Beautiful Mess

1. Halloween dances are exciting.
2. Fake blood is hard to wash off.
3. Don't stay up until 6:30am, then sleep, then wake up at 1pm. Doesn't feel too good.
4. It's a beautiful mess.

This weekend was a bit of a mess. Melissa, Megan, and I went to a play on Friday night, then ended up in my dorm watching Dracula. We got half way through the movie, then we all went to bed. Then on Saturday, I worked in the theatre for set construction. Then the three of us went to a thrift store to buy a costume for that night's festivities. Saturday night was our Halloween Bash, which included a haunted house, photo booth, and a dance.

Our photo booth picture
Laura (a girl on my floor), Melissa (as my victim), myself (vampire), and Megan (Trinity from the Matrix)

We had a blast, but when it got done at one in the morning, the three of us didn't want to go to sleep. So, we went back to our dorms, changed out of our costumes, then headed to a 24-hour restaurant. After we got bored of the restaurant, we hopped back into my car, and since we still didn't want to head back to campus, I gave them a 3am tour of Fargo/Moorhead. We finally ended up back in our dorms at 4am.We said goodnight to Melissa then Megan walked me to my dorm, fully intending on saying goodnight. The both of us ended up sitting outside my dorm door, talking... until 6:30am. By the time I went to sleep, my RA was already up and heading to the bathroom to shower. When I woke up I felt terribly ill; I felt like a complete mess.

But I don't regret anything. I am so happy I went out to eat with some of the most amazing people I have ever met. I am glad I stayed up until 6:30, having a conversation that I needed. I was a mess the next day, but it was sure a beautiful mess. It was beautiful because it didn't feel unnatural. It felt natural for us to talk for hours on end. It felt natural for us to drive around town with no destination. It felt natural. But it was also a mess because from an outside perspective and from my logic's perspective, it was probably a poor choice to stay up so late. It was a beautiful mess.

So maybe sometimes life has to be a mess in order for beauty to show. When life is a mess, we tend to be the most vulnerable. I certainly would not have had the amazing conversation I had last night if we had had it at 4pm instead of 4am. When you are vulnerable, it is the time you change the most. It's when you become a new creation and when your beauty really shines.

Life is a mess. Don't be afraid when it is because sometimes, it's beautiful.

Peace!

-Nicole

Unforeseen Outcomes

1. Purple hair dye is amazing, except when it turns blue.
2. Going home is bittersweet.
3. Red hats are cute.
4. There can be unexpected outcomes.

Sorry for the long period of not posting. It was mid-semester break for us and I spent most of my time doing nothing, so not much was learned. Monday night, though, Megan came over and we dyed a section of her hair purple. The end result ended up being blue instead of purple. We then curled up and watched Let Me In, which is not fun at 2 in the morning. During the movie, Megan kept on staring at her hair. "It's blue!," she would whisper every once in a while, "This is an unexpected outcome!"

I asked her why it was an 'unexpected outcome'. She said not only did the color come out wrong, but she never thought she would ever dye her hair. She then proceeded to tell me that the past two months of us knowing each other has been an unforeseen outcome, which seems to be true.

An unexpected outcome is not necessarily bad nor is it necessarily good; it is simply unexpected. When I met Megan, I tackled her on accident. (See this post for reference.) When I did bring her down, all that was running through my head was, "Oh snap. Now this friendship is never going to work." But then, somehow, our relationship seemed to bloom and quite quickly too. For me, and probably for Megan, our relationship is an unforeseen outcome.

A few days ago, we were talking and Megan put it quite eloquently, "Imagine everyone going around and tackling people. Tackling and being tackled is an intimate experience - it would totally mess with people. It's physical contact before physical contact has been okayed. Who knows, maybe you're a revolutionary?" Now I'm not saying you should go around and start tackling people, although it would be a funny thing to see, but here's my point: life is full of unexpected outcomes. Sometimes they are terrible, but other times, they are amazing.

Instead of panicking and not knowing what to do, accept the fact that life is full of unexpected events and outcomes and keep living. Maybe we should even start to create unexpected outcomes. We often want so much control of our lives, when in reality, we have not much control at all. A lot of our lives are 'controlled' by other people's actions. Which means we have 'power' over other people's lives. So maybe we should go around and start tackling people and see what happens. I think life would be a bit more exciting if suddenly we all started to create situations where the end result is unknown. Living would become more real.

So, maybe tackling isn't such a bad thing.

Peace!

-Nicole

PS Megan is taking a hiatus for today, which is why I'm posting on Wednesday.

What's in a Name?

1. Laughing is more fun in a library.
2. Filming scenes in one take feels very good.
3. Psychology will sometimes freak you out.
4. Just because it's sunny doesn't mean it's warm.
5. Mousepads don't work with gloves on.

Hey, Megan here. Happy Wednesday!

Let’s dive right in shall we? Names are a really important part of a person’s self. I mean you typically think about yourself when you hear your own name right? Throughout history people have attempted to break down and alter someone’s identity and self-concept by changing or simply taking away their name. The slave trade, the Native Americans, and more recently, the story of David Pelzer, are all good examples where names were either changed or stripped in order to break or better control a person.

Being in a place where no one calls you by your nickname is weird. It’s like people suddenly refer to me as Megan, and I’m obligated to respond because here they’re actually talking to me instead of the Megan behind me. No one refers to me by the name I had for approximately 6 years—I still use it to refer to myself sometimes out of habit or nostalgia, but still…it’s weird!

I started to hate that name after a while. It felt like a giant, exaggerated, misrepresentation of me that could only really exist in some work of fiction. Yes, I know it was merely a nickname, but there were some people who didn’t even know what my real first name was. Over time, my nickname became associated with everything I hated about not only middle school, but high school as well. It represented everything I hated about myself. I finally started to just accept it when I realized it wouldn’t go away.

So now that I’m Megan here at college, I feel like I have my identity back. My internal self feels more similar to what people see—the psychologist Carl Rogers calls this congruence. Well, I am now more congruent, and happier because of it. I don’t regret that nickname so much, and sometimes I miss hearing it being screamed down a hallway, but I am Megan. Hear me roar!

My point is that you ultimately own and command your identity. Don’t let anyone else put you in a situation where you feel uncomfortable or disconnected between who you know you are and who others perceive you to be. Even more so, don’t play along. Be congruent—it’s a good thing.

Can anyone else relate?

Since one of my rings today says “Love life, Be brave.” I leave you with that. Love life and be brave. You got this.

-Megan

Note: Verbing

So today in my written communication class, we were talking about the invention of ideas. In groups, we were supposed to take a recent fad and do a spiderweb chart/graph to analyze it. My group had a fairly large list of idea we could expand. One of items: Verbing.

"What's that?," you ask. Well, let me tell you. Verbing (v): the action of adding -ing to a noun to create a verb. ex: Googling, YouTubing, Facebooking, etc.

We have been doing this for as long as we can remember. I heard the other day that the word "friend" is not longer just a noun. It has been added as a verb. I wanted to see if this was true so I opened my dictionary on my computer and sure enough, there it is. friend (v): add (someone) to a list of contacts associated with a social networking website: I am friended by 29 people who I have not friended back.

My group was trying to figure out why this is true. We first thought that is a marketing tool for companies, like Google. They were able to make 'to Google' an actual phrase. Then we thought it could possibly be used for news reports. Since a news report needs to be short and sweet, it might just be easier to shorten it up. But then we said it could be that we are possibly just lazy. Instead of saying, "I am going to go search for that on the internet using Google," we say instead, "Google it."

Is it laziness or is it ingenuity? It's just food for thought. Comment and let me know!

Peace!

-Nicole

Free Hugs!

1. Flying through assignments is always a good feeling.
2. Discovering you can go home a day early for break is awesome.
3. Don't do weird accents during class...you might be heard.
4. Hugs. Are. Beautiful.

"Hugging is a beautiful Western custom...When you hug...if you breathe in and out three times, your happiness will be multiplied at least tenfold." - Thich Nhat Hanh

This quotation is from the book Peace Is Every Step, which I am reading for my Buddhism & meditation class. When I got to class today, I wasn't fully prepared. I had only read half of the text and I wasn't too excited to be there in the first place. But then we started to discuss the text. Someone pointed out a section entitled "Hugging Meditation". This caught my attention.

Megan gives the best hugs. If you ever come to see us, ask her for a hug. I think I ask her for a hug at least two or three times a day. Your mood tends to become happier. This is pretty much true of all good hugs. Whenever I was having a bad night and I was an emotional wreck, a hug from my mom always made it a bit better. Or even we were kids. If we fell down or someone hurt us, a hug would tend to make it better. Hugs are the magical medicine.

Not all hugs have been great. Take the example of the kids I babysat. I have known them for nearly half their lives and whenever I see them, they give me a hug...but it's lame. It's half hearted, distracted, and weak. Thich Nhat Hanh says, "If you are distracted, thinking about other things, your hug will be distracted also, not very deep, and you may not enjoy hugging very much." True, ain't it? I always make the kids re-hug me and then they get it right.

Which leads me to think, why do we give weak hugs? I think part of it is that we are distracted, but I think it is because we don't realize how much of an effect we can have on people through our actions. A hug is a very simple thing; so is holding the door open or helping someone pick up something they dropped. But it can make or break a person's day.... "Actions speak louder than words."

Put all of yourself into whatever you're doing. Nhat Hanh talks about a parent ignoring their daughter. If they turn their focus on her, they become a real person. And, "when you become a real person, your daughter becomes real also. She is a wondrous presence, and a real encounter with life is possible at the moment. If you hold her in your arms and breathe, you will awaken to the preciousness of your loved one, and life is."

So the next time you hug someone, be there, not distracted by other things. You never know how long they will be there nor do you know how it is affecting them. And you never know, it might have an effect on you.

Peace!

-Nicole

PS You can now comment on the list of simple pleasures....so please let me know what to add!

Child's Play

1. Grammar hard at 12:20am.
2. Don't fall out of folding chairs.
3. Don't procrastinate... it's not too fun.
4. Be in awe.

For the past week Friday mornings, I have been volunteering at a daycare. I was assigned to the toddler room and at first, I was slightly concerned that I would be working with 15 toddlers. I had never worked with a group of kids that age in a controlled environment. But, I went for it, and boy, was I in for something great.

I think I have read the same children's book about 25 times in the past three weeks. It's the same one: Dinosaur Roar! It pretty much goes like this, "Dinosaur roar, dinosaur squeak. Dinosaur fat, dinosaur skinny. Dinosaur clean, dinosaur slimy." It continues on like this for a few pages more. It really has no point, but the pictures are fairly colorful and it's cute to see the kids roar whenever it comes up. At first, I thought it was cute.

But then I read it 6 times in a row and it got fairly old. The same thing happened the next week, and then again the next time I came. Always the same book and always the same reactions from the kids. Just as I was about to chuck the book across the room, I thought, "Why can't you be like the kids and read the book like it is the first time?" It seemed that every time I read the book again to them, they got something else out of it. They look at the pictures and try to find something new or they point out something familiar. They are excited to show me the little bird in the corner of the page they found the first few times the book was read. They are in constant awe of the book.

And it isn't just the books they come at with new eyes every time. A man and his dog always pass by the window every time I am there. And every time, the kids run to the window and wave to the dog. The man and his dog haven't changed since the last time they saw them, but they still have the same reaction: one of wonder and awe.

Children follow by example and they imitate nearly everything they see. So why don't we reverse what happens and imitate them? Children are happy and don't worry about much. They see the world through different eyes; everything is something to explore and something to learn from. Everything is awe-inspiring.

So, why not have child's play? It seems to work for them. So why not us?

Peace!

-Nicole

Letting Go

1. Picking up an instrument and actually remembering how to play it is glorious.
2. It's okay to wake up at 4:30 am as long as you go back to sleep.
3. Hugs.
4. Labels are for soup cans.

Megan here, hope you're having a good Wednesday.

Well, I think National Coming Out Day ended up being a little more intense than we thought it was going to be, so I'll try to bring down the energy a bit.

To get straight to the point, letting go is hard. Letting go of anything is hard, whether that's the past, a dream, a friend, a pet. It is incredibly difficult. See, holding onto something creates a sense of security--it's a thing, a place, a state of mind that feels familiar, even if it isn't the greatest place to be, and holding on and being in that comfort zone lets you continue to sort of... operate within that mindset and not move past whatever it is you're holding on to. I guess it gives one a reason to be angry, or be cynical, or sit and dwell--but even if it isn't the best thing to do, it still has a bearing on your personality and it does/did have an effect on who you are. I know for me, it's also a huge wealth of fodder for creativity, and I like having not only an outlet, but power behind that outlet.

Having something that keeps sticking with you or baggage you can't seem to get rid of can be tedious in so many ways. It's a pain, but realizing when and why you need to get past something is a huge step forward. It also takes sacrifice. Not only do you have to let go of what you need to let go of, but you also have to let go of what that allowed you to do and who it allowed you to be. I told myself not too long ago that I would never write again if I could magically get rid of all my baggage and forget some things ever happened. Then the realistic part of me took over, and yes I do still write things. Fortunately, letting go of something also lets you get rid of the negative effects and exist as a better, more balanced person.

It's okay to let things go. It's okay to lighten the load and move on--heck yeah it's scary, but think of it as an adventure. Some of the best adventures are a little scary at times. Enjoy it. Leave more comments. Nicole wants feedback. So do I.

-Megan

National Coming Out Day

1. Finishing a paper feels really good, especially if it is over the page length needed and there is still more to write.
2. Sometimes all you need is a hug.
3. Uploading videos to Youtube is a difficult process.
4. I'm coming out as stunning and crazy...and an ally.

Today is National Coming Out Day. Today, instead of writing a ton of stuff, I want to share a few videos.

First off, here is the first video that inspired the rest of them:

Since I cannot seem to embed the videos, here are links to the rest of them:

Melissa's Message

Megan's Message

And finally, mine: My Message

Please check out other videos. Everyone has a story to tell. Let their words speak for me. Just know that if someone around you is struggling, the best thing you can do for them is to love them and be supportive. Whatever they're going through (whether it be coming out or anything else), all they need is someone to stand by them and be that little bit of love that makes any day a bit brighter.

Peace!

-Nicole

Note: Dear You

Dear Readers,

Exciting news! Today we hit 1,234 views! I don't know how this is bigger than 1,000 page views, but somehow it is.

Oh, and I want more comments. I know you are all reading this, but I still get no comments. You don't need a profile to post a comment. Please? I want feedback.

Another thing, check out the new page...it's a comprehensive list of simple pleasures. If you have something that you think should be added, just comment on the page and I'll list it!

That's all. Enjoy your Monday.

-Nicole

A Question

1. Striking a set for a play is fun... especially if you get to kick things down.
2. Rainy days are not always bad.
3. Some songs need to be listened to over and over again.
4. Ask questions. It's ok.

My theatre professor is obsessed with questions. He constantly tells us to ask questions, even if it seems irrelevant. I partially believe he just wants more opportunities to tell his crazy stories, but I also believe he has a valid point. Life is a bunch of questions. And don't we want to live life?

I used to be terrified to ask questions when I was with peers. I never wanted to seem dumb or naive. So, I tended to keep my questions to myself. I also never really asked questions when I was with adults. Sure, in class, I asked questions, but in conversation with adults I never really wanted to ask anything, again because of the fear I would be viewed as dumb.

I've noticed when I encounter someone who always asks questions at the appropriate times, I tend to view them as intelligent and curious, which is very different from how I think people view me when I ask questions. Just a thought.

When we are younger, we ask a ton of questions. Everything is a mystery and everything is new; we want and need to explore everything, so we ask questions. What happens that causes us to stop asking questions when we grow up? I think fears get in the way. I was reading a book for my writing class and the author, Chuck Klosterman, stated, "The more we know, the less we are able to feel." It seems when we are younger, we feel the world. We don't learn it, we simply feel it. Life wasn't about facts; it was about how we related to everything around us. We felt everything.

Why can't we go back to feeling the world? If life is questions and we want to live, then living is questioning. We won't grow unless we learn and feel the world around us. And what better way to grow and feel than to ask questions?

Don't be afraid to just ask. You may find the response interesting.

Peace!

-Nicole

Simple Pleasures

1. Being attacked by leaves is not fun.

2. Close your window when it is windy...the window might fall off.

3. The library does close at 5pm.

4. Take joy in the little things.

I was sitting in my room today with my friend Brianna and Megan. Brianna said, "I think it is weird that people get really excited for going to Walmart. Carpooling to Walmart is an event around here." So, then we began to discuss how college has brought us back to simple pleasures. Here is our list:

1. Carpooling to Walmart
2. Pancakes
3. Oregon Trail
4. Pillow Pets
5. Hot tea & Peace tea
6. Free printing
7. Cross walk signal is already at 'Walk'
8. Squirrels
9. Having a table open at dinner
10. When the roommate is gone
11. Mail
12. Eating Nutella
13. Taking a nap
14. Sitting on a couch
15. TV
16. Stamps
17. Sunshine
18. Throwing leaves at people
19. Disney movies
20. Coloring books
21. Bubble wrap
22. Chalk
23. Dairy Queen
24. Falling leaves in the sunshine
25. Soft grass
26. Cancelled class
27. Skipping
28. Having to evacuate and class is cancelled
29. Free food
30. Having a good hair day
31. Back scratching
32. Seeing people sleep in the library
33. Chasing squirrels
34. Back massages
35. Butterflies
36. When your mint opens easily
37. Tickling
38. Hot chocolate
39. Good smells
40. Snooze button
41. Fresh laundry
42. Star gazing
43. Cookie dough
44. Captain Crunch
45. Fuzzy socks

So, here is my lesson: life doesn't have to be about the big things or the most exciting. It's about the simple pleasures. Take joy in life.

Peace!

-Nicole

Hold on Tight

1. Doctor Who is weird.
2. Drink lots of water.
3. There's a light up ahead.
4. The rungs on loft ladders are slippery.

Megan here, happy Wednesday!

Today has the potential to be the most stressful day of my collegiate career thus far, complete with a blood donation, paper due, a meeting, and a group project. In short, I am hoping to crawl back to my room around 10 pm with one less pint of blood in me to start my homework for the night. It will be a marathon of a day.

It's a little bit funny, I always wake up in my loft and perform some tricky maneuver to get down that involves hanging on to weird handholds while finding the metal rungs, and the entire time I silently pretend to be some sort of spiderwoman. Why? Well because sometimes you slip off the rungs and if you're holding on tight you can calmly maintain control and touch down on tile as if you didn't just have a miniature heart attack. I don't really think anyone said that college would be easy. If they did, they lied. The only thing I can do today is hunker down, hold on for dear life, and give the appearance that it was all a planned stunt. It will end up all right. This too shall pass.

It makes me think though... I always pass off my tendency to worry as just a part of my personality. You know, a character flaw? But... what if it isn't? What if the tendency to worry is just another conditioned response to stimuli? I think it would be pretty cool if I could just retrain myself to take it all in stride like SOME people seem to be able to. (*cough* *cough* Nicole) I wonder if it would simply be a matter of retraining the brain to not associate "busy" with "stressful." Whatever the case may be, it's an interesting thought to ponder.

Well dear reader, it's time I get ready and go stuff myself full of protein laden eggs and cottage cheese. Take good care of yourselves. Take good care of each other.

-Megan

Going Crazy

1. Laundry - it might be good to do that.
2. Inspiration can be found in the weirdest places.
3. Sometimes staring at the ceiling is a good thing.
4. Be a bit crazy.

Megan and I have a saying: "Let's do it." whenever a crazy idea comes up. I don't particularly know how it started, but I do know we say it quite often. We now have started a list of crazy and not-so-crazy things to try. The list now includes things like getting a tattoo, dying our hair random colors, chasing squirrels for an afternoon, and moving to New York and becoming starving artists. Most of the things on our list are random and don't really make sense. But maybe the list isn't an that crazy or ridiculous idea. Maybe we all should have a list of crazy things to do.

We all have some sort of bucket list. I know for me I have shortened my Bucket List because most of the things on it were unattainable. My dream list became my realistic list. So what's the point of having a 'Bucket List' if nothing on it is slightly ridiculous? Why have I taken out the dreaming in my life? I think it is because I am afraid of failure (to an extent). I don't want to disappoint myself nor do I want others to think I didn't do what I set out to do.

But that's not true. No one will think I failed if I didn't become a Broadway star. No one will think my life was pointless because I didn't publish a book. Nor should I think my life is a failure just because I didn't do those things. My life is anything but a failure. Maybe I won't see the effects of my actions, but the ripples will be seen for quite some time. But I also don't want to settle for being boring. I want to be the big dreamer who everyone thinks is a bit off-kilter. I want to look at my Bucket List and think, "Hey. Let's do it!"with no expectation I will finish or succeed. The point of a Bucket List is to put a bit of spice into life.

And life is about living in the moment, enjoying it, and making a difference. So, let's do it. Let's live.

Peace!

-Nicole

Home

1. Lazy Sunday afternoons are fantastic.
2. Nutella is delicious.
3. The History Channel is quite bizarre, especially the show Ancient Aliens.
4. The concept of home can change.

It's been four weeks. Four weeks since I started classes and nearly five weeks since I moved into my dorm.

When I graduated high school, I didn't cry nor did I rejoice. I wasn't particularly sad to be leaving my high school years behind, nor was I too ecstatic to be leaving. It just felt right to be done with high school. And it felt right to be moving to the next stage of my life: college.

I had split feelings about moving to college. On one hand, I was thrilled over the idea I would have my own place and I could choose what I wanted to study. But on the other, I loved my house. I loved my room and how it got a ton of light in the morning. I loved my kitchen and I loved having a bathroom to myself. But I guess, more than anything, I loved the concept of home. Being able to come to a place of comfort after a long day of classes, work, and practice and just relax. Seeing a very familiar face and know that they will care for you and love you no matter what. I didn't want to leave that behind when I went to college.

But, after five weeks of being here, I have discovered home is transferrable. My dorm has now become a place of comfort. My friends have become my family - the people I want to see and talk to after a long day. Every good feeling I had about my house I now feel about college. This is home. And I'm happy.

Though I could do with a more comfortable bed.

Peace!

-Nicole Kippen