Cry

1. Study for a test because then the test might take you half the time allotted.

2. Re-read your favorite book.

3. Packing for a trip is difficult.

4. Crying isn't such a bad thing.

I have cried so much in the past few days - it's slightly insane. It's quite embarrassing, actually.

And I'm not talking about sad tears (we'll get to that later); most of them have been out of pure joy. On Monday, at 5:31pm, my sister Ashly gave birth to my new niece Presley. I wasn't able to be there, but I got plenty of pictures and messages about it. If you don't know my story, let me give you some background: I grew up an only child, but then last summer, shortly after my 18th birthday, my mom told me I had a half sister on my dad's side. She is 9 years older than I am and at that time, had a 2 year old son named Cash. Let's just say it was quite the shock and then it turns out she was pregnant with another. It's been a whirlwind experience.

So then Monday comes along. Shortly after Presley was born, I got a text from Ashly: Presley Kay 9lbs 9oz 21 1/2 inches long along with a picture. I was just about to head to dinner with Megan and the rest of the crew when I got the text; it was instant tears. For me, happy tears is a new thing. I don't believe I have ever felt so overjoyed to hear anything in my life. It's almost like you are joy, not just feeling it. Then my mom sent me a text saying, "Just think, she's got your blood!" Now that sent me into another round of tears. For most of my life, I have never had anything so little share so much of who I am. Not to mention, this meant I would be in her life until the day I died. I'm going to see her grow up, I'll teach her crazy things - I am forever in her life, her little amazing life.

Presley Kay

Later on that night, I was chilling in my room, trying to finish a speech. I had pretty much stopped crying (I did cry when I saw a picture of Presley's feet) and was trying to finish what I needed so I could go to bed. I was feeling slightly anxious because a few of my friends were hanging out together and I felt slightly rejected and I had spent part of my night at play rehearsal, which was pretty rough. Megan gave me a quick hug before she headed back to her dorm and as soon as the door shut, I start to cry again - this time with sadness and anger and utter fear. I was so terrified - by everything. I wasn't afraid of something happening, but I was just afraid of it all. It was a feeling of utter drowning and being lost. I was eventually pulled up and found, but for a while, I was a pile of emotion.

I don't think I've cried like that since last summer - both the happy and sad crying. Although I hated some of the feelings, I'm glad. The release of emotions reminded me of who I am - what my joys and fears are and who I want to depend on.

Crying shows us at our highest and lowest moments. It gives us the release we need and it allows us to keep on moving. Sometimes we get so stuck and we need to be freed. And maybe we get stuck in a good place, but here's the catch: we're stuck. We can't move on and experience more.

Sometimes we just need to cry.

Peace!

-Nicole

Trust In Life

1. Vanilla tea is wonderful at 8am, especially if it is caffeinated.
2. Re-discover old favorite songs.
3. A class in all Spanish (or any second language) is slightly terrifying.
4. Trust in life.

Yesterday was the first day of classes and to tell the truth, it was rough for me. I loved my classes (psychology and Spanish), but something got to me and I had an anxiety attack. Because of the type of anxiety I have (social anxiety), I tend to shut everyone out. Only when does someone directly ask me if I am having issues with anxiety do I tell them; other than that, I shut down. Anxiety attacks also bring a huge feeling of dread and utter panic.

While anxiety attacks are on the far end of the worry scale, I think everyone has these tendencies at times. Life seems to get to be too much for us to handle - we have a paper due, a test, and a huge audition on one day. It feels like too much and we shut down. It feels like we are all alone and no one needs to experience it with us.

Last night taught me something: trust in what life has to offer - including people. I know I have made friends who will stick with me no matter what, but I forgot it and allowed my anxiety to take control and whisper lies. Life wants to be kind to you and I fully believe that. Life sucks at times, but you have to allow good things to happen to you and for me, sometimes those good things are happening, but I don't see it, or I don't want to see it.

There is so much good in life. Everything is beautiful, even if it is a mess. Don't allow yourself to shut down during times of trouble - allow people to catch you and look for the beauty - even if the only beauty you see is a tear falling on someone's face or a snowflake caught on your eyelash.

Life is beautiful. Trust it.

Peace!

-Nicole

Nervous

1. Let someone hack your computer or smart phone. It's interesting to see what they do.
2. Don't let anyone who you don't trust hack your computer or phone.
3. It really is quiet on campus with all the choir kids gone.
4. Don't let nerves get the best of you.

Last night, I had a meeting at my church for a trip I am taking next summer. When I got back to my dorm, I found I had a new text message from Megan: "hey, wanna help me with my speech?" Unlike me, Megan has terrible stage-fright and today, she had an eight-minute speech to present to her oral communications class. We ended up spending about two hours practicing, critiquing, and fixing her speech.

When I ran into Megan this morning at breakfast, she was riddled fear and nerves. Her leg was twitching, her fingers were tapping on the table, and her eyes were darting every-which way. "Megan, what's wrong?" She then looked up at me and said something along the lines that she just wanted it to be over. I found this whole situation to be a bit funny - all that she was doing was giving a speech to her friends on a topic she was passionate about. What was there to be nervous about?

I guess I am coming from the perspective of a person who has spent the last seven years performing on stage and competing. But I wasn't always this way...I used to be scared of even talking with people. I was afraid I was going to stumble over words, then people wouldn't understand me and then I wouldn't be able to get anywhere. I now know this is completely untrue - I was going to stumble, but all I needed to do was start again and not worry too much about my mess up.

Whenever I help someone with a speech or performance (or even when I practice things), they react to their mess-up by either making a funny noise, cussing, or letting their shoulders slump. This does not help with the nerves...it only perpetuates it.

Nerves aren't just present in speeches...they're present in life. Right now, I am heading into finals week. I only have one final, but that's Spanish and I'm not ready at all. I also have a ton of projects to do (a scale-model of a set, a lighting design, a final paper, a revision of a paper, another final paper, and a Spanish oral exam). There is a lot for me to be nervous about. If I don't use my time wisely, I am afraid I won't do well in the class.

But letting myself be nervous about it all won't help. Like Megan has said before on a this post, you have plunge yourself into your work. Nerves get you no where - all it does is take up your time and create a mess of problems you don't need.

Don't let nerves get the best of you.

Peace!

-Nicole

Beanie Snatcher!

Last day of orientation and here is what I have learned so far today:

1. Again, always remember there is a ceiling only four inches from your face.
2. Beware of beanie snatchers.
3. Remain calm.

My beanie chilling on my closet door so I don't forget it!

For those who don't know Concordia's tradition, all freshmen are required to wear a beanie during orientation (see above). And students from MSUM, our rival, steal these precious beanies from us helpless freshmen.

Today is the last day of orientation and those Dragons are at it today. It is currently around 5:30 and my beanie has not been stolen (as you can see by my picture). But I have also discovered something.

Remain calm and life will be just a bit better. Stuff happens, but if you panic you will not get where you want to be. Sure, one can mourn the loss of the beanie, but it can be replaced. This doesn't just apply to beanie snatchers, but pretty much to everything in life.

So, funky weird things happen. You can be sad, a bit angry, frustrated, but just don't panic. Just look on the bright side of things: you now have a story to tell and people probably are interested to hear about it.

Peace!

-Nicole

PS I get to meet the president of the college in about an hour. Not only do I get to meet him and his wife, I get ice cream that I hear is quite good. :)