Meaningful Adventure

I sat in my closet for two hours today. I got home from a decently good day, put sweatpants on, along with my infamous kitty sweater, and then crawled into my closet. I cannot tell you why; it's just been that sort of life as of late.

I certainly have been feeling off for a while. It's the type of feeling that makes my bed more appealing than the world outside of my room, where the worst that could happen is falling off the bed or my computer dying. It's the feeling that seems to come out of no where.

I have a lot to be angry, sad, and scared about. I have relationships to mourn, to repair, and a lot to make; I have to mourn the loss of a country and a life there, plus I am still walking the path of bereavement with the passing of my dad. I have a slough of other things on my list of "Anger, Sadness, and Terror" that may or may not bring me healing if I were to list them all.

No matter what that list contains, I catch myself saying, "Adventure awaits". However, this time, I have to add something to that saying: "Meaningful adventure awaits." As I was sitting in my closet today, staring up into my shirts, I realized I have lacked meaning in my life. I have many a story to tell you of the great adventures I have had this summer; not many have given much meaning to my life. They are still worth telling - they are a part of my life story. But right now, maybe what I need to get this feeling of not wanting to leave my room is to find something meaningful to do. Maybe I need to find something life-giving that is an adventure at the same time.

Life is terrifying and tough, especially when my list of "Anger, Sadness, and Terror" is as long as it is. But adventure awaits me and maybe life won't be so terrifying with some meaningful adventure in my life.

Paz.

-Nicole

Disconnected

I rode a horse for the first time on Saturday and I took a total of three photos. (Did I mention it was on a beach?) I didn’t take that many photos partly because I was afraid of dropping my phone and directing my horse where I didn’t want it to go, but mostly, it was because I didn’t feel it necessary to message anyone or send anyone a photo. Everyone I would want to message was with me or I knew wouldn’t get the message until much later, so, I just save the few photos I took and kept on riding.

I never thought of myself as technology addicted or even remotely close to it. I had gone on so many trips where a cell phone wasn’t permitted and I had done fine. Once I got here, though, I discovered just how connected I am. Granted, the first few weeks here were rough and did require communicating with people back home. But, even though I was more comfortable weeks later, my level of communication stayed the same. I soon discovered how little I was experiencing when my phone was in my hand at all times. I was constantly check my BlackBerry for messages from home, from friends here in Spain, for anything.

I told myself when I was on the plane here that I would come back with so many stories. The first few weeks in, though, I felt like I had absolutely none. I was always jealous of those people who could tell story after story and never run out. I have discovered that it isn’t because they live such an extravagant, crazy life (well, maybe just a little); it is because they live in the moment and no one, except for the people who were present, knows what comes next. No one saw the live-feed of what was happening on Facebook, no one got text message after text message of what was being said and thought. The story is new, except for the storyteller. That’s why it’s so exciting - because everyone anticipates the next part and the storyteller is often telling it for the first time.

Maybe it took adjusting to Spanish time, where no time is set in stone and plans are made in the moment, or maybe it was forcing myself to put my phone away and not allowing myself to check it every few minutes, but let me tell you, I have so many stories to tell now that I’ve disconnected  a bit.

Peace!

-Nicole

Photo #1

Photo #2 (turns out they were pretty much the same)

Photo #3: My horse Andalus

Stories

I am currently writing from the Maize, the burger-joint we have here on campus, enjoying a strawberry banana smoothie. In about an hour, I will be entertained by George Watsky. I know Watsky mainly from his slam poetry, which is powerful, emotional, and funny. Slam poetry has a ton of variations, but it almost always revolves around a story and the stories are often very powerful and ridden with emotion.

My classes this semester seem to be about stories. In my religion class that focuses on interfaith, stories is what makes connections and builds bridges. Stories make people real and it puts a face on things. Psychology statistics often uses in-depth examples of people. My cognitive psychology focuses a lot on memory and what enhances it; stories help in remembering the information and one often pays attention to a story over a lecture. Finally, on the first day of my classical mythology class the professor said, "Things are best told through stories." I think he meant it in terms of mythology, but it got me thinking.

Our life is a story - we are writing it every day and we are the main character. But we also are the supporting character in someone else's life story. Heck, we might even be the antagonist. Our actions dictate what role we take up. And depending on what our story contains, our story might be told for a really long time. And I want mine to be very epic and for people to find adventure, love, pain, and acceptance within it.

Peace!

-Nicole

Reading Lips

Have you seen this video? This video proves that Michelle Obama is the queen of everything. But putting that fact aside, a professional lip reader decoded what had been said between the President and Boehner (check out what went on here). The idea someone could learn to read lips professionally blows my mind. It's now on my list of "Jobs I Wish I Had, But Never Will Get the Chance to Do."

This video reminds me of the Bad Lip Reading things on Youtube. (Check them out. They are pretty funny.) If I were to try to lip-read the video above - let alone anything - it would be a huge disaster. Boehner would end up talking about overthrowing Obama's power and Michelle would join him. I would be putting words into his mouth that are far from the truth.

This week, I've discovered I can't speak for people. I cannot say that this is what they said and this is what they think. It's like the game of telephone - words get messed up and lost in translation. It is the basic lesson about gossip for me, although it seems less like gossip and more like me trying to get my way. Although I wish I could say this person thinks that because of this reason, it is often far from their truth. They see their life differently than I see theirs and in the end, it is their life and their story to tell, not mine. And I can only hope they understand that my life and my story are mine and mine to tell.

No matter how tempted I am to read lips or create stories that fit the little bits of information I know, I have to understand that the outcome is going to be as ridiculous as thinking Boehner is trying to overthrow Obama.

Peace!

-Nicole

The Rest of the Story

1. Unplug yourself from technology during stressful times - it may increase your productivity.
2. Wear comfortable clothes during finals - you'll be happy you did.
3. Puppy love is the best.
4. The rest of the story has to be written.

Day one of finals week: Complete. Tomorrow is our last day of classes and then Wednesday-Friday are finals. It is getting to be crunch time - well, it has been crunch time for quite a while, but now everyone is feeling it. Most people can't wait for the semester to be over, but for me, it's bittersweet.

If I go back to back to August 28th, I was feeling so anxious and excited.

"Move-in day" me

I had no idea what was coming but I was ok with it. I was so excited to start a new chapter in my life - heck, I waited years for that moment to come. I was as ready as I could be. I situated myself into my room and went to orientation.

My club - see me in the middle, poking my head out?

I loved orientation. It prepared me for what I didn't know what I needed to be prepared for. I loved my orientation group and I would be spending the rest of the semester in class with them. This picture was taken one of the last days of orientation, little to my knowledge that this was my first college family. I love each and every one of them like a sibling and they are so dear to me.

Crazy how even now it represents all of our personalities (I'm center in the back row, choking my friend)

Then life became very bizarre...which is when I started this blog. I thought I would have a strict schedule and I thought I would act just as I had before, just without as much anxiety as before. I never expected for this to happen. Every day brings something new and I mean new. I never know what to expect. Sometimes I wish for consistency, but most of the time, I love the craziness. And I've done some crazy things. Heck, Megan jokes that I now have a reputation. I am the "pink-haired, bubbly, loud, emotional, girl-with-the-ideas, theatrical, cute-clothes-wearing, Harry Potter and Doctor Who fan, touchy-feely, organized, army-building" girl. Ok, so maybe most of that stuff isn't included in my reputation, but my friends sure do know about all of it.

I've changed so much. I think of when I've gone to camp or mission trips in years past and come back suddenly and abruptly changed. It's all good, but that change often doesn't last long. It's that mountaintop experience, where you feel so emotionally high and then you back to reality and that mountaintop experience was too short to really learn from that experience. For a while, I felt like college was like that. Orientation felt like camp: everything was planned out and I was in a specific group. It felt like a mountaintop experience.

But now I have started to live on that mountaintop. And I've made friends. I became friends with Melissa who accepted me for who I was instantly and allowed me to be me fully for the first time in a long time. She introduced me to Megan, who I have become connected to at the heart. I've also met Sally, Stef, Erin, and so many other people who have started to camp with me onto of that mountain with me.

Throughout my classes, I've learned to look up, instead of looking down from my position on the mountain. Little did I know that there are other mountains to climb where I could experience more mountaintop experiences. Before, I've always been looking down to see where I've been and to see how far I've gone. I'd been waiting for college for so that I didn't remember to keep on looking farther up. There is so much more waiting for me to climb. And I'm not discouraged by it...these aren't goals set by other people; I choose what one to climb. If I don't like it, all I have to do is switch to another.

I've been living on this mountain for a while and it's become semi-comfortable. As the semester ends, I can't help but think I am ready for the semester to end. But maybe I'm not. I love how everything about college is still new to me. But as these last few weeks have passed, things are becoming not-so-new, like when to eat dinner to avoid the dinner rush, the best places to study, when to get the best shower in the bathroom, or how long it takes to walk to class.

I'm also slightly sad because I will have to home for about a month. The concept of home has completely changed in my mind. Home has always been at my house; now it's mainly my dorm. When I spent mid-sem and Thanksgiving at my house, all I wanted after a few days was to go back my dorm. My college family was there and I missed seeing them. Yes, I do miss my house and my mother, but I was ready to move out when I came to college. I'm not ready to say goodbye to my friends, even if it is only for a month.

The end of the semester doesn't mean huge changes are in store. It just means that the beginning has ended...now it's time for the rest of the story to start. And I can't wait to see what crazy things are going happen.

It's going to be quite the adventure and quite a beautiful mess. 

Good luck on finals and whatever else is going on in your life.

Peace!

-Nicole

National Coming Out Day

1. Finishing a paper feels really good, especially if it is over the page length needed and there is still more to write.
2. Sometimes all you need is a hug.
3. Uploading videos to Youtube is a difficult process.
4. I'm coming out as stunning and crazy...and an ally.

Today is National Coming Out Day. Today, instead of writing a ton of stuff, I want to share a few videos.

First off, here is the first video that inspired the rest of them:

Since I cannot seem to embed the videos, here are links to the rest of them:

Melissa's Message

Megan's Message

And finally, mine: My Message

Please check out other videos. Everyone has a story to tell. Let their words speak for me. Just know that if someone around you is struggling, the best thing you can do for them is to love them and be supportive. Whatever they're going through (whether it be coming out or anything else), all they need is someone to stand by them and be that little bit of love that makes any day a bit brighter.

Peace!

-Nicole