Not What I Wanted, But What I Needed

I've been going to camp since I was in third grade. It was a dream of mine to work as a camp counselor and be the absolute best at it. My plan was to graduate high school, have my first year of college, and then start working at my camp for many years to come. Then came time for such things to happen and it simply didn't for one reason or another. This summer came rolling around and since I didn't seem to have anything else in mind, I decided to return to my younger self's plan and work at camp.

I started staff training in May and I hated my decision pretty quickly. I was cold, I was wet, and I was forced to interact with people I typically would never interact with normally. I worked nearly every hour of every day with less than minimum wage. I never knew the schedule for the next day, let alone the next week. I was not a happy camper (or counselor, I should say).

I had expected things to go my way and I had expected things to go along with my plan I had created so long ago. What I now realize was that my plan was created when I was in 5th grade or so, when I never would expect life to change so much. After two years of attending a liberal arts college, my life plans and my goals had dramatically changed even from when I was a senior in high school. My plan for working at camp was trying to fit my old self, instead of my new.

Although my wants of the summer never fully seemed to be met, my summer ended up being exactly what I needed. Here are a few examples.

• My uncle Oliver, who passed away in February, lived in the same area as the camp. Everywhere I looked around camp, I saw Oliver. He built nearly every building on camp and I felt him near throughout the summer.
• Oliver was also to be my "adoptive family" during the summer, but I was "adopted" by Joileen and Roger, dear friends of my late grandma Sis. I was able to re-connect to the side of my family I rarely talk to.
• Every summer, the staff puts on a short musical relating to the summer's theme. It is written and performed by the staff and they perform it every week for the campers and their families. I was graciously allowed to have the lead (plus I got a "Heavenly Nicole" shirt out of it).
• I spent a week or so with my sister and my niece and nephew. And got paid for it.
• I spent nearly every weekend with Angie, my sister's mom. She lived only 10 minutes away from camp and it became my weekend home where I got a hot shower and a house I could rule for a few days.

The list could be much more extensive if I were to continue. My summer, the one I hated with all my being in the beginning, ended up being exactly what I needed. I needed closure with Oliver's passing and camp allowed it to happen. I needed to be able to become closer to Ashly, my sister, and Angie and camp allowed that to happen as well. I needed to be able to fulfill my last "life goal" and camp was it. It truly allowed everything that needed to happen in my life to happen. I didn't particularly grow in who I was, but it helped me realize who I was in that particular moment, since so much change had occurred in the years before.

Change is good, but sometimes being able to reflect on who you are and what makes you who you are is a blessing as well. Sometimes, life doesn't give you what you want, but exactly what you need.

Peace.

-Nicole

Rolling With The Punches

"In war as in life, it is often necessary when some cherished scheme has failed, to take up the best alternative open, and if so, it is folly not to work toward it with all of your might." -Winston Churchill

The last few days have been nothing but a change of plans. Due to a water main break here on campus, a dance was canceled, buildings were closed, and now walking routes have been designated to allow for cleaning and repair. Having a water main break with below freezing temperatures causes a lot of issues, but we're Cobbers, and we adapt... or rather, our maintenance staff does.

More pertinent, Nicole's plans have changed. A lot of us bloggers, me, Nicole, Melissa, and Malyn, were all scheduled to make a long awaited trip to this year's MBLGTACC (Midwestern Bisexual Lesbian Gay Transgender Ally College Conference) with members of a campus organization. It's going to be held in Michigan and requires a nearly 15 hour drive which caused us to plan about 4 days consisting of travel, conference, and then travel again. Unfortunately, and resulting in an immense amount of grief and sadness, Nicole will now be traveling to be with family after an unexpected death. I'm sad too, since last year was so much fun and I was really looking forward to a repeat experience. I was actually in the same boat last year with the death of my grandfather, but lucky for me, I didn't run into too much interference with travel plans. Nicole is undoubtedly going to be in the right place, and it just requires a lot of flexibility and adaptation on everyone's part.

Life often times involves rolling with the punches and being able to adapt to things you never saw coming, and probably never wanted to deal with. Things come up that alter your plans for good and for worse, but you have to be able to do the best with what you have, because while it's totally normal to resist that change and resist being put in hard positions, it's going to hurt less if you try to go with the flow.

The trick is you have to accept what you can't change and learn how to effectively change what you can. A death is something you can't change, neither is something like a cancer diagnosis, but you just have to focus your energy on how you can face those situations in a way that provides the most benefit and the least amount of detriment. You have to find the little things you can control and work with those to make the best of your current situation. Sometimes that's just finding a way to take a deep breath without losing it, and that's okay sometimes.

Now, to acknowledge the other side of this, don't let that become an excuse not to utilize your agency in situations you CAN change. Accepting the things out of your control is only one side of the coin. It's equally noble to fight for changes you know are attainable. You can fight to change policy, you can fight to change injustice, and you can fight to change attitudes and beliefs. Don't accept status quo if you can dream of something truly better.

With peace and love,

Megan

All Dogs go to Heaven

"Happiness is a warm puppy." -Charles Schulz

Greetings from Megan.  I hope your Monday was as mellow as mine.

Today is World Suicide Prevention Day and this week is National Suicide Prevention Week and I had a huge post planned for tonight, until I realized while walking back to my dorm that it's also been exactly one year since I'd lost my dog.  World Suicide Prevention Day is hugely important to me and expect that to be the topic of my post next Monday, but for now, I just want to talk about my dog.

I think the value of a pet is vastly underestimated by people who have never had one. Pepper, my Miniature Schnauzer, bopped into my life two days before my 7th birthday and departed twelve days after I had arrived at college.  Undoubtedly those 12 years contained some of the roughest experiences I've ever undergone, and I cannot count the number of nights I spent crying into her neck. If she wasn't sleeping on my brother's bed, she was sleeping on the pillow next to me. She was, quite frankly, the best friend I'd ever had, and so leaving to go to school when I knew chances were good that I would never see her again was really, really tough.

I can chuckle at it now, but when I found out she had passed away I was bawling in my dorm room, only I was trying not to since I didn't want to freak out my roommate. I don't know exactly why I did, but I told Nicole as soon as I found out--we were on Facebook chat at the time. We had known each other for a grand total of three days, and she promptly asked me if I was okay and then offered me cookies.  I probably shouldn't have put her in such an awkward position.

Pets have ways of teaching us life lessons, lessons about death and what it means to take life as it comes, to love unconditionally, and to handle suffering with grace and dignity.  A wonder that they do this all without speaking a single word.  Pepper made me appreciate life so much and she got me through my most difficult days.  Of course I wish she was still with me.  Who wouldn't want that?  But she left at a time when I knew I was moving on and going to be perfectly okay.  She did her job and believe me, she did it well.  Pets, especially dogs, are just like that I guess.  They not only provide a source of unconditional love, but they give us something to love and care for. I know it sounds crazy, but I can't believe how much I love and have bonded with our baby Betta fish, Cuddles.

If you have a pet, take a moment to be affectionate.  If you have had a pet but don't right now, remember some of the fond moments. Finally, if you don't have a pet, I recommend getting one in the future.

With all my love,

Megan

Pepper

"I just can't deal with this right now."

1. Document the sleep deprived quotations.
2. Ever in Ames, Iowa?  Eat at Jeff's Pizza.
3. Go.  You won't regret it.
4. Salsa Doritos are actually kind of good.

Megan here, better late than never right?  I promise I'll post next Wednesday.

Sadly, the title seemed to be my inner mantra for the last two weeks.  It knew I was in for a marathon with MBLGTACC alone, but then my family emergency popped up as well as a few other things I didn't account for.  I felt completely and utterly overwhelmed.  To give you an idea, I spent 19 hours in a vehicle over a span of 5 days and during those 5 days, I went a 72 hour stint with 11 total hours of sleep.  It was really rough and I kind of got a little bit goofy on the ride back.  MBLGTACC was incredible though and feel free to ask us about it.  It was a life changing experience as someone put it in our meeting yesterday, and I really really hope to be able to make next year's conference in Michigan.

I guess I learned a lot over the last week.  Sure, some things I didn't want to know, but it happens.  I was just stressed over going home and having to finally come to terms with another death in the family. There's been 4 since winter break started. Plus the funeral was on Valentine's Day which I already associate with negative connotations having nothing to do with over-commercialization or my currently single status.  So yeah, it was rough, especially with living out of a suitcase and missing classes and whatnot.

Things are rough sometimes, and sometimes they're utterly overwhelming and difficult, but they do get better.  I got back to campus on Tuesday night after white knuckling it through a snow storm to get here.  Yay for 30 mph on the interstate! (I digress) and so yesterday was my first full day back and I was so happy to just have familiarity and routine again.  Yesterday felt great for me.  I felt genuinely good and not stressed out.  Things definitely felt better, and I feel better in general.  It just goes to show that while things may be stressful, they can also be good at the same time.  MBLGTACC opened my eyes to a lot of things, plus I bonded with a lot of amazing people.  I learned, I laughed, I cried, and I experienced solidarity like I've never felt before.  Sure I was stressed when I got back over having to go home, but home was exactly where I needed to be and I'm glad I went back.  I would have regretted it if I hadn't, and I really needed the closure.

Feeling overwhelmed and like you can't handle things as they currently are, much less when an emergency arises, is scary; that's what friends are for.  Reach out and let someone else support you until things stabilize, and then you can get back to normal.  Things will ease up, and they will get better. 

Trust in other people as well as yourself.  You're going to be just fine.
Have a great week and hug someone you love.

-Megan

Don't Fear the Reaper

1. Snow should not come before Thanksgiving.
2. Read a book before it's due at the library.
3. Catching up on writing letters feels good.
4. Don't fear the reaper.

Monday night, I went to my high school's one act play entitled, "Don't Fear the Reaper." As you might guess, it's about the Grim Reaper, who has begun to be compassionate. He gives some people the choice to pick heaven or hell, and once they do, he sends them back to earth to be able to make that choice. And because of his compassion, he is fired from his Reaping job.

I haven't had a ton of "experience" with death. I haven't been super close to anyone who has died, but I have seen quite a few people go through grief. Death and dying are a common fear. But the fear of death is not about the process, but the life not lived. When someone dies young, people say that it is tragic because they had so much ahead of them... a life not lived.

Why do we fear the life not lived? We sometimes spend so much time focusing on death and the future that we forget the present. We all know that death is inevitable, so why fret over it? We won't be forgotten; we are just a drop in the ocean, but the ripples continue on. The best thing we can do is be loving.

We can't change the past; life isn't supposed to be flawless. I believe life is perfect; what makes it that way are the flaws. If nothing terrible happened and everything went smoothly, then all we would know is the same thing, which would become very boring. Life is supposed to be lived with flaws. Think about it. When have you felt the happiest? It's often after a tough period or moment. You need to have both sides of the coin. And if you "mess up", then you found another way not to do it. You take what you've learned and keep on walking. And if you take everything in stride, then when you get to the end of your journey, you'll take that in stride too.

Don't fear death. In fact, don't worry about it at all. Live day by day, because that's all you've got.

Peace!

-Nicole

PS Megan's off for today, so that's why I'm posting on a Wednesday.