Proving It To Myself

I broke down crying in the library last night. The hours previous had been great - dinner and pie with some friends, productivity with homework, beautiful weather - but I found it all to be proof of what I lack. With my hair as a shield from passing stares, I cried about having no one who cares, no one who checks in on my well being, about how unmotivated I was feeling.

As I was journaling last night, my main thing was about how I am not "on the front line" important in anyone's life. As of late, I have been waiting for life to prove me wrong, instead of doing what I was taught to do and prove those thoughts wrong myself.

After I got back from the library, I finally figured out what was the truth and what was my head getting the best of me. I do have friends and I know that I am important in people's lives, even if they haven't told me directly. And I do have people check in on me, but the thing is, I have to do the same. If I am sitting in my room or hiding in the library, how are people supposed to connect with me?

Yes, I did have to start over on making friends and had to seriously re-connect with people, but because I lost one of the most important relationships in my life, does not mean I have no value in anyone else's life. And that is what I have to tell myself over and over again. I do have value and it isn't the world's job to prove it to me. I have to prove it myself.

Peace!

-Nicole

Change, People, and Self

Welcome back to Dorm Room 718! It is now junior year and goodness, have the changes been great. I am no longer a theatre major and am instead a psychology major. I have added two more minors besides Spanish (religion and women's studies). Speaking of that Spanish minor, I will be in Spain this coming Spring for a study away program. I've had two different summer jobs, both working with children. I now live in an apartment with my freshman floor-mate Melissa. My niece and nephew are no longer babies, but instead toddlers. I hold two jobs and am involved in multiple on-campus clubs. Change is good, but sometimes it looks a bit different than expected.

I've always thought of myself as innocent and positive. Sometimes it had a bad connotation and sometimes it was a fabulous descriptor. No matter what meaning it held, I still thought of myself as innocent. Someone close to my heart told me last night that recently, they had failed to see that innocence and that I've become almost... cynical. They have missed the part of me that saw the best in people and if I did see something no so favorable, I didn't focus on it or bring it up. The more I thought about their words, the more it seemed to ring true. Yes, I have started to fail to see the good in people and I immediately believe the bad. The cause and root of this, though, I cannot seem to figure out.

My last year has been an odd one. I have said before I strive to be the one who is always growing in who she is. It seems I have not been able to say that in the last year. Important relationships have changed and become strained and my summer job as a camp counselor has challenged how I interact with people and life situations. I have discovered my limitations and shortcomings instead of my strengths. This isn't to say finding out such limitations and shortcomings is a terrible thing, but it is a bit of a downer after a long period of time.

Maybe that's it. Maybe I have failed to see the good in myself, which causes me to skip over the good in others. I have always said I'm a people-person and I thrive off of human interaction. Rather than thrive, I seem to diminish in who I am. I am still not sure what will remedy this undesirable change and maybe all I need is time, but it can't but help my situation if I actively search out a solution.

Until next,

peace.

-Nicole

Peace Be With You

I have been feeling stressed lately, more than I have felt in a while. The stressors I'm experiencing aren't ones that quickly pass through - they build and require some stamina. My body has been showing signs of it - some weight loss, breaking out, sore throat, sore legs, and emotional exhaustion. I can't help but wish to disengage and hope everything will pass (which of course, will not be helpful). I have been trying to figure out what I need to get through it all. Support, rest, and most of all, peace.

When I started this blog, I ended my first post with "Peace!" because I had no idea how to end a post. But as time has passed, I'm glad I finished that first post with such a word. It has come to represent so much in my life. Peace is what I have discovered is most helpful in stressful situations. In my class on Buddhism, it was one of the main focuses - to center myself and find peace within me. I have discovered peace is best when found in myself. It is true and honest to me and I know it stems from something I believe in, although I may never find what that is. I guess one could call it my "true self" but to me, I am always changing. The one thing that stays constant is peace found within myself.

Life has been loud lately. The political ads, the campaign calls, and the debates between everyone. Being on a campus where politics is pretty central, it gets extremely loud. I loved participating in the politics and developing my own voice, but right now, I'm glad to have some silence and most of all, peace. Maybe that is what will connect us all in the end - peace. The idea of peace everyone agrees about. Conflict may be necessary, but what is the point of conflict if there is no goal of peace?

Today, I am going to find peace in me. I am going to see peace in others and find some common ground. I believe we all have it - we just need to see it once again.

Peace.

-Nicole

Family Ties

1. Pumpkin pie is a God-send.

2. Black Friday isn't all bad.

3. 2-year-olds are hard to keep up with.

4. Blood is thicker than water.

Happy Thanksgiving! I hope your Thanksgiving was full of food and love. I am currently sitting in the car, on my way home. I had Thanksgiving dinner at my sister's then spent today shopping with my aunt and cousins. It was a fantastic break from college and it was also an adventure - a good, but slightly scary one.

I met my sister this August. I grew up an only child, being raised by my mom. I always wanted a sister; the closest thing I had was a family friend, but even then we weren't close. I've had a few people who I've been close with and have called them a soul-sister, but I don't know what having a sister or even a sibling really means.

Just before my mom and I were going to leave Ashly's house, Ashly's stepdad said to me, "It's crazy how much you and Ashly look alike." This took me aback. I know Ashly and I looked alike, but I've lived my whole life not looking like anyone. Sure, I've looked like friends and cousins, but we always grew out of looking alike. People have always told me I looked like my mom, but you are supposed to look like your parents. But now, I show people a picture of Ashly and I and they know we are sisters without me telling them.

Ashly and I grew up in very different situations, to say the least. I grew up in a city; she in a small town. I was raised by my mom; she was raised by her mom and stepdad. She had younger sister; I was an only child. Not to mention, I am nine years younger than her and she is married and has a two-year-old boy. We are quite different, but something connects us.

I look at my nephew, who's two, and it's hard for me to think we share the same blood. It's even weirder to look at Ashly and know we share the same DNA - we are genetically linked, not just linked at the heart. Whenever I am with her, I see myself. We are both OCD about organization and we both love old things - something that I never knew where it came from in me. My mom doesn't really have these qualities and I always thought it was something I had learned, not inherited from my dad.

Family can include more people than just who you share DNA with, but something has to be said for sharing a genetic code. I am just learning what having a sister really means. I don't know much about who Ashly is, but from the three times I've been with her, I already feel a pull at the heart when I'm with her. I've felt a connection at the heart with people, but this is new. It's different. For most people, this connection is nothing new, even sometimes frustrating. But for someone who is experiencing this for the first time as an 18-year-old, it's amazing. And I love it. It hits a part in me I never knew I had - it's that automatic connection that isn't based off of interests or personality. It's the simple fact we look alike and have the same blood.

Be grateful for your family, no matter how messed up or crazy it is. You share more than memories. Your family is who made you who you are - not how they raised you, but because of the millions of years of people before you created your specific genetic code that is your personality and appearance. And that's a miracle.

Peace!

-Nicole

Laughing and Tackling

1. Study...it might help.

2. Don't be afraid to be yourself, but try not to tackle people while doing so.

3. Enjoy laughter.

4. You will find some darn amazing friends.

So, over a week since orientation finished. Classes started and I added a ton of stuff to my calendar. I auditioned for a play, but didn't make the cut. Suddenly feeling not so confident about my major, which I am slightly frustrated about, but I'm ok with. And I think I finally found my studying groove.

Mostly, the past week has been full of laughter. There has been so much laughter I think I lost a few pounds from doing so. I have become closer to the people in my orientation group, my roommate, and I found someone amazing on my floor, who in turn has introduced me to someone I am very intrigue by.

Throughout high school, and especially in my senior year, all I wanted was a friend. A friend who I could trust and simply be myself with. High school didn't provide me with that. I have no idea why. It could have been I had previously been friends with everyone and there was no one left to 'try out'. It could have been I was too shy and awkward to find a friend. It also could have been everyone just wanted out of high school so no one tried. It could have been various different things, but either way, all I wanted was a friend who was my 'other half'. 

I am not quite sure I found that person yet, but I do know I found someone who I can simply be myself with. Someone who laughs at the same things and someone who is still slightly different from me, so that I can learn and grow. Whenever we are together, I can't help but laugh and be myself. I can't help but talk. For those who didn't know me before college, I was painfully shy. Angry at being so. Frustrated with how people treated me (or didn't).

I don't believe college was the reason I suddenly changed. I was this person all along. I just didn't show her sometimes. Now I am her all the time, which is amazing. I am now running down the hallway and full-on tackling someone I sort of just met. (I truly didn't mean to. It just happened.)

I am full of laughter and I love it. I met someone who I can be myself and I also met someone who I very very very curious about. She isn't someone I have figure out, but someone who I truly want to get to know more.

And it just isn't her I want to know. It is everyone I have met. I feel surrounded by people I want to learn from and laugh with.

I love my life.

Peace!

-Nicole Rae