My Anxiety's Dismay & My Complete Joy

I just ate so much food. Two plates of Mongolian grill and then a very large bowl of frozen yogurt. Orientation Core 1 made a huge mess of our table (nearing 20 empty plates with 9 of us) and were the loudest people in the whole place, receiving many glares of disdain. I probably used up more gas than I should have to go eat. However, the laughter, the pure joy, and the lessons I got out of the evening were so worth the stomach discomfort and the use of gas.

In the car on the way to get some fro-yo.

As I have mentioned before, this past year has been the hardest year of my life. I lost a lot and felt broken beyond repair; my social anxiety, along with the adjustment back, got the best of me. I was petrified of how senior year would go. I was scared that I would have absolutely no friends, that I would be utterly rejected by a lot of people (and for good reason), and that I would have to muck through my last year in undergrad by myself.

Much to my anxiety's dismay and my complete joy, those predictions I told myself have not come true. Relationships with old friends have been rekindled, even if it was (and continues to be) tough to do. I have made new friends in people I have admired for a good while and I have found a group of people via Orientation who I enjoy being with and who truly give me life. Not to mention, I have a group of first years who I admire for their excitement about starting a new chapter in life.

These past two weeks or so have been a lesson for me: no matter the past or what heartache and anxiety I bring, it is possible to find a new place in old situations. I know Concordia, but I have found a new place to stand in it and more people to stand with. And that is very awesome.

So here is my thanks to all who have been with me the last two weeks in any capacity - even if the only interaction we had was an introduction: I appreciate you all and I hope you know how important you are to me. I truly admire each of you and I hope that there will be more opportunities for my appreciation and admiration to grow. Thank you.

Peace.

-Nicole

Life-Giving

At Concordia, all of the first-year students go through orientation a couple of days before the first day of classes. And at Concordia, orientation is taken very seriously. My orientation experience freshman year was fabulous; it was exhausting, as my first blog posts pointed out, but a great experience. I felt at home and I learned so much about myself and who I wanted to be in college (hence, the blog).

Preparing for Orientation: Round 2 has proved to me yet again the changing experience it can be - for anyone involved. We started training today and I have gained more bruises today than I had all summer from the games we played and I have lost a few pounds from how much I have laughed because of it. I'm doing what I love and I feel like I know what I'm doing, but I know I have a lot to learn and I'm going to learn it. It, as my mother would say, is "living-giving". (Gosh Mom. Your little catch phrases are coming in handy lately.)

As I get older and especially as I enter my final year of undergrad, I am beginning to notice more and more about my reactions and emotions I have when I am in a certain group. There are things that feel like work but then there are those things - like orientation, speech, and theatre - that give so much life to me that I cannot fathom a life without experiences like this.

My last blog post pointed out that doing something life-giving is what I need in my life. And although I have no idea what my career will be or what my plan is for after I graduate in May, days like this prove to me how much my life journey needs these experiences.

Peace!

-Nicole

The Rest of the Story

1. Unplug yourself from technology during stressful times - it may increase your productivity.
2. Wear comfortable clothes during finals - you'll be happy you did.
3. Puppy love is the best.
4. The rest of the story has to be written.

Day one of finals week: Complete. Tomorrow is our last day of classes and then Wednesday-Friday are finals. It is getting to be crunch time - well, it has been crunch time for quite a while, but now everyone is feeling it. Most people can't wait for the semester to be over, but for me, it's bittersweet.

If I go back to back to August 28th, I was feeling so anxious and excited.

"Move-in day" me

I had no idea what was coming but I was ok with it. I was so excited to start a new chapter in my life - heck, I waited years for that moment to come. I was as ready as I could be. I situated myself into my room and went to orientation.

My club - see me in the middle, poking my head out?

I loved orientation. It prepared me for what I didn't know what I needed to be prepared for. I loved my orientation group and I would be spending the rest of the semester in class with them. This picture was taken one of the last days of orientation, little to my knowledge that this was my first college family. I love each and every one of them like a sibling and they are so dear to me.

Crazy how even now it represents all of our personalities (I'm center in the back row, choking my friend)

Then life became very bizarre...which is when I started this blog. I thought I would have a strict schedule and I thought I would act just as I had before, just without as much anxiety as before. I never expected for this to happen. Every day brings something new and I mean new. I never know what to expect. Sometimes I wish for consistency, but most of the time, I love the craziness. And I've done some crazy things. Heck, Megan jokes that I now have a reputation. I am the "pink-haired, bubbly, loud, emotional, girl-with-the-ideas, theatrical, cute-clothes-wearing, Harry Potter and Doctor Who fan, touchy-feely, organized, army-building" girl. Ok, so maybe most of that stuff isn't included in my reputation, but my friends sure do know about all of it.

I've changed so much. I think of when I've gone to camp or mission trips in years past and come back suddenly and abruptly changed. It's all good, but that change often doesn't last long. It's that mountaintop experience, where you feel so emotionally high and then you back to reality and that mountaintop experience was too short to really learn from that experience. For a while, I felt like college was like that. Orientation felt like camp: everything was planned out and I was in a specific group. It felt like a mountaintop experience.

But now I have started to live on that mountaintop. And I've made friends. I became friends with Melissa who accepted me for who I was instantly and allowed me to be me fully for the first time in a long time. She introduced me to Megan, who I have become connected to at the heart. I've also met Sally, Stef, Erin, and so many other people who have started to camp with me onto of that mountain with me.

Throughout my classes, I've learned to look up, instead of looking down from my position on the mountain. Little did I know that there are other mountains to climb where I could experience more mountaintop experiences. Before, I've always been looking down to see where I've been and to see how far I've gone. I'd been waiting for college for so that I didn't remember to keep on looking farther up. There is so much more waiting for me to climb. And I'm not discouraged by it...these aren't goals set by other people; I choose what one to climb. If I don't like it, all I have to do is switch to another.

I've been living on this mountain for a while and it's become semi-comfortable. As the semester ends, I can't help but think I am ready for the semester to end. But maybe I'm not. I love how everything about college is still new to me. But as these last few weeks have passed, things are becoming not-so-new, like when to eat dinner to avoid the dinner rush, the best places to study, when to get the best shower in the bathroom, or how long it takes to walk to class.

I'm also slightly sad because I will have to home for about a month. The concept of home has completely changed in my mind. Home has always been at my house; now it's mainly my dorm. When I spent mid-sem and Thanksgiving at my house, all I wanted after a few days was to go back my dorm. My college family was there and I missed seeing them. Yes, I do miss my house and my mother, but I was ready to move out when I came to college. I'm not ready to say goodbye to my friends, even if it is only for a month.

The end of the semester doesn't mean huge changes are in store. It just means that the beginning has ended...now it's time for the rest of the story to start. And I can't wait to see what crazy things are going happen.

It's going to be quite the adventure and quite a beautiful mess. 

Good luck on finals and whatever else is going on in your life.

Peace!

-Nicole

Beanie Snatcher!

Last day of orientation and here is what I have learned so far today:

1. Again, always remember there is a ceiling only four inches from your face.
2. Beware of beanie snatchers.
3. Remain calm.

My beanie chilling on my closet door so I don't forget it!

For those who don't know Concordia's tradition, all freshmen are required to wear a beanie during orientation (see above). And students from MSUM, our rival, steal these precious beanies from us helpless freshmen.

Today is the last day of orientation and those Dragons are at it today. It is currently around 5:30 and my beanie has not been stolen (as you can see by my picture). But I have also discovered something.

Remain calm and life will be just a bit better. Stuff happens, but if you panic you will not get where you want to be. Sure, one can mourn the loss of the beanie, but it can be replaced. This doesn't just apply to beanie snatchers, but pretty much to everything in life.

So, funky weird things happen. You can be sad, a bit angry, frustrated, but just don't panic. Just look on the bright side of things: you now have a story to tell and people probably are interested to hear about it.

Peace!

-Nicole

PS I get to meet the president of the college in about an hour. Not only do I get to meet him and his wife, I get ice cream that I hear is quite good. :)

That Gut Feeling

Today was quite the adventure, as I am sure it will always be. Woke up at 6:45am, did some orientation stuff, then had a book discussion on Zoli by Colum McCann. It was such a tiring day, but I did learn quite a few things.

1. Never forget your bed is lofted when getting up.

2. Naps, no matter how short, are a blessing.
3. Try not to slam your finger in the door. Ouch.

4. Stick to your gut feeling.

I climbed into bed tonight thinking about the night I just had. My orientation group went to our leader's apartment on campus to have our book discussion. The discussion was fantastic and we had a great game of Apples to Apples while enjoying root beer floats.

We were all about to leave, then one of us made the comment that if someone were to come into the room at that moment, one would think beer was being passed around because we were having our ROOT beer floats in plastic cups. So we took a picture of all of us with our cups. We laughed and I promised to post it on Facebook once I got back to my dorm. I got back to my dorm, posted it, tagged everyone and went to bed.

But I couldn't fall asleep. I climbed out of my bed, realizing I had made a small step towards who I didn't want to be. It was a fantastic evening and I couldn't have asked for a better orientation experience. But my gut was telling me someone was not right. I still have my confirmation girls who look up to me, along with tons of other kids who are watching my every move, especially what I post on my Facebook. The photo is funny but unless you were one of the people attending the evening, it may come across the wrong way. Plus it wasn't me nor who I wanted be.

So one of the first lessons of college: stick to your gut feeling.

Peace!

-Nicole