Connections

1. Don't put your summer clothes away...you just might need them in March.
2. Pralines are delicious.
3. Wear green, especially on St. Patrick's Day.
4. Make some new connections.

My life is theatre 24/7...or at least, it feels that way. I have had practice every day for about 3 hours each since last Tuesday. My day consists of going to class, having a small break, eating, class again, work, dinner, then rehearsal, then homework starting at 10. I'm behind in a few classes and my sleep is a bit minimal, but overall, I can't particularly complain about my life.

But before my life became crazy, I was dreading it, which does happen nearly every time, but this time it wasn't about me being able to get everything done, but the fact I would be with a group of people who I would have to make all new connections with. It was an exciting thought to know I would have a ton more people in my circle of friends, but the effort behind it and the being away from what was comfortable was of a concern to me. It felt like I was too far into my year to make the effort to make new friends.

As my life gets busier and I interact with more people, I am re-discovering my love for making connections with others. Sure, during rehearsal I talk with people but it's very limited and spoken in whispers. But it's the time we spend before and after rehearsals, during breaks, and passing each other is what is so thrilling. Like today. I really should have gone straight back to my dorm after rehearsal to catch up on homework, but instead I spent a good chunk of time talking with a few of my cast mates. Not only did I get some wonderful hugs, but I finally felt I had arrived - it won't be awkward anymore to walk up to one of them and start a conversation (that maybe has some meaning). It's easy again.

When I started school back in September, I tried to make as many connections as I could. It was exhausting, but I'm glad I did. I can now walk around campus and say hi to a ton of people I pass. I created a pretty close-knit group of people that I depend on and hang out with a lot. But I pretty much stopped there. I have made a few connections, but haven't put a lot of effort in maintaining them or making them grow.

So here's my lesson: grow in relationship, whether that be with someone old or with someone completely new - but you need to make them grow deeper, wider, more complex, more loving, more trusting. They need to be more, because you just might become more yourself.

Peace!

-Nicole

Snow

1. Early bird gets the washing machine (or 4).
2. Don't get too frustrated when you can't think of anything to write for a blog post.
3. Be tackled into the snow.
4. Snow is absolutely wonderful.

I hate winter. I hate how wet, dirty, freezing, horrible-driving weather and especially because of where I live, it never seems to end. Plus, I thrive off of sunlight. The more sun there is, the happier I am. I absolutely hate winter.

But I love snow.

A snowy world.

I love the way it sounds underneath my shoes. I love how it covers the trees. I love how lights look when the snow is falling. I love how it makes slip every once in a while, like it's reminding me to stay in the moment and watch where I'm going. More than anything, I love how it covers everything in a blanket.

Think about it - snow is the only type of weather that covers everything in a blanket of anything. Rain washes things clean, sun warms the skin, wind shakes things up...snow is the only thing that covers something in order to allow for change to happen. Underneath the snow, things are shift, changing, moving, growing, dying. After winter, the earth is slightly different than before.

Not only does the earth itself change, but we change with it. Underneath a snowy sky, we discover things about ourselves in the world. I thrive in the sun, but winter allows me to be more pensive and see the world in a different light (literally and figuratively).

Looks a bit like Narnia.

Underneath a blanket of snow, things are a bit more close and change happens without much notice. After the snow melts, things bloom and change is truly seen...but sometimes we need blanket of snow, or some sort of protection, to allow things to get ready for spring.

Be tackled into a pile of snow and have laughing fits as a a snowball hits in you in the back. Keep on trudging through the snow. Allow yourself to slip every once in a while. Enjoy the white earth. And love spring even more when it comes.

Peace!

-Nicole

The Rest of the Story

1. Unplug yourself from technology during stressful times - it may increase your productivity.
2. Wear comfortable clothes during finals - you'll be happy you did.
3. Puppy love is the best.
4. The rest of the story has to be written.

Day one of finals week: Complete. Tomorrow is our last day of classes and then Wednesday-Friday are finals. It is getting to be crunch time - well, it has been crunch time for quite a while, but now everyone is feeling it. Most people can't wait for the semester to be over, but for me, it's bittersweet.

If I go back to back to August 28th, I was feeling so anxious and excited.

"Move-in day" me

I had no idea what was coming but I was ok with it. I was so excited to start a new chapter in my life - heck, I waited years for that moment to come. I was as ready as I could be. I situated myself into my room and went to orientation.

My club - see me in the middle, poking my head out?

I loved orientation. It prepared me for what I didn't know what I needed to be prepared for. I loved my orientation group and I would be spending the rest of the semester in class with them. This picture was taken one of the last days of orientation, little to my knowledge that this was my first college family. I love each and every one of them like a sibling and they are so dear to me.

Crazy how even now it represents all of our personalities (I'm center in the back row, choking my friend)

Then life became very bizarre...which is when I started this blog. I thought I would have a strict schedule and I thought I would act just as I had before, just without as much anxiety as before. I never expected for this to happen. Every day brings something new and I mean new. I never know what to expect. Sometimes I wish for consistency, but most of the time, I love the craziness. And I've done some crazy things. Heck, Megan jokes that I now have a reputation. I am the "pink-haired, bubbly, loud, emotional, girl-with-the-ideas, theatrical, cute-clothes-wearing, Harry Potter and Doctor Who fan, touchy-feely, organized, army-building" girl. Ok, so maybe most of that stuff isn't included in my reputation, but my friends sure do know about all of it.

I've changed so much. I think of when I've gone to camp or mission trips in years past and come back suddenly and abruptly changed. It's all good, but that change often doesn't last long. It's that mountaintop experience, where you feel so emotionally high and then you back to reality and that mountaintop experience was too short to really learn from that experience. For a while, I felt like college was like that. Orientation felt like camp: everything was planned out and I was in a specific group. It felt like a mountaintop experience.

But now I have started to live on that mountaintop. And I've made friends. I became friends with Melissa who accepted me for who I was instantly and allowed me to be me fully for the first time in a long time. She introduced me to Megan, who I have become connected to at the heart. I've also met Sally, Stef, Erin, and so many other people who have started to camp with me onto of that mountain with me.

Throughout my classes, I've learned to look up, instead of looking down from my position on the mountain. Little did I know that there are other mountains to climb where I could experience more mountaintop experiences. Before, I've always been looking down to see where I've been and to see how far I've gone. I'd been waiting for college for so that I didn't remember to keep on looking farther up. There is so much more waiting for me to climb. And I'm not discouraged by it...these aren't goals set by other people; I choose what one to climb. If I don't like it, all I have to do is switch to another.

I've been living on this mountain for a while and it's become semi-comfortable. As the semester ends, I can't help but think I am ready for the semester to end. But maybe I'm not. I love how everything about college is still new to me. But as these last few weeks have passed, things are becoming not-so-new, like when to eat dinner to avoid the dinner rush, the best places to study, when to get the best shower in the bathroom, or how long it takes to walk to class.

I'm also slightly sad because I will have to home for about a month. The concept of home has completely changed in my mind. Home has always been at my house; now it's mainly my dorm. When I spent mid-sem and Thanksgiving at my house, all I wanted after a few days was to go back my dorm. My college family was there and I missed seeing them. Yes, I do miss my house and my mother, but I was ready to move out when I came to college. I'm not ready to say goodbye to my friends, even if it is only for a month.

The end of the semester doesn't mean huge changes are in store. It just means that the beginning has ended...now it's time for the rest of the story to start. And I can't wait to see what crazy things are going happen.

It's going to be quite the adventure and quite a beautiful mess. 

Good luck on finals and whatever else is going on in your life.

Peace!

-Nicole

Just Be

1. Secret Santa gift exchanges are exciting.
2. The effects of five-hour energy drinks are funny, especially if you are watching it happen to someone else.
3. Don't skip breakfast...not a good thing.
4. Just let yourself be.

Talking feels like an effort today. It is like I feel like I have nothing to say to people and everything I would say would be trivial, self-centered, and tedious. I know that whatever I say will be a bit hurtful (which I don't want to happen). All I want to do is stop talking and just ignore my own thoughts. I'm not quite sure why I'm in this mood; it just is. I am normally the bubbly, weird, and energetic person who can carry a conversation fairly well, but today, not so much.

Sometimes we just need a day to just be - to listen to conversations, watch interactions, and let the world spin around you. I think we talk too much. Over the past few months, I have been finding my voice. I am now more vocal in social situations and I'm not as afraid to make a fool of myself. But sometimes it goes a bit more beyond that and becomes a "listen to me!" thing, which I have never really been a fan of. There are times when we should use our voice - to speak out on injustice or to bring new ideas to the table. But days like today make me realize that there are other ways to speak out: silence.

In theatre, I've always been taught that silence speaks more than actions and words. When I competed in speech, I was always praised for my use of pauses. It gave the audience time to react to what my character was saying and anticipate what was coming next. So many ideas are thrown around and no time is given to ponder them and wonder what is next.

I also think that we lose touch with each other - in the emotional and physical sense. We get so caught up in the daily adventures that we don't allow ourselves to just be together. Emotions are easy to sense in each other when you sit in silence. Human contact is an amazing thing too. I love having physical touch - innocent and loving. Even simply sitting close to each other so that you can feel their warmth and pulse or even holding hands. To know that they are there and living and breathing just like you is one of the greatest comforts.

So maybe the weird mood I'm in right now is a good thing, provided that I use my time to just listen, watch, and feel another's pulse.

Just allow yourself to be in people's presence.

Peace!

-Nicole

Family Ties

1. Pumpkin pie is a God-send.

2. Black Friday isn't all bad.

3. 2-year-olds are hard to keep up with.

4. Blood is thicker than water.

Happy Thanksgiving! I hope your Thanksgiving was full of food and love. I am currently sitting in the car, on my way home. I had Thanksgiving dinner at my sister's then spent today shopping with my aunt and cousins. It was a fantastic break from college and it was also an adventure - a good, but slightly scary one.

I met my sister this August. I grew up an only child, being raised by my mom. I always wanted a sister; the closest thing I had was a family friend, but even then we weren't close. I've had a few people who I've been close with and have called them a soul-sister, but I don't know what having a sister or even a sibling really means.

Just before my mom and I were going to leave Ashly's house, Ashly's stepdad said to me, "It's crazy how much you and Ashly look alike." This took me aback. I know Ashly and I looked alike, but I've lived my whole life not looking like anyone. Sure, I've looked like friends and cousins, but we always grew out of looking alike. People have always told me I looked like my mom, but you are supposed to look like your parents. But now, I show people a picture of Ashly and I and they know we are sisters without me telling them.

Ashly and I grew up in very different situations, to say the least. I grew up in a city; she in a small town. I was raised by my mom; she was raised by her mom and stepdad. She had younger sister; I was an only child. Not to mention, I am nine years younger than her and she is married and has a two-year-old boy. We are quite different, but something connects us.

I look at my nephew, who's two, and it's hard for me to think we share the same blood. It's even weirder to look at Ashly and know we share the same DNA - we are genetically linked, not just linked at the heart. Whenever I am with her, I see myself. We are both OCD about organization and we both love old things - something that I never knew where it came from in me. My mom doesn't really have these qualities and I always thought it was something I had learned, not inherited from my dad.

Family can include more people than just who you share DNA with, but something has to be said for sharing a genetic code. I am just learning what having a sister really means. I don't know much about who Ashly is, but from the three times I've been with her, I already feel a pull at the heart when I'm with her. I've felt a connection at the heart with people, but this is new. It's different. For most people, this connection is nothing new, even sometimes frustrating. But for someone who is experiencing this for the first time as an 18-year-old, it's amazing. And I love it. It hits a part in me I never knew I had - it's that automatic connection that isn't based off of interests or personality. It's the simple fact we look alike and have the same blood.

Be grateful for your family, no matter how messed up or crazy it is. You share more than memories. Your family is who made you who you are - not how they raised you, but because of the millions of years of people before you created your specific genetic code that is your personality and appearance. And that's a miracle.

Peace!

-Nicole

Beautiful Mess

1. Halloween dances are exciting.
2. Fake blood is hard to wash off.
3. Don't stay up until 6:30am, then sleep, then wake up at 1pm. Doesn't feel too good.
4. It's a beautiful mess.

This weekend was a bit of a mess. Melissa, Megan, and I went to a play on Friday night, then ended up in my dorm watching Dracula. We got half way through the movie, then we all went to bed. Then on Saturday, I worked in the theatre for set construction. Then the three of us went to a thrift store to buy a costume for that night's festivities. Saturday night was our Halloween Bash, which included a haunted house, photo booth, and a dance.

Our photo booth picture
Laura (a girl on my floor), Melissa (as my victim), myself (vampire), and Megan (Trinity from the Matrix)

We had a blast, but when it got done at one in the morning, the three of us didn't want to go to sleep. So, we went back to our dorms, changed out of our costumes, then headed to a 24-hour restaurant. After we got bored of the restaurant, we hopped back into my car, and since we still didn't want to head back to campus, I gave them a 3am tour of Fargo/Moorhead. We finally ended up back in our dorms at 4am.We said goodnight to Melissa then Megan walked me to my dorm, fully intending on saying goodnight. The both of us ended up sitting outside my dorm door, talking... until 6:30am. By the time I went to sleep, my RA was already up and heading to the bathroom to shower. When I woke up I felt terribly ill; I felt like a complete mess.

But I don't regret anything. I am so happy I went out to eat with some of the most amazing people I have ever met. I am glad I stayed up until 6:30, having a conversation that I needed. I was a mess the next day, but it was sure a beautiful mess. It was beautiful because it didn't feel unnatural. It felt natural for us to talk for hours on end. It felt natural for us to drive around town with no destination. It felt natural. But it was also a mess because from an outside perspective and from my logic's perspective, it was probably a poor choice to stay up so late. It was a beautiful mess.

So maybe sometimes life has to be a mess in order for beauty to show. When life is a mess, we tend to be the most vulnerable. I certainly would not have had the amazing conversation I had last night if we had had it at 4pm instead of 4am. When you are vulnerable, it is the time you change the most. It's when you become a new creation and when your beauty really shines.

Life is a mess. Don't be afraid when it is because sometimes, it's beautiful.

Peace!

-Nicole

Child's Play

1. Grammar hard at 12:20am.
2. Don't fall out of folding chairs.
3. Don't procrastinate... it's not too fun.
4. Be in awe.

For the past week Friday mornings, I have been volunteering at a daycare. I was assigned to the toddler room and at first, I was slightly concerned that I would be working with 15 toddlers. I had never worked with a group of kids that age in a controlled environment. But, I went for it, and boy, was I in for something great.

I think I have read the same children's book about 25 times in the past three weeks. It's the same one: Dinosaur Roar! It pretty much goes like this, "Dinosaur roar, dinosaur squeak. Dinosaur fat, dinosaur skinny. Dinosaur clean, dinosaur slimy." It continues on like this for a few pages more. It really has no point, but the pictures are fairly colorful and it's cute to see the kids roar whenever it comes up. At first, I thought it was cute.

But then I read it 6 times in a row and it got fairly old. The same thing happened the next week, and then again the next time I came. Always the same book and always the same reactions from the kids. Just as I was about to chuck the book across the room, I thought, "Why can't you be like the kids and read the book like it is the first time?" It seemed that every time I read the book again to them, they got something else out of it. They look at the pictures and try to find something new or they point out something familiar. They are excited to show me the little bird in the corner of the page they found the first few times the book was read. They are in constant awe of the book.

And it isn't just the books they come at with new eyes every time. A man and his dog always pass by the window every time I am there. And every time, the kids run to the window and wave to the dog. The man and his dog haven't changed since the last time they saw them, but they still have the same reaction: one of wonder and awe.

Children follow by example and they imitate nearly everything they see. So why don't we reverse what happens and imitate them? Children are happy and don't worry about much. They see the world through different eyes; everything is something to explore and something to learn from. Everything is awe-inspiring.

So, why not have child's play? It seems to work for them. So why not us?

Peace!

-Nicole

National Coming Out Day

1. Finishing a paper feels really good, especially if it is over the page length needed and there is still more to write.
2. Sometimes all you need is a hug.
3. Uploading videos to Youtube is a difficult process.
4. I'm coming out as stunning and crazy...and an ally.

Today is National Coming Out Day. Today, instead of writing a ton of stuff, I want to share a few videos.

First off, here is the first video that inspired the rest of them:

Since I cannot seem to embed the videos, here are links to the rest of them:

Melissa's Message

Megan's Message

And finally, mine: My Message

Please check out other videos. Everyone has a story to tell. Let their words speak for me. Just know that if someone around you is struggling, the best thing you can do for them is to love them and be supportive. Whatever they're going through (whether it be coming out or anything else), all they need is someone to stand by them and be that little bit of love that makes any day a bit brighter.

Peace!

-Nicole

Defy Gravity

Note from Nicole: Yes, we do seem to like the musical Wicked. It's a good theme to go with.

Melissa here. This is my first official blog post on here, so bear with me. I'm gonna post random stuff, and then elaborate on it all. Make sense? I hope so.

1. Study breaks are good. You know it's gone bad when you start reading words for other words that aren't that word... yeah.

Studying is not a good time. But, when you misread a word for a different word and tell your friends about it, it can be quite the amusing time. Let's just say I'm special. Also, sunflower seeds for me make EVERYTHING better. Especially studying.

2. Friends are awesome.

The friends I've made here are wonderful, and I feel so lucky to have found them. With me is one of my friends from high school, and I'm so glad I have her here with me. She's my safety blanket, and I'd be lost without her. I've managed to make new friends, too, and each and everyone one of them is amazing in their own way. I've managed to meet my twin (HI, NICOLE!), fellow Gleeks, Potterheads, Starkids, choir nerds, etc. It's kinda blowing my mind how awesome people are. I'm so excited to make some life-long friendships with some truly awesome people.

3. Sometimes, it's okay to be in a total state of confusion.

Finishing up my third week of classes, I've come to realize that they're not what I expected them to be, and I'm completely okay with that. My freshman inquiry seminar is called "gendered performance." It makes my brain hurt, it makes me totally confused, and it makes me question everything I know (or thought I knew) about gender, and I LOVE IT. I want to learn more, I want to know about all the different theories, and I want to hear other points of view. It's one of the first times that I really, really, REALLY want to learn. And it's a fabulous feeling. I'm actually excited to write my paper for this class, and it's one of the few times I've felt like this. It's wonderful.

4. Defy gravity.

Last week I was really struggling. I was constantly in a state of unhappiness, and I couldn't figure out exactly why. I just felt numb. I'm not sure how exactly I got myself out of the shlump (probably the amazing friends I talked about earlier), but now I don't want to let myself get back there. I've struggled with bouts of depression all throughout high school, and I want college to be that turning point. The time where I be myself, and I'm happy with myself, and I don't let anything stop me. In high school, I was sometimes afraid to just be myself and not worry about what others thought. I always thought I wasn't good enough, I was hard on myself, and at times, I was my own worst enemy. Now that I'm in college where no one knows who I am, was, or want to be, it's like a fresh slate has been handed to me, and I can do whatever I want. And that's exactly what I'm going to do, and it makes me so excited. It'll be difficult at times, but it's a new opportunity. Life is full of these opportunities and I have finally taken it.

It's my time to defy gravity. (I'm so cliché and cheesy. It doesn't help that "Defying Gravity" is the song Nicole and I will hopefully be singing for the freshman showcase, and the song is stuck in my head).

Yay for being cheesy. It's what I do best. That, and being awkward...

Aww yeah.

-Melissa

Yay Adventure!

1. Buy some milk if you run out. But if you forget to get some, go have a wonderful breakfast with a friend.
2. Pink hair rules.
3. Sending random letters to people is exciting...especially if you get one in return.
4. College is quite the adventure.

"Ugh" became my mantra over the weekend. I didn't want to get up, I didn't want to babysit, I didn't want to leave my home on Sunday when I went home for a bit, and I didn't want to do homework. "Ugh" definitely became my saying this weekend and it bugged the crap out of me that it did.

I have always considered myself to be an optimist. I like to see the brighter side of things, but something got to me this weekend. It seems the honeymoon stage of college has passed; now its the real deal. I have said that before, but now it has truly hit home.

I could let the daily routine and same-ness get to me but, as it was pointed out to me a while ago, college is an adventure. (Yay adventure!) I have a whole new world to explore. Isn't that what we want when we are younger? To have some place to ourselves to explore? We are out of our parents' house, we have new friends, a new living space, a new...everything to explore. Why am I complaining? Plus, I chose to go to this college, so why shouldn't I enjoy it?

College is an adventure. It might be utterly terrifying (which it is), but mostly it is exciting.

Go explore!

Peace!

-Nicole

Note: Glances

Hmm. Two posts in one day? Yes, it is true. I had two really great ideas for an entry for today but they didn't seem to go together. So I decided to separate them and create a small note. They won't contain a list of lessons (cause I already said them). Instead, it is going to be a random thought or two.

Do you ever have the feeling you are being watched? I seem to be getting that feeling more often now. But more than being watched, I seem to be watching (and sometimes staring at) people. I am constantly intrigued by people. I often can't believe that they would choose to talk to me, sit next to me, or even be in the same room as me. It isn't that I am not deserving of being talked to or looked at, it is that they are just so amazing. Just amazing that I can't help but stare at them in utter awe.

I didn't have much of an opportunity to do so in high school. I did go to school with some pretty funky people but I had also known them for so long that nothing was new to me or awe-inspiring.  Plus some people didn't even want to be there, so it put a damper on things.

So here I am, at a college some would die to go to. I have met people who are like-minded and who I can connect to without much effort, which has never really happened. Or if it did, the people didn't want to give me the time of day. It is like the feeling you had when you were younger: you wanted to be friends with that certain person, but they thought you were weird so they ran away. But here, I am suddenly someone to get to know. And it's cool.

I am also finding myself looking for reactions. Again, in high school, people reacted differently to situations than I did. It was a very rare thing to find someone who reacted to a situation in about the same way as I did. So I am looking for reactions. I am still wary of how this will all work out and if I will be suddenly outcasted (which I know logically I won't be).

So next time you catch me staring at you, it's not because I am creepy, but it is because I am looking at you in awe and waiting for your reaction.

Hope you enjoyed my little note.

Peace!

-Nicole

Living Among the Great

1. The symposium is never too fun at 8:30 in the morning.

2. Bring a coat to college, even if it is only the middle of September.

3. When you get a text saying, "My dorm was evacuated and firetrucks are coming" and then you hear sirens outside your window, something must have gone wrong.

4. I am living amongst 'the great'.

Woke up this morning at 7:15. Gross huh? I sat through some super interesting (and sometimes boring) sessions for the symposium. All-in-all it was a fantastic experience and I learned a ton. (I will be posting some interesting facts and quotations soon.)

I realized something: I am living among some of the greatest people ever. And this is true in two ways. One is these people are fantastic. Just fantastic. They make me laugh maybe a little too much to be productive, they make me do crazy, weird things, and they also make me learn. The people here are fantastic and absolutely can be considered 'one of the greats'.

But this also something else. Whenever I meet someone really cool (which seems to be occurring quite often lately) and I learn a bit more about them, I suddenly get the feeling that in 10/15/20 years I will be watching the news or reading the paper when I see their name for doing something amazing. I feel like I am living among future famous or world-changing people.

For example:

- A few months ago, I met an up-and-coming TV star, who also wants to be a political leader someday.

- I met an amazing poet who will definitely do something someday. Not to mention she has an amazing heart for the world, though she might not know it. (Maybe if I can convince her, she might let me post a poem or two on here). 

- I met a girl with such a bubbly personality who isn't afraid to tell it like it is. She isn't afraid to show her emotion in a world where emotions are often looked down upon. (Plus we are so alike it is very freaky.) I just know she will end up on my list of 'Oh I knew them when...'

These are just a few people I have met. I have a theory that every single dang person out there is able to change their world. Though I can't tell what is going to happen in the future, I just have a feeling I am among people who will change the world, even if that change is small. No change is a small change.

I truly am among the great. I am so dang happy because of it.

As for me and my 'greatness', I guess we will just have to see what comes my way.

Peace!

-Nicole