My Anxiety's Dismay & My Complete Joy

I just ate so much food. Two plates of Mongolian grill and then a very large bowl of frozen yogurt. Orientation Core 1 made a huge mess of our table (nearing 20 empty plates with 9 of us) and were the loudest people in the whole place, receiving many glares of disdain. I probably used up more gas than I should have to go eat. However, the laughter, the pure joy, and the lessons I got out of the evening were so worth the stomach discomfort and the use of gas.

In the car on the way to get some fro-yo.

As I have mentioned before, this past year has been the hardest year of my life. I lost a lot and felt broken beyond repair; my social anxiety, along with the adjustment back, got the best of me. I was petrified of how senior year would go. I was scared that I would have absolutely no friends, that I would be utterly rejected by a lot of people (and for good reason), and that I would have to muck through my last year in undergrad by myself.

Much to my anxiety's dismay and my complete joy, those predictions I told myself have not come true. Relationships with old friends have been rekindled, even if it was (and continues to be) tough to do. I have made new friends in people I have admired for a good while and I have found a group of people via Orientation who I enjoy being with and who truly give me life. Not to mention, I have a group of first years who I admire for their excitement about starting a new chapter in life.

These past two weeks or so have been a lesson for me: no matter the past or what heartache and anxiety I bring, it is possible to find a new place in old situations. I know Concordia, but I have found a new place to stand in it and more people to stand with. And that is very awesome.

So here is my thanks to all who have been with me the last two weeks in any capacity - even if the only interaction we had was an introduction: I appreciate you all and I hope you know how important you are to me. I truly admire each of you and I hope that there will be more opportunities for my appreciation and admiration to grow. Thank you.

Peace.

-Nicole

Change, People, and Self

Welcome back to Dorm Room 718! It is now junior year and goodness, have the changes been great. I am no longer a theatre major and am instead a psychology major. I have added two more minors besides Spanish (religion and women's studies). Speaking of that Spanish minor, I will be in Spain this coming Spring for a study away program. I've had two different summer jobs, both working with children. I now live in an apartment with my freshman floor-mate Melissa. My niece and nephew are no longer babies, but instead toddlers. I hold two jobs and am involved in multiple on-campus clubs. Change is good, but sometimes it looks a bit different than expected.

I've always thought of myself as innocent and positive. Sometimes it had a bad connotation and sometimes it was a fabulous descriptor. No matter what meaning it held, I still thought of myself as innocent. Someone close to my heart told me last night that recently, they had failed to see that innocence and that I've become almost... cynical. They have missed the part of me that saw the best in people and if I did see something no so favorable, I didn't focus on it or bring it up. The more I thought about their words, the more it seemed to ring true. Yes, I have started to fail to see the good in people and I immediately believe the bad. The cause and root of this, though, I cannot seem to figure out.

My last year has been an odd one. I have said before I strive to be the one who is always growing in who she is. It seems I have not been able to say that in the last year. Important relationships have changed and become strained and my summer job as a camp counselor has challenged how I interact with people and life situations. I have discovered my limitations and shortcomings instead of my strengths. This isn't to say finding out such limitations and shortcomings is a terrible thing, but it is a bit of a downer after a long period of time.

Maybe that's it. Maybe I have failed to see the good in myself, which causes me to skip over the good in others. I have always said I'm a people-person and I thrive off of human interaction. Rather than thrive, I seem to diminish in who I am. I am still not sure what will remedy this undesirable change and maybe all I need is time, but it can't but help my situation if I actively search out a solution.

Until next,

peace.

-Nicole

Wandering

Today is my niece Presley's first birthday and can I just say I am flabbergasted it has been a year since she came into the world. I searched for the post I made last year around this time and I saw the picture attached to it. It's funny to look at myself. In the past year, my hair has been 4 colors, I had two semesters more of school, I spent a summer working, and multiple other things. Life has changed a lot and I along with it.

Although I haven't changed a lot physically in a year, I have in every other way. I am more confident, know a lot more, and have learned a lot more about who I am. But, in turn, I am less sure of my future and am more of a wanderer than ever. Just today I've noticed how much of a wanderer I am. I am constantly moving my place of residency - home, dorm, and this summer, camp. I don't even really what I'm going to do even in the next week, let alone in a year or four.

As you all know, I need a schedule. I need to know what's going on, but being in a theatre production and various other activities makes my schedule hard to predict. I'm becoming more frustrated with my life because of this fact. I need to know what is coming next and what my destination is and what my ultimate goal is. Let's just say I'm wandering all over the place.

But isn't that part of the adventure? The adventure of college - even life in general - is to feel uncomfortable and try new things. George Watsky last Friday told us that this was his last college show because he was moving onto play music instead. "I was getting comfortable with it and I figured I better move on," he said because he said life is about trying new things. Maybe that's what I'm missing - new things. I am certainly uncomfortable enough, but I don't really have anything new going on. I'm wandering around in a desert right now when I could (and should) go wandering in a big city and explore what it has to offer.

So here is to wandering and trying exciting things! Getting lost may happen, but at least I'll figure out a new path and new ideas and new adventures.

Peace!

-Nicole

The Positive Past

“Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards.” -Søren Kierkegaard

The past can suck. Well, okay actually parts of the past can suck, but there are a ton of positive things as well. Here's an example:

If there's one thing I'm proud of, it's my social network: the people I have surrounded myself with for the past 7 or so years. From middle school on up I have been allowed to influence, and have been influenced by the most incredible circle of people, and over the last few weeks I bit a rather specific sort of bullet and chose to reconnect as much as I could with individuals I had lost some closeness with. I talked to pals from high school, my various friend groups, old teachers, and some others. I count myself very lucky to have all of them, not because of any action on my part, but because of everything on their part.

The past... it can be difficult, but it influences your present whether you like it or not. It is completely in your control however, how and where that influence comes into play--for positive or for negative. For me, my experiences with all these people have helped to lay the foundation for my current self, and so when I made all these re-connections, I was simply hoping that these people remembered me with the same fondness that I remembered them.

What I walked away with was the realization that even though we hadn't spoken in a while, or there had been past misunderstandings and miss-communications, there was still so much positive history that when push came to shove, a reciprocated friendship and understanding still remained. By nature, humans are pro-social, working for the benefit of each other most of the time, and it leaves a mark. So all those times when maybe you took someone aside in an empty hallway so they could tell you how they were feeling, all those times you crowded into a van and solved the world's problems, all those times you let yourself be vulnerable in a piece of writing, or even those times when you got into a car together and didn't know where you'd end up or when you'd be back... all those shared experiences aren't meaningless. When I reached out to those connections with something like, "Is it ok if I talk with you for a little bit? because I'm hurting and I feel helpless and I need some reassurance to help me get through this." The response I got was nothing short of an incredible resurgence of all of that past positive regard and those positive experiences.

My friends, my family, my mentors, and my random acquaintances showed me love and support impossible to measure. They came through for me, just like I needed them to. I have faith in them no doubt, but maybe more importantly, they have faith in me. They told me again and again that I knew what was best for me, and that I knew what was right. It's not necessarily so much what our connections do for us, but what they teach us to do for ourselves that stands the ultimate test of time. How lucky I am then, to have both beautiful experiences. Through all those many many many conversations, re-connections  and essentially trust falls, I now know with everything in me, that I'm doing the right thing. I am in a beautiful situation, and I'm in a wonderful place in my life.

As my high school poetry teacher recently told me,
"Trust yourself. Trust love."

-Megan

Relief

I went back to my psychologist today.  The past few months I have been feeling the pressure from life. Most of the time, I can figure things out, put systems in place, and continue on. But life has given me a ton of weird, genetically mutated lemons and I don't know how to make lemonade with them. That is to say, my way of dealing with things isn't sufficient any more. "Anxiety NOS - not otherwise specified" is what I was diagnosed with. Next week, my psychologist Amy and I will come up with a therapy plan and go from there.

After the appointment this morning, I felt something I have been waiting for: relief. Or should I say, the anticipation of relief. I am ready for my shoulders to relax, to feel rested in the morning, and to feel a good connection with someone again. I'm ready to do whatever it takes to feel relief.

My life is a mix of everything right now. I love my classes, yet I can't seem to get a good grasp on some topics. I love my family more than ever, but I am also finding more differences. I love my job in the costume studio and might have chances to co-design a show, but it doesn't pay well and takes a lot of time. Not to mention, I am (finally) a very poor college student. It's bittersweet. At around age 7, a child can begin to understand how words can have multiple meanings, but it seems only now am I fully understanding this concept of multiple meanings.

It's mucky right now, but I am slowly cleaning up the mess from the flood and rebuilding the slightly damaged walls. I'm getting there, but sometimes some time, effort, and outside help is needed. 

Relief is coming.

Peace!

-Nicole

Live For Today

"All I can say about life is, Oh God, enjoy it!" -Bob Newhart

Megan here, I'm back!

I was talking to a friend the other day and she gently reminded me of something that I guess I needed to be reminded of.  She said, "No one is obligated to be unhappy." I think I need to perhaps just take a few more moments to reevaluate what makes me happy and pursue that a little bit more.  I'm not going to live forever, and my goal in life should not be to compromise my happiness for other people.

Delay of gratification is simply putting off gratification now in order to reap greater rewards in the future.  It develops in early childhood and coincides with greater emotional control.  My idea is what if sometimes we push the delay of gratification too far?  I am so guilty of living in the future, it's not even funny.  Here's how my life plan has looked so far:

Get good grades > Go to good college + get good grades > Go to good grad school + get good grades > Work a lot to pay off loans and save up for retirement > Retire

Now, that's a pretty good, goal oriented plan.  I think I've done ok so far... but there needs to be space and time in there for me to sit back and be happy.  I know I don't deal with stress well, I just don't.  It's something I am working on, but I am constantly stressing about how well I can set myself up for my next life phase.

So something new for me to work on: live for today and enjoy where I'm at.

Peace and love,
Megan

Preschool

It has been said many times before, but I am coming to a new understanding of what it means when someone says college students are preschoolers. Of course, I get excited when I learn something new and I think it is the coolest thing ever and sometimes I need my mom to pick me up and kiss me on the head. But let me add something to this extended metaphor: preschoolers develop a thing called "false beliefs", which is the understanding that what someone thinks can be wrong, including their own thoughts.

In the past few weeks, I have been struggling with how to deal with differing opinions. When growing up, views on things that other people held were different, but not drastically. And if they were, it always seemed I could prove them wrong. It seemed I was always right. I have come to the difficult realization that my views on things may be wrong and there can be multiple truths on something. Just as preschoolers develop the ability to control their emotions, I am learning how to control my feelings when someone has a dissenting opinion, especially when someone is close to me.

There is something unique to college-age students though that differs from preschoolers - the development of being able to appreciate differing thoughts and see them as valuable. My college emphasizes the importance of interfaith and inter-anything conversation. The valuing of opinion is what makes something change for the better. And I'm slowly getting to that understanding of that value.

And although preschoolers and adults are different, I think I am still entitled to a few naps and for my mom to pick me up off the sidewalk and kiss my scrape and tell me it's all going to be ok.

Peace!

-Nicole

Accepting help

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“Nothing makes one feel so strong as a call for help.” – Pope Paul VI

Happy Friday!

Everyone seems to be getting sick. And not only are we all sick down here in the Lou, it’s test time. From chemistry to German to archaeology, professors tend to pick the same weeks and/or days to give exams. It’s actually quite remarkable.

Although I haven’t gotten sick yet (knock on wood), I wasn’t able to go to any of my classes last week. This means that my entire week this week has been devoted to getting caught up in all my classes and I know others are in the same boat. It’s not easy. It’s harder if you try to get through it on your own.

Growing up, I was always taught that you should be independent and not rely on anyone. I think this could have been a really good lesson to learn, but it got taken a little too far. Until recently, I thought that I was weak if I asked for help. I “should” be able to solve my own problems. Life doesn’t work that way.

We all have needs. Sometimes they can get a little scary and overwhelming. We can’t do everything on our own. My social psychology professor would say, “People are cultural animals; we need each other to survive.” We all need a little help sometimes, but learning to ask for help is hard and accepting that help takes strength. They're a couple of the best lessons I've ever learned.

Stay strong and have a wonderful weekend!

Bekka

Growing Pains

It's been a month since I've been back on campus. I have reorganized my room more than once, freaked out about grades a few times, and have had a few very busy days. I didn't realize it had only been a month until tonight, when I was adding a ton of events to my calendar on my computer. It seems more time than a month has passed - a lot has happened and it seems to be painful at times.

I used to have terrible growing pains when I was younger. My legs would throb and would be sensitive to touch. I never really understood why I had them - I wasn't too active and they would happen at the weirdest times, like in the middle of church or art class. To my 8-year-old self, it was a pain that was bothersome and I really didn't see the point of all that pain.

Of course now, I understand the purpose of growing pains.* A growing body means the body is changing and new things are about to happen. The outcome will always be positive - a body that is stronger and bigger than before. But until then, the growing may be painful. The past few weeks back on campus have been that way - a bit painful. I thought that once I was back on campus, this would just pick up where I left off. But I am finding that that isn't true. My friends, most of whom lived on the same floor as I did, are now scattered across campus and everyone is involved in different things. All in all, it has been difficult to stay connected.

It's been a growing pain. I'm learning that keeping connections with friends will be a continuing process and even more so, making new friends is more difficult than it was last year. It's not that I don't want to meet others, it's just difficult to get out of my comfort zone. I know that growing pains are necessary, but as many a parent will say, massaging the legs helps with the pain. What I need to do is stretch myself a bit more - stretch out my hand to meet someone new, help out an organization, and stretch myself to explore things I may have never thought of before.

Although growing pains are bothersome and complaining may help for an 8-year-old, I think it's high time for me to stretch myself up and out of what I know - there is so much more out there I have yet to learn about. My world I have created of a small group of friends can't last forever - it needs to grow, change, possibly be flipped on its head. There needs to be more of me, a big, greater, better me and isn't that the point of growing pains?

Peace!

-Nicole

*Although scientifically, growing pains are not connected to rapid, sudden growth, but for the purposes of this post, I'll just stick with the common understanding.

Sicko

"One of the most sublime experiences we can ever have is to wake up feeling healthy after we have been sick." -Rabbi Harold Kushner

Hey, it's Megan.  Hope you had a great Monday.

Well, family weekend was great and I was glad my aunt could make it up to spend it with me.  I think we both had a good time and were able to partake in activities on and off campus.  Unfortunately, I was sick the entire time.

Nicole and I have both suffered through the plague that hits campus every few weeks or so and my body hit the wall today.  I feel okay to an extent, but my throat is shot and I've been struggling with a hacking cough.  I even took off of work tonight (at the insistence of Nicole as well as my protesting throat) so I could get my homework done, relax a bit, and get to sleep early. As of writing this, I only have 15 pages left to read!  Also, I don't work until Sunday unless I pick up a shift, so now I can but more of my body's faculties towards healing up.  I think it was probably a good decision.

See, Nicole has enough sense to take time off from class and such and rest if she's sick.  Me? Not so much. Even today, I got home after class and all I could think about was how much work I have to do and how much I actually wanted to get all of it done.  Even if I was setting aside time to feel better, I wanted to instead use that time to get homework done.  My friend, Steph, eventually forced me into bed and even tucked me in.  It pays to have friends in college.  The lesson in all of this?  I clearly need to put my health higher up on the list of priorities and not always on the back burner.  Health is important--never ever forget that.  I've seen way too many people lose it or suffer with chronic conditions to not be taking better care of myself.  But, I am learning, and I am surrounded by people who are willing to force me to take care of myself, even if that's not my highest priority at the time.

So that's where I'm at.  The next time you hear from me, I will be good as new, but also perhaps a bit poorer from having had to buy so much medicine. :P

Be happy and well, but most of all, be healthy!

-Megan

Happiness lays somewhere in the future..

TODAY IS THURSDAY!
Do you know what that means? It means its KATIE DAY!

Today, I was honestly not sure where to start. I have been super stressed out the past week and have been having some major mood fluctuations. When Nicole reminded me to blog today, I honestly had no idea what I was going to talk about. Normally, we, here at DR718, talk about lessons and whatnot; but I didn't think I really had a lesson to share with you today.

The other day, I was reading my wonderful RA's blog, and she mentioned something about a 'First line generator,' and that thought fluttered into my crazy brain about ten minutes ago. So here I am, with a first line of "Happiness lays somewhere in the future.." I don't think that I will write a story with that to push me in, but  I do find it rather ironic that those specific words would appear.

A member of my high school class died of a brain aneurysm last fall, and I have been thinking about her a lot lately. Her motto was 'never give up'; and therefore that somewhat became our class motto.

Never give up.

Its somewhat powerful isn't it? You hear it all the time; but when you really think about it, it is quite the challenge. Never give up. This past week, this advice/motto has been a strong driver in keeping me doing what I want to do in life.

So today, I pass it on to you.
Never give up. 

xx Katie.

All Dogs go to Heaven

"Happiness is a warm puppy." -Charles Schulz

Greetings from Megan.  I hope your Monday was as mellow as mine.

Today is World Suicide Prevention Day and this week is National Suicide Prevention Week and I had a huge post planned for tonight, until I realized while walking back to my dorm that it's also been exactly one year since I'd lost my dog.  World Suicide Prevention Day is hugely important to me and expect that to be the topic of my post next Monday, but for now, I just want to talk about my dog.

I think the value of a pet is vastly underestimated by people who have never had one. Pepper, my Miniature Schnauzer, bopped into my life two days before my 7th birthday and departed twelve days after I had arrived at college.  Undoubtedly those 12 years contained some of the roughest experiences I've ever undergone, and I cannot count the number of nights I spent crying into her neck. If she wasn't sleeping on my brother's bed, she was sleeping on the pillow next to me. She was, quite frankly, the best friend I'd ever had, and so leaving to go to school when I knew chances were good that I would never see her again was really, really tough.

I can chuckle at it now, but when I found out she had passed away I was bawling in my dorm room, only I was trying not to since I didn't want to freak out my roommate. I don't know exactly why I did, but I told Nicole as soon as I found out--we were on Facebook chat at the time. We had known each other for a grand total of three days, and she promptly asked me if I was okay and then offered me cookies.  I probably shouldn't have put her in such an awkward position.

Pets have ways of teaching us life lessons, lessons about death and what it means to take life as it comes, to love unconditionally, and to handle suffering with grace and dignity.  A wonder that they do this all without speaking a single word.  Pepper made me appreciate life so much and she got me through my most difficult days.  Of course I wish she was still with me.  Who wouldn't want that?  But she left at a time when I knew I was moving on and going to be perfectly okay.  She did her job and believe me, she did it well.  Pets, especially dogs, are just like that I guess.  They not only provide a source of unconditional love, but they give us something to love and care for. I know it sounds crazy, but I can't believe how much I love and have bonded with our baby Betta fish, Cuddles.

If you have a pet, take a moment to be affectionate.  If you have had a pet but don't right now, remember some of the fond moments. Finally, if you don't have a pet, I recommend getting one in the future.

With all my love,

Megan

Pepper

Learn Something New

Education is an admirable thing, but it is well to remember from time to time that nothing that is worth knowing can be taught. – Oscar Wilde

Hallo! (from Bekka)

As a student, I tend to forget that there are places other than the classroom, the library, and the coffee shop. College life, especially at Wash U, is very focused on academics. And it should be. But maybe, just maybe, there are other things to learn too.

I'm taking psych stats this semester and I walked into the class thinking that it was going to be the worst class that I will ever take. Guess what! I was wrong. It actually turned into a class that I look forward to going to. What's my point? Don't judge a course by its name.

So often in life we walk into situations with the same types of feelings I had starting psych stats, but what good does that do? Expecting failure leads to failure. Sometimes the best thing to do is be open to new things.

Without having an open mind it's hard to learn anything that's worth learning.

Keep hoping!

Bekka

Don't Judge a Roommate by Their Facebook

1. Breaking mirrors is not fun, especially when it keeps cutting you.
2. Don't set yourself up for failure.
3. Keep an open mind, especially about roommates.

So, hi!

For you readers who haven't taken the wonderful adventure of reading about us writers, I'm a new freshman! YAY! I moved into my dorm yesterday at 8am, and seriously love it.

Now, moving into a dorm- for those of you haven't done it- can be super scary. I've alwasy been an only child and often have had a TON of space to myself (I had my whole basement the last three years); so moving into a small room that I have to share with a complete stranger scared me.

I found out who my roommate was in July, and, as everyone does, I totally creeped on her facebook. Instantly I judged her based solely on what her profile picture looked like. In my mind, I had already figured we wouldn't get along. So, yesterday morning as I was moving in- even though I was extremely excited- I was super scared that I wouldn't get along with my roommate.

Now, I know that even if we don't become the best of friends, I need to keep an open mind about at least living with her and definitely give her the chance the she deserves; which also happens to be the same chance she is giving me. Fair enough, right?

But, there is good news: WE ACTUALLY GET ALONG! :) crazy, right?

Don't judge a book by its cover!

-Katie! :)

How To: Transition Back Home

(Here is our summer series - How To. To keep the blog going and to give you all something to read, I'd thought we'd give you updates in a different way than normal for the summer.)

Steps:
1. Move everything back into place - make it like it was before or even improve. Make sure everything that you don't want in your room at home is stored away from view. Make yourself as comfortable as possible in your space at home.
2. Find a job or at least something to keep you busy.
3. Talk to your friends from college about the transition - tell them it's hard if it is. Just be honest. But find a balance of when to talk and what to talk about.
4. Reconnect or make new connections with friends.
5. Don't be afraid to make plans for the next year.

Ah, summer. It's a wonderful time. Right now, it's about 90 degrees out and sunny as ever. I'm excited that I can finally wear tank tops and shorts and go barefoot outside, but lately, I've been a bit down. The transition back home has been rough for me, as for many of the other writers here and many of my other friends. I've spent some nights crying, some days unwilling to get out of bed, and other days are full of energy and joy.

We spend about 8 or 9 months away from home, determining how we should live our day to day lives, having a life that our parents have no idea what it consists of, unless we tell them. I flourished while in college (read previous posts for evidence). I became closer to people than I ever have and spent nearly every moment of my life in contact with someone. Now that it's summer, it's yet another change. My best friend from high school now lives in another state and my friends who are still in high school are, well, still in high school. It was easy while classes were still session to hang out with people because they were only two steps away in their own dorm room.

In the past few weeks since classes have finished, I've discovered a few things. First, I miss a lot of people and miss them more than I have missed people before. They became a part of me and it really does feel like I've lost part of myself. Second, it's hard to find a balance of communication with people. Not only the frequency, but what we talk about. And third, time alone is hard. It just is.

So here are some solutions I hope will work. First, be comfortable. I still have some of my dorm stuff sitting in my living room (my microwave, a shelving unit, etc). And because I'm in my living room a lot, it just reminds me of people and events and such. The more stuff I put away, the easier it is to enjoy my summer. Second, keep busy. I started my job about a week and a half ago and it makes me tired as ever and keeps me busy. I don't really have time to miss people. Third, talk to people about how you're doing. And it's ok to tell them you miss them. I've found that chances are, they miss you too. But don't just talk about that - talk about what you did that day and such. Also, find a balance of communication. If you are staying up or delaying an activity to wait for them to respond, something's wrong. Focus more on other relationships. Which leads me to thing four. You had 8 months to build relationships - they can be put on slow-mo for a few months while you develop other relationships. I'm really excited for when the high schools are done because then I have more people to reconnect with. Oh and take pictures! Document your epic summer to show people when you get back to school. And the final thing is make plans for next year. Just get excited.

Yes, this transition has been hard. Yes, I've had days where all I want to do is sleep and watch movies and cry. But there are beginning to be more days where I can't wait to see my friends at work, learn new things, or start a new project. It's simply a change and this one - summer - is a good change. Soak up the sun. Enjoy life.

Peace!

-Nicole

Freshman Year

1. It's been amazing.

Well, it's done. Freshman year is completed and summer has officially begun. It's been a bit emotional but I honestly could not have asked for more. I wrote a few letters to friends before they left and nearly every single one of them said something along the lines of "This year has been the weirdest, moodiest, and craziest year yet, but it's definitely been the best." And I think everyone agrees (see Megan's post here and on her personal blog and my friend Meg's post). When I started this year, I didn't expect it to go the way it did. Of course, the way it turned out isn't terrible or bad in the least bit - it has been the best. I became someone I didn't know was inside of me. I created relationships that are deeper than I could ever imagine (or anyone could imagine I think). I tried things I would have never dared to do. Now, looking back at it, I honestly could have not asked for more.

I would do a sappy post with a ton of pictures and emotional-ridden stories, but I feel like this whole blog is just that. The only thing I can say is...

Thanks for reading. It's been wonderful. And there will only be more shenanigans to come.

Until next time,

Nicole

How Do You Measure?

1. Speak up.
2. Migraines aren't fun.
3. Don't take lofts down by yourself, but if you do, you're gonna have some epic bruises.
4. Take time to reflect on the times life has been good to you.

Oh my gosh!  Megan here... It's the last Wednesday of the year, so you'll probably be hearing a lot less from me.  I'll post some over summer, but I think we're going off the usual schedule.

This week has been so strange.  I've been emotional almost the entire week, and can't seem to get over the fact that freshman year is almost over.  I'm taking a break from studying as I have 2 exams on Friday that I'm a little nervous about.  When you mix the stress of finals with packing and having to understand that you won't see the people you've lived with, laughed with, studied with, cried with, learned with, for the next four months...  It feels a little overwhelming.  I go into my emotions a little bit more on my other blog.

I think it goes without saying that I've been doing way too much reflecting and thinking and feeling this past week about the year and the future...  It was inevitable.  I just feel so rushed with finals that there's little time to relax, have fun, and celebrate the year.

You know, the first movie night of many in my dorm was when Melissa and Nicole came over and we watched Rent--since I had never seen it before.  I think Nicole and I stayed up late and woke up early just talking about anything and everything.  It's kind of my first really happy, really groundbreaking memory of college that let me know this year was going to be something special.  Since then, I've listened to the Rent soundtrack way too many times, especially over Christmas break.  I almost have all of "La Vie Boheme" memorized I think, but the song that really gets to me is "Seasons of Love."  It gets me--and Sally--every time.  The song pretty much asks the question, "How do you measure a year?"  So... here are some ways in which I will measure my freshman year in college, all with the fondest of memories:
 

Tumblr posts

Facebook statuses

Dollars spent

Facebook events attended

Miles traveled

Ticket stubs

Movies watched

Cups of tea

Blog posts

Papers written

Hugs

Stories told

Times I laughed 'til I cried

Letters written

Text messages sent

Hours I should have been sleeping

Hours spent talking

Exams taken

Loads of laundry done

New facebook friends

Phone calls home

Photos taken

Meals in DS

Times I’ve redyed my hair

Times I wanted to cry

Times I felt overwhelmed

Times I felt loved

And last but not least, times I realized that I was where I was meant to be.

It has been such a wonderful year, and while it was honestly the most stressful and difficult I've had, it's also been the greatest.  Nicole thinks this post is cheesy.  I say it's nostalgic.

All of my love,

-Megan

  

Stigma

1. Sometimes research is depressing.
2. Always remember that professors are people too.
3. Take a nap.
4. You have more control than you think.

Megan here.  It's the week before finals and we're all freaking out a little bit.  Life is crazy.

I grumble a lot about some of my classes, my sociology class in particular as of late.  It's just been a pain in my side and it shows no signs of slowing down.  I have two papers due on Monday... The thing is my professor can be a bit insensitive and well... a typical male.  His big thing is basketball, but for all I have against the guy, he really says some insightful things when he gets on a rant.  They just tend to stick in my head for a little while as I go on with the rest of my day.

Today we talked about deviance and stigmas, sanctions, norms, etc... What is deviant in society is set by those in power.  The only problem is that we're often the ones with that power.  We enforce the social norms by inflicting sanctions on those we label as deviant--even if that deviance isn't hurting anyone or anything.  My professor made the comment, "We have to remember that society lives in our heads."

I'm not quite sure what was so earth shattering about that, I mean, I guess I'm not too deviant, or wouldn't be marked as such by society.  Sure, my blue hair was a bit of a shock to my grandparents, but they got over it I think.  It's just that sometimes we listen too much to the influences around us and maybe lose sight of who we are, or who we felt we were.

There's this concept of labeling theory that says that once you label someone as something, they begin to see themselves as fitting that label.  If you label someone as a criminal, they feel that's the only label that fits and essentially they go along with it and play the part.  I'm just thinking about my own life in which I was fine in one area, happy as being one thing, until that one thing was rejected by those I trusted most.  Maybe it's natural to enforce or fight for what we feel as normal, a result of subconscious action even, but when that subconscious action interferes with individuality, that's when we need to reexamine what we value as a society.

Don't let society live in your head, at least don't let it smother what makes you you and what makes you happy.  Fight back, and resist the pressure and temptation to fit into certain groups or certain circles.  Do what makes you happy, as long as you're not causing harm or detriment to someone else.  You really do have more control than you think, and maybe if we all put forth a little effort to resist useless societal sanctions and norms, we'll start seeing some positive changes.

Be safe, be well, be happy. All my love,

-Megan

Releasing my Inner Child

1. Cut people some slack.  No one's perfect.
2. Keep some hummus around.
3. Some people don't like hugs, and that's okay.
4. It's okay to sleep with a teddy bear.

It's Megan.  Hope your week is going smoothly. At least it's almost the weekend right?

Woah.  I turn 20 in less than three months and I am TOTALLY freaking out about it.  It isn't so much added responsibility or massive lifestyle change as it is the number itself. 20.  That zero and absence of a one in the ten's place is just way too freaky.  At least agree with me that it's a really intimidating number.

I feel like a little kid again, just because I feel like I've regressed to a much younger state of mind.  College changes you to be more mature, but also more immature--not in bad ways, but just ways that remind you of when you were a little kid.

For example:
I get really excited over mac and cheese, french toast sticks, and hot cocoa.
I go nuts for candy and cartoons.
Hugs make everything better.
I lapse into random goofy spells
and...
I slept with a teddy bear.

You don't understand!  I slept with a teddy bear over break, not because I had to or because one was just there, but because I wanted to and it made me feel better.  I never slept with stuffed animals when I was a child, not because I didn't have any, but because I just didn't like to sleep with them.  I really didn't see the appeal at all.  In my defense, I slept with my dog a lot--but that's more like a living stuffed animal that gets really warm, starts panting, and then moves to another corner of the bed because she wants nothing to do with you...  I'm just surprised at how comforting a teddy bear can be, even at my age.

I don't know if this whole regression thing is a product of college or not, but I don't see it as bad, things like being goofy don't hurt anyone or anything. If anything, I'm staying young at heart right?  We all adore elderly folks who know how to have a good time or who can understand the mindset of a child and so maybe that's what I'm doing.  Heck, I hope I'm still breaking into random accents when I'm 85.  I will embarrass my grandkids SO much!

This year has allowed me to grow leaps and bounds as a person, both through personal insights and education.  I think it's okay for me (and all of us) to be able to laugh and access our inner children as well.

Peace, love, hugs, and high fives

-Megan

I Just Assumed...

1. 11:47 is not 11:11.  You're just tired and can't see straight.
2. Forget about the ghost until after you register for rooms.
3. Not all celebrity look-a-likes are favorable.
4. Make justified assumptions.

Hey, It's Megan.  'Appy Wednesday!

People make assumptions.  It's completely normal, and  it can be an effective shortcut for the mind to process information.  In some ways, it's downright rational.  It was rational for me to assume I'd have a quiz in Sociology this morning--which we did--based on how my professor runs the class etc.

A few days ago, I was having a conversation with a friend via text message and some weird little thing came up about how I hadn't told my parents something, and my friend's reply was "I know, I just assumed you had."  I was immediately struck by the scope and gravity of that assumption which wasn't really justified by any previous information.  In this case it had no negative consequences whatsoever, but assumptions sometimes do lead to ramifications.  I cannot tell you how many times I have acted on assumptions that later proved false and suffered the consequences.  I regret quite a few of them actually.

Like I said, we assume things all the time.  We assume it's going to be a bad day, that the test will be difficult, that someone will be offended if I ask this, that so-and-so will react in a certain way, or that one particular event is the reason so-and-so is upset.  We assume everyone in the same room subscribes to the same ideology or has the same values, or even desires the same outcomes in the future.  Sometimes it's downright painful and frustrating to be at the end of one of those false assumptions.

So I want to know when we got to the point where we assume everything and then change our thoughts and behavior based on acquired data that proves those assumptions false?  Why can't we go back to a system where we act on only what we know and where we feel comfortable enough to just ask about what we don't.  What's with all this walking on eggshells?

So my point is this, assumptions are not necessarily good or bad, but try to keep your assumptions informed, rational, and justified.  Be aware that your assumptions about other people's opinions or lifestyle may be false and capable of having negative affects.  Furthermore, own up to those assumptions.  Just be aware of yourself and how you affect other people.  I say that time and time again, but it's true and necessary. :P  On the other hand, resolve not to take everything as a personal attack.  Realize that it is perfectly okay to shrug it off, laugh it off, and understand that people very rarely have ill intentions.

Hope everyone has a great week, I should have my wonderful laptop back in my possession by then!

-Megan