I went back to my psychologist today. The past few months I have been feeling the pressure from life. Most of the time, I can figure things out, put systems in place, and continue on. But life has given me a ton of weird, genetically mutated lemons and I don't know how to make lemonade with them. That is to say, my way of dealing with things isn't sufficient any more. "Anxiety NOS - not otherwise specified" is what I was diagnosed with. Next week, my psychologist Amy and I will come up with a therapy plan and go from there.
After the appointment this morning, I felt something I have been waiting for: relief. Or should I say, the anticipation of relief. I am ready for my shoulders to relax, to feel rested in the morning, and to feel a good connection with someone again. I'm ready to do whatever it takes to feel relief.
My life is a mix of everything right now. I love my classes, yet I can't seem to get a good grasp on some topics. I love my family more than ever, but I am also finding more differences. I love my job in the costume studio and might have chances to co-design a show, but it doesn't pay well and takes a lot of time. Not to mention, I am (finally) a very poor college student. It's bittersweet. At around age 7, a child can begin to understand how words can have multiple meanings, but it seems only now am I fully understanding this concept of multiple meanings.
It's mucky right now, but I am slowly cleaning up the mess from the flood and rebuilding the slightly damaged walls. I'm getting there, but sometimes some time, effort, and outside help is needed.
1. Lazy Sunday afternoons are glorious.
2. Don't park in muddy parking spots.
3. Don't start homework at 10:30.
4. Be sunlight.
Yesterday was like living in a wonderland. I was surrounded by a few bouquets of flowers, the breeze was coming in through my window, I had a cup of cinnamon tea, my homework for today was done, and I spent the afternoon laying around and talking....not to mention the sun was shinning all day. And the best part? I didn't wear pants. No worries, I did wear a dress, but for the first time in many months, I haven't had the need to wear tights underneath them. It's a good day when I don't need to wear pants.
I couldn't feel sad yesterday - it was too much of a perfect day for me to be sad. It's not that a ton of fantastic things happened (it was a typical Sunday for me); what it was, I believe, is the sunlight and warmth. Sunlight instantly improves my mood, no matter what and especially because we hadn't had a warm/sunny day like that in a few months, it was a wonderful thing.
I have a friend from high school who nicknamed me "Nicole Rae of Sunshine." (My middle name is Rae.) When I asked her why she nicknamed me this, she said, "Because it's true." Now, I don't know if I totally agree with her, but since then, I have strived to live up to that nickname. Sunlight sheds light on nearly everything. Even if there is a shadow, a few hours later the sun is facing the other direction and suddenly you can see. If you open a door to a dark room, the room is flooded in warm light. As cheesy as it sounds, I want to be that. I want "light up a room" and improve the mood.
But sometimes light can be annoying and can burn. Have you met people who are a bit too full of sunlight? To the point of annoyance? To the point of burn out? There is a thin line we can cross between being happy and being too happy.
So today, although it may be raining, be the sunlight in the world. Find the good things in your life. I just got back from my psychology class, where we are studying happiness. There was a study done where participants were asked to write down 5 things they were grateful for each week. After 10 weeks of doing so, researchers saw an increase of happiness and life satisfaction. See, happy people naturally do happy things: they do acts of kindness, strive towards their goals, and they nurture relationships. Happiness builds and everyone around you can feel the effects of it. And the happier your friends are, the happier you are... it's a wonderful cycle.
Enjoy the sunlight - literal and figurative. Heck, be that light if you really want to. Let people sit in your light and be warmed (and maybe pants won't be necessary*).
Peace!
-Nicole
*Do not take this sexually. Refer to the first paragraph.
1. Chocolate cupcakes are a great pick-me-up.
2. Smash is a great TV show, although it does have some faults.
3. Doing simple math in Spanish is quite hard.
4. Renew your energy.
Well hello there! Sorry for the long hiatus - it was spring break for us last week and this week is "hell week" for the Vagina Monologues (we open tomorrow!), so things have been busy. Life is pretty much back to normal, which is always good.
But to be frank, the weeks leading up to spring break weren't the greatest; it felt like everyone was falling apart and there was nothing I or anyone could do. Energy levels were really low and what was there was very negative. I hated to say it, but I just wanted to get away from everyone. I didn't want to leave campus because I loved the people and the culture of it all, but I couldn't stand the negative energy.
Then spring break came. I ended up spending a few days with my sister and brand-new niece (who, by the way, is my goddaughter). I was hesitant to go because I was so exhausted physically and emotionally. But it was what I needed. What I wanted was to spend a whole week alone in my house, watching movies and doing nothing. But I needed was to be somewhere with someone who loved me, but didn't care about what was going on. I needed to be swept up into a different energy. Being around a 1 week old baby and a 2 year old - one can't particularly think about themselves. It was what I needed and I am so glad I went. (I did end up spending some time alone and some time with friends from high school.)
Presley and I
Each of us influences the energy around us. The more positive people, there are more positive thoughts and ideas - positivity breeds positivity and negativity breeds negativity. Typically, when I felt like I was in a negative situation, I would leave. But because I am so connected with my friends here on campus, I couldn't do that - it would hurt more than help. I needed to 'reset' my energy, bring it back to a neutral level, one that was stable and easy.
Sometimes, we need to get away, we need to be swept up into a different energy. Sometimes we need to stop focusing on ourselves. Sometimes we need to stop trying to fix ourselves because at some point, it loses its effectiveness. And when you do come back to your world, come with an open mind and heart. Connect with friends in different ways and on deeper levels.
Sometimes, we just need to fix the fuse and flip the switch.
1. Keep your phone close.
2. Laugh and laugh a lot.
3. Oranges are wonderful and necessary to happiness.
4. Professors are people too.
Megan here aaaand we are back on track. Happy Wednesday!
So the theme that seems to be constantly popping up for me this week is the idea of how we affect each other with our actions, whether those effects were intentional or not. Adam Smith advocated individualistic economic thought and practices as a means of attaining the greater good for all people through competition and whatnot. John Nash, the central figure in A Beautiful Mind, countered this with his idea of Governing Dynamics which showed that collectivistic thought and the pursuit of goals with the group in mind was also a viable strategy. Here's the clip from the film!
Cool right? Now, this is great for economic theory but what about our everyday lives? How do our individual actions manifest in other people? Well, me being biased towards psychology, I find that triggers are a good example of how we affect each other which can result in consequences we never intended. Triggers are stimuli such as words or images that "set someone off" and "trigger" a response, whether that be a strong physical response, a memory, a mindset, emotions etc. They're commonly tied to previous experience and can actually be really rough. I know last night's episode of Glee handled heavy subject matter and didn't provide any trigger warnings which upset some people. An example of a trigger would be a gunshot triggering a flashback for a veteran who experienced combat. I have a bunch of triggers too, but I can usually avoid them or navigate whatever they bring up with relative ease.
So last night I was browsing the web and chilling on various social networks when I was triggered by an image I couldn't avoid or prepare for. Normally I could handle it, but if I get hit in the right spot at the right time I definitely feel it, and this particular instance sent me into an intense physical reaction which I would describe as a prolonged fight or flight response. Over an hour's worth of calm music, tea, a stress wrap, and breathing exercises could not get be back to a sense of calm, safety, security, and general well-being, which is a frustrating experience when you're alone in your dorm. I tried getting in touch with several friends to draw my focus, but even that plan had flaws and I ended up needing someone physically present to calm me down. When I went to bed 5 hours later, I was still experiencing pain in my chest. Even this morning I'm still not 100% but I'm totally fine and bouncing back.
I think we need to be mindful of how we affect other people with everything we project into the world, whether that's our own emotions, art, words, whatever and however we express ourselves. I think there's a difference between censoring yourself and being mindful about how what you do could affect your audience. In a way, part of our self-concept is just a reflection of how we perceive we affect other people. Ex. I think I'm funny because I make people laugh, but I wouldn't think so if they had no reaction. I know I need to work on recognizing the effects I have on other people--I've been somewhat inconsiderate lately. My point is we're all connected and affected by each other in various ways, positive AND negative and we just need to be respectful and mindful of those effects, especially surrounding sensitive subject material. Still, think about the last time you made someone's day. It's a wonderful thing to be able to affect someone else.
So I challenge you to get out of your own head and focus on someone's reactions to you. I think you'll learn a lot about yourself and the power you have, as well as about that other person.
