Slowing Down Time

I am currently in the library because I had to print something off an "old school" computer because, for some reason, my laptop is not able to send print jobs to the on-campus printing system. And goodness me, was I annoyed. I still have copious amounts of readings to do before tomorrow and I have to do the dishes!

I often get asked what the biggest difference between Spain and the US and I almost always answer with, "The schedule." The Spanish get up late, eat late (try 9am, 3pm, and 10pm), and always nap. It was certainly weird, but gosh did I love it after a while.

The schedule is a certain mindset, where time is valued above being productive. Dinner at a restaurant was a three hour affair; a walk down to the park would be nearly a day's event. It wasn't that the service was terrible or the park was a ridiculous distance away; conversation and enjoyment of the area was the reason. Time in Spain operates differently than time in the US. Time's goal in Spain is not to get as much done as possible; time's goal is to provide happiness and fulfillment.

So, back to the library. I was going to use this time in the library to the maximum by replying to emails, texting people back, and doing things while I waited for the slower-than-my-laptop computer to log me on so I could print and get the heck out of here. After groaning about how dumb it this was, I came to realize how different my concept of time is from when I was in Spain. So, instead, to slow my time down, I put my phone down, refused to check my emails, and sat and enjoyed the time by people watching and admiring the artwork.

Although it may be difficult in the US and especially on a college campus to allow three hours for a meal or a day to hang at a park, it is possible to slow time down. Productivity may decrease, sure, but the quality of what is produced and the fulfillment gained from it, at least for me, far outweighs the loss of the productivity. I need to slow my time down and maybe there will be no need to hit a pause button or fast-forward. I will have used my time in ways in which I need it, by taking the long route home or not doing anything while waiting for the microwave to be done or the computer to load. Maybe if I slow down, life won't feel so overwhelming in stress-inducing or anxiety-ridden times.

Go Spanish Time! Peace!

-Nicole

Proving It To Myself

I broke down crying in the library last night. The hours previous had been great - dinner and pie with some friends, productivity with homework, beautiful weather - but I found it all to be proof of what I lack. With my hair as a shield from passing stares, I cried about having no one who cares, no one who checks in on my well being, about how unmotivated I was feeling.

As I was journaling last night, my main thing was about how I am not "on the front line" important in anyone's life. As of late, I have been waiting for life to prove me wrong, instead of doing what I was taught to do and prove those thoughts wrong myself.

After I got back from the library, I finally figured out what was the truth and what was my head getting the best of me. I do have friends and I know that I am important in people's lives, even if they haven't told me directly. And I do have people check in on me, but the thing is, I have to do the same. If I am sitting in my room or hiding in the library, how are people supposed to connect with me?

Yes, I did have to start over on making friends and had to seriously re-connect with people, but because I lost one of the most important relationships in my life, does not mean I have no value in anyone else's life. And that is what I have to tell myself over and over again. I do have value and it isn't the world's job to prove it to me. I have to prove it myself.

Peace!

-Nicole

My Anxiety's Dismay & My Complete Joy

I just ate so much food. Two plates of Mongolian grill and then a very large bowl of frozen yogurt. Orientation Core 1 made a huge mess of our table (nearing 20 empty plates with 9 of us) and were the loudest people in the whole place, receiving many glares of disdain. I probably used up more gas than I should have to go eat. However, the laughter, the pure joy, and the lessons I got out of the evening were so worth the stomach discomfort and the use of gas.

In the car on the way to get some fro-yo.

As I have mentioned before, this past year has been the hardest year of my life. I lost a lot and felt broken beyond repair; my social anxiety, along with the adjustment back, got the best of me. I was petrified of how senior year would go. I was scared that I would have absolutely no friends, that I would be utterly rejected by a lot of people (and for good reason), and that I would have to muck through my last year in undergrad by myself.

Much to my anxiety's dismay and my complete joy, those predictions I told myself have not come true. Relationships with old friends have been rekindled, even if it was (and continues to be) tough to do. I have made new friends in people I have admired for a good while and I have found a group of people via Orientation who I enjoy being with and who truly give me life. Not to mention, I have a group of first years who I admire for their excitement about starting a new chapter in life.

These past two weeks or so have been a lesson for me: no matter the past or what heartache and anxiety I bring, it is possible to find a new place in old situations. I know Concordia, but I have found a new place to stand in it and more people to stand with. And that is very awesome.

So here is my thanks to all who have been with me the last two weeks in any capacity - even if the only interaction we had was an introduction: I appreciate you all and I hope you know how important you are to me. I truly admire each of you and I hope that there will be more opportunities for my appreciation and admiration to grow. Thank you.

Peace.

-Nicole