hard to think of.

4. Think happy thoughts and the fairy dust will do the rest.

A lot has gone wrong in the past two days. First off, I procrastinated a 8-10 page paper until last night and it wasn't simply a analytical paper; it was a research paper on the use and effectiveness of meditation in anxiety treatment. I had all of my research done, but I had to paraphrase, use, and weave together 14 sources eloquently. I didn't really start the paper until about 8pm last night and I didn't finish it until 2:30am. Then I had to get up at 6:45.

Second, I spilled tea all over my desk. I save my computer, but my case now smells like mint tea.

Third,  I opened my email inbox yesterday and there, waiting for me to read, was an email telling me if I got an on-campus job. I read it and turns out I didn't get it. This is the third for fourth job I applied to and didn't get. I felt so defeated and quite angry that I still didn't have a job. I'm mean, come on! I am a hard worker and I am super organized and quite personal.

Fourth, because it's Christmas concert season and the semester is coming to a close, every single one of my friends has a different schedule from each other...so we haven't seen much of each other. Although I see them nearly every day, I still miss the contact I get.

A lot has gone wrong. But, then again, a lot has gone right. I got a Subway gift card in the mail from a foundation that gave me a scholarship, I got a washing machine right away tonight, I got to wear my costume for the first time for the 10 minute scene I'm in, and one of my good friends from high school who I haven't seen since mid-summer might be coming to stay with me for a few days.

We tend to focus on the terrible things of a day. Bad energy, like all energy, is contagious. And bad energy requires less of us - it's easy to succumb to. If we let the bad things get us down, we tend to stay down because, well, sometimes it's easier to complain than it is to smile.

But smiling isn't all that hard. "You just think happy thoughts. They lift you into the air," as said by Wendy in Peter Pan. Good energy breeds good energy. It picks you up off your feet and gives you a little nudge to keep on going.

So don't let bad thoughts bring you down because then you can't fly. And who doesn't want to do that?

Peace!

-Nicole

Don't Fear the Reaper

1. Snow should not come before Thanksgiving.
2. Read a book before it's due at the library.
3. Catching up on writing letters feels good.
4. Don't fear the reaper.

Monday night, I went to my high school's one act play entitled, "Don't Fear the Reaper." As you might guess, it's about the Grim Reaper, who has begun to be compassionate. He gives some people the choice to pick heaven or hell, and once they do, he sends them back to earth to be able to make that choice. And because of his compassion, he is fired from his Reaping job.

I haven't had a ton of "experience" with death. I haven't been super close to anyone who has died, but I have seen quite a few people go through grief. Death and dying are a common fear. But the fear of death is not about the process, but the life not lived. When someone dies young, people say that it is tragic because they had so much ahead of them... a life not lived.

Why do we fear the life not lived? We sometimes spend so much time focusing on death and the future that we forget the present. We all know that death is inevitable, so why fret over it? We won't be forgotten; we are just a drop in the ocean, but the ripples continue on. The best thing we can do is be loving.

We can't change the past; life isn't supposed to be flawless. I believe life is perfect; what makes it that way are the flaws. If nothing terrible happened and everything went smoothly, then all we would know is the same thing, which would become very boring. Life is supposed to be lived with flaws. Think about it. When have you felt the happiest? It's often after a tough period or moment. You need to have both sides of the coin. And if you "mess up", then you found another way not to do it. You take what you've learned and keep on walking. And if you take everything in stride, then when you get to the end of your journey, you'll take that in stride too.

Don't fear death. In fact, don't worry about it at all. Live day by day, because that's all you've got.

Peace!

-Nicole

PS Megan's off for today, so that's why I'm posting on a Wednesday.

Everything's Magic

1. Finding creative alarm clock solutions is enjoyable.
2. Little things can brighten moods.
3. Make eye contact.
4. Don't be sorry for things you can't control.

Megan here, It's Wednesday and I'm back. Happy Wednesday!

So, today was our long awaited Harry Potter themed dinner in our dining hall and wow did they do a great job! It was everything one could want and more, complete with Butterbeer, a sorting hat, and Professor Trelawney providing divination. To give you an idea of what it was like, I ate a dish called Dobby's ears, was sorted into Slytherin, and was told by Trelawney that I would experience many trials and tribulations, but would prevail. There was also something about a short year of happiness ahead. All in all it was a wonderful night and once again Nicole, Melissa, and I crashed in Melissa's room to unwind before hitting the books. Granted, we stayed longer than we wanted to, but it was still an important and much needed break since the stress is starting to pile up once again.

For all the Harry Potter fans out there, do you remember all the fascinating things about the books? I mean, three epic friends lived at a castle complex and learned magic! To be honest, that's kind of what college (and High School) is like if you so choose to view it that way. School is our life, and life is our school. Here on a college campus, there is no separation from your learning environment and your living environment. Every hour you spend outside of a classroom is still spent learning. Sure it's different subject matter, but it really is a learning environment. You learn about different people, learn different perspectives, learn better communication skills, and on some level, you learn more about yourself as a person, and wow am I learning a lot. It's like every time I check my now fading-to-green hair in the mirror, I see aspects of my future self--almost like looking into the Mirror of Erised.

I find it kind of funny how some of my classes make me think about things I never thought I would. Melissa and I have our psychology class together and we've been discussing happiness quite a bit as a part of our unit on emotions. We had to read an article on how monetary wealth doesn't necessarily equate to happiness because a high paying job might take away time from being with a family and things of that nature. Yet... here we are, college students trying to be successful, a term society now associates with monetary wealth. I find it funny because, like Nicole, I am also experiencing a great deal of happiness. The thing is I am a very poor, very sleep deprived college student! So why am I happy? I think it's because I am learning, not only from incredible professors, but from incredible friends and peers as well. When I leave my Utopian Philosophy class with a headache from pondering whether or not I truly have free will, or when I'm up late in a lounge coloring a Spanish project, I have little moments of not being able to explain what this experience is. How do we explain things we don't quite understand? Simple. It's magic.

So view the world as a magical place, because sometimes it really is. Heck, I might even ask the Chemistry students how Potions class is going...

That's it. Peace out. All my love!

-Megan

That Melancholy Feeling

1. It's so much fun to be with your sister, especially if it is the second time you've met.
2. Halloween candy is quite delicious.
3. Get your assignments done before class, just so you don't have to catch up later.
4. Life has it's ups and downs.

I have been ridiculously happy lately. It's been sort of crazy. I have so much going for me to be happy for. I can't seem to find anything to be sad about. Sure, there are things to be sad about, but it seems nothing will bring me down. And it's easy to see why: I have amazing friends, I love my college, and I am pretty emotionally stable.

I was talking with Megan last night about being happy. We had spent most of the evening with Melissa and Sally (a girl on our floor), just telling stories and laughing. I was already excited when I met up with them at around 7 because I had just spent the last few hours with my sister and my nephew. When I met with them, they were jittery and full of energy. We spent nearly 3 hours laughing. Later on, when I was talking with Megan, I said I had a headache. "Too much happiness?" she asked. I quickly responded, "Never too much happiness!" Then, Megan being the psychology major she is, she said, "In psychology we talked about how one can have too much happiness. If you're constantly happy, that's a lot of wear and tear. If you're constantly depressed, it's the same thing. If you experience a balance of highs and lows, you maintain overall balance."


That got me thinking. Sure, everyone wants to be happy and we all strive to make everyone else happy too. But I have always believed that there should be contrasts. Take love. In order to know what love is, we need to know what hate is. If we don't know what hate is, then we would never appreciate the other side of the coin - love. It seems the same is true for happiness. If we don't know what sadness feels likes, then how can we appreciate happiness?


Megan, Melissa, and I went to a play on Friday night called Melancholy Play by Sarah Ruhl. The basic premise of the play is about a woman named Tilly who is very, very melancholy. As the play progresses, she meets a few friends and they are all fascinated by her. Tilly often goes off on tangents about life and her friends soon fall in love with who she is. But then, because Tilly senses this love, she becomes dramatically happy. She almost becomes insane with happiness. But then Tilly's friends, who were once quite happy, become melancholy because Tilly isn't teaching them the things they craved to know. She notices her friends' unhappiness but doesn't know how to feel sadness for her friends because she has been wrapped up in her happiness.

We need both happiness and sadness to be balanced and content. For the past few days, I have been fearing my "downfall" from my happiness. I love the way I feel when I'm happy. Who doesn't? But sometimes it does get a bit tiring, being so happy all the time. And we need to feel all range of emotions to be well-rounded - it's what we all learn in 7th grade health.

So, don't fear sadness or melancholy. Often that's when we appreciate things the most. We need a balance. Be happy for a while, but also let yourself fall into sadness for a while. Always know that happiness will come your way again.

Peace!

-Nicole